DD 11.5yo behaviour around bedtime/ transitions

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Please can I just have helpful responses on here, not a pile-on.....

DD1 is 11.5yo and is in many ways a dream child: good marks, school prefect at juniors, all her friends' mums say how lovely she is, tries her best, sporty... definitely not a kid with behaviour problems.

But.

She has always been difficult around any form of transition, i.e. leaving the house, moving on after a mealtime to a new activity, bedtimes.... it's like she goes into "slow mode" and fails to listen to kind hints, prompts, or even explicit instructions.

Like: "okay we are risking being late to your brother's swim lesson, please, we need to leave the house now, can you put your shoes on?" ...and she'll mysteriously drift off upstairs or something.

We have spoken to her about this many, many times, as you might imagine.

It's becoming a real issue at bedtimes. I really want bedtime to be a calm chill time when we have a little 1:1 time with the kids and reconnect a bit after school. I work FT, DH PT, and we have 8yo twins as well as DD. So pretty full on!

A typical example would be, it's getting to 7.15/7.30 and it's time for the twins to start getting ready for bed. Usually me and DH each pick one twin and give them a bit of 1:1 attention, like I'll do GirlTwin and chat to her in the bath then read her a story, DH will do the same with BoyTwin.

We'll say to DD1, right we're popping upstairs for 25-30 mins to do the twins' bedtimes. We want it calm up there. We've brought down your pillow and book, and your pjs and dressing gown. You can watch Tracy Beaker a bit or read your book, but don't come upstairs okay?

....10 mins later she'll be up in her brother's room, hanging out in the doorway and starting him off getting all hyped up as he's overtired, or even playfighting him. Or she'll be in the bathroom when GirlTwin is having her bath, annoying her.

It's practically every night, and she totally knows. It then means every bedtime she ends up getting told off, which I hate.

How would you handle this?

Step back. At that age, you shouldn't be managing anything like this for her. Let her make mistakes and learn.

Sorry do you mean just let her upset her younger siblings? What about them?

She is spoiling their bedtimes. I don't think that's fair.

I think it’s a bit mean to tell her she cannot come upstairs for half an hour while her siblings are getting ready for bed! It comes across like you’re putting the needs of your younger Dc above those of her, which she may well have picked up on. Why does she have to go with you for her brother’s swimming lesson? What transitions are there after meal time - surely you eat your tea, you leave the table?

Thanks, we now ask her not to come upstairs because if she does, she starts getting at them.

She gets 40 or so mins downstairs with both adults when her siblings are in bed, to chat about school, just chill.

But their bedtimes are stressy as she'll just pop round the door into their rooms and start mucking around.

Sorry the swim lessons thing was unclear, they all three have lessons at the same place but his is first.

So we'll get there in the nick of time for his lesson, and he'll be stressed the whole way in the car, going "Mummy will I miss my lesson?" In a small voice.

But as her lesson doesn't start for a bit she is fine for hers.

Give her the choice of either staying downstairs and getting time with parents later, or coming upstairs and going to bed herself.

That is a possibility Batshit (😄).

It's just, I want all 3 kids to get some parent time every day.

I want DS to decompress and let me know if something is worrying him. I want DD2 to have a story read to her. As twins they sometimes get short shrift, you know? Lumped in together etc.

I also want DD1 to have some calm quiet time with grown ups. She'll sometimes ask or tell us something that matters when we're all downstairs. And I think it lets her "down regulate" iykwim.

But if it's her calling her siblinga rude names or standing in their doorways making faces, then they react - of course they do, they're 8 - then their bedtime gets all hyper and they can't calm down.

Perhaps she just feels lonely & excluded? Can you task her with reading a story to each twin? Or overseeing tooth brushing? She really wants to be part of it all, so why not let her do a little big sistering and help you and DH put the twins to bed.

Have you tried the warning system? As fifteen minutes before tell her a transition is coming. Then another warning every five minutes? Can you all put on shoes together at the same time for going out?

Hi SummerFever, thanks. Yes we have been doing warnings for years, literally years, zero difference sadly!

I have tried the big sistering thing, but I am not sure it is fair to get an 11yo to have to take responsibility every night? She has just had a full day herself. Plus I think the twins deserve adult time on their own?

Like, BoyTwin recently confided in me at bedtime that he was worried about something at school, which I don't think he would have done with a sibling calling him silly names, playfighting etc