Struggling with my daughter starting nursery

[xfrankiex]

My 3 year old daughter has just started nursery 3 mornings a week. We get 15 hours funded childcare per week so I wanted to make the most of it to try and prepare her for school next year. She has been 2 mornings so far and is doing great, she hasn’t cried at drop off or tried to make me stay which I am so relieved for. I know there may come a time when she doesn’t want to go, but I’ll deal with that when the time comes.
The only issue is I am struggling to adjust to it. I know it has only been two mornings so far but I feel so upset about it and like I am never going to get over it. I have been lucky enough to be able to spend the first 3 years of her life at home with her - watching her grow into this wonderful little person, having days out just us and just having so much fun together. It has been the best time of my life.
When I drop her off she looks so lost, in this room full of adults and children I know she isn’t quite familiar with yet and it makes me sad. I just hate doing it, I feel like I’m abandoning her because I don’t want to linger too long. I drop her off, say bye and leave. I turned around this morning and looked at her as I left, she gave me a smile but then she was just stood there looking around not knowing what to do or where to go. I just want to be there with her :(
I know it is the best thing for her and she does tell me that she’s had a good time when I pick her up. I have already applied for her to do two full days per week next year.
I just need to know that this will get easier because I can’t deal with feeling this sad all the time, especially with school coming up next year.

Aww it's so hard...separation anxiety is not just applicable to children! Don't try to block these feelings or let anyone make you feel like you're being silly or it isn't normal- it totally is.Parting from your little one is supposed to feel hard because you love them so much.

But yes, as a mum of two little girls aged 9&4 (youngest has just started school) yes it does get easier! There is always that initial feeling like 'someone is missing' and the house being too quiet, but aslong as you are confident in the setting you will get used to that and probably begin to enjoy some down time/peace and quiet, despite still missing her and looking forward to seeing her again.

Never be afraid to call up the nursery and check on your DD, give her an extra hug & kiss at drop off, or question anything you are not sure or happy about...the more comfortable you feel the easier it will be for you.

It's incredibly hard and I totally understand where you are coming from! They are so little. For me, it still feels 'unnatural' for such young kids to be separated from their parents when they are still tiny, but so many of us don't get a choice and some kids do benefit so much from being at nursery.

Your child will learn so much in nursery and will be given different experiences and people to interact with. You are totally setting her up to start school in a positive way and the fact she settled so quickly implies she was ready.

It may help you to begin new routines for yourself to help fill the void of not having her around so much, especially if she is starting school next year.

Thanks for the replies. I called up on the first morning to see how she was and they told me “she’s a dream”. There is an app they use to update us on things they do while they are there but they haven’t set up our logins yet, so I’m hoping they do that soon.
I have been away from her for the day and overnight many times before (she has a sleep over at her nanny and grandads once a month) and I never feel upset like this when she goes to them but then I suppose I am always getting updates from them and I know she enjoys her time with them too.
I am dreading school starting so much next year, I don’t know how I am going to be away from her for 6 hours a day 5 days per week. I am planning on getting a job as soon as she starts school, so I hope it doesn’t feel too bad once we are into the routine :(

Can you proactively plan things for your time so you aren't just waiting? Going to the gym, shopping for something specific or even chores at home e.g. batch cooking so you are free to spend time with her when she is done.

It does feel strange, like you are missing something, but it is good for her and probably good for you in the long run. You will adjust and you still get lots of time with her.

As an aside, don't put too much emphasis on the app. It's nice to see a bit of what they get up to, but in my experience it often comes on a few days later and can be a bit sporadic or general e.g. whole class doing something and you just about make out their head. This is probably a good thing, as it means staff are more focused on interacting with children, but it can be a disappointment when you want to know everything they are doing.

I have been doing different bits of housework while she’s there so I am free for her on the afternoon. This does keep me busy and makes the time go quicker.
my friends son goes to a private nursery (my daughter is at a school nursery) and the app they use seems good, as they are updated frequently throughout the day on what they’ve eaten, when they’ve drank or gone to the toilet etc. I don’t know if it will be the same sort of thing for me or if it will just be the odd thing here and there.
I don’t really get told much about what she’s done at pickup either, so I feel a bit out of the loop at the moment and I’m finding that quite difficult.

Definitely make plans for when she’s there. I wouldn’t rely on the app to make you feel better as they don’t do that at school! You have to trust shes fine unless they call you. Mine has been at nursery since 11 months and they don’t use an app; i much prefer it as I know the staff are dedicating their time to the children not updating an app.

My DS started nursery recently, age 2, and it's a horrible, horrible feeling leaving them there. Mine has to go 8am-5pm, 5 days a week, so the guilt is real.

This is torture - no child is ready to be separated at this age with his or her family. But this is what our world does - one wage is not enough to be a normal family.

Any chance either you or your dh can be a SAHP? This is what my dh and I decided and it was the best decision even if financially it was awful.

If she is happy to go, and the staff are commenting that she seems happy and content there, that is great.

Part of parenting is about letting them go and allowing them to experience things without you - it is hard when we just want to love and protect them, and everyone's views will differ about when are appropriate times / ages for this.
Now it is starting nursery, next year starting school, later it will be their first school residential, their first sleepover, travelling to school or meeting friends on their own, their first trip abroad without you, etc. Each little milestone is a struggle, but if we can support our kids to branch out and do these things with independence, it will serve them well.

You need a job or a hobby op sorry

Rubbish. My daughter adores nursery and always has done. So many benefits. And my mental health has improved dramatically since going back to work which makes me a better mum.

At age 3 she will benefit from friends or activities. I would agree with you if it was a baby

Reading your post took me back to that agony where I felt it just wasn’t natural, that she should be with me. I have now come to realise that parenting is about equipping both them and yourself to be able to part and flourish. It’s so fucking hard but it will get easier with every week that she’s there, for both of you.

I have been a SAHP for the last 3 years and I still am, the reason I am sending her is in preparation for starting school next year. It would be cruel of me to keep her at home right up until she starts school.

What are the long term effects of this separation?

mine went from 7 months… they have yet to ask me for therapy so assume they are over the terrible trauma

About a year ago I went away for the first time leaving DD (aged 18) home alone fir a couple of nights. The first evening I phoned, and she said the house was too quiet, she half wished she had come with me. The second night she was telling me how nice it was to have the house to herself 😂

Our job as parents is to help or children grow up into confident, independent adults. That means allowing them to experience an appropriate amount of discomfort with new experiences, so they can develop the confidence to overcome the discomfort.

That's what you are doing. You can't prevent those moments of uncertainty in a new situation. You can give them the confidence to face them and grow as a result.

Very kindly - this is the first in a very long line of separations. I remember being devastated when ds started full time school. Then upset when he started secondary and the days of after school pickups were finished. Then the agony (yes it felt like it!) of dropping him at Uni (it was Covid times too so particularly difficult, but at least he was home for long holidays). Then the day when he moved out properly to share a flat and just wasn't here anymore.
It's natural to feel loss when a particular stage is over but you should also be able to feel pride and joy as they negotiate each step of independence