Pre school

[Fluff2016]

Has anyone got any advice, my child went to nursery last Thursday for the first time he is 3 years and 5 months old. He was excited to go to pre school until he knew I was leaving which is fine but the lady pulled him off me and he was holding on which caused him to be very upset then they told me to go so I left crying because I felt awful. They phoned after 20 minutes and said hes fine now ect. But when I went to pick him up he was very quiet and reserved which isn't like him. So I'm not sure if he was happy like they made out as I wouldn't know I'm not there. Fast forward to today and I said you're going to pre school and he kept saying no I dropped his sister to school first with him and said your sister going to school aswell. When I pulled up outside the nursery building he was so distressed and crying before even going into the building that I took him home. Am I being dramatic or maybe he's not ready or I should try a different nursery. I don't think pre school should cause this much distress I don't want his experience to be traumatic and upsetting.

Him not being ready shouldn’t be the issue. He’s going to have to be ready in a year when he goes to school and pre school is good for that. Many children attend a childcare setting from much younger and are fine.

The problem sounds as though it is to do with that initial separation which was upsetting for him. Did he not have any settling in sessions?

How used to be apart from you is he generally?

I think this is pretty normal. It’s a big transition especially if he’s never been in any sort of childcare before. Mine were in nursery from 9 months, but cried like this for the entire year of reception. He was quiet probably because it was quite a long busy day. There aren’t really any children (without some attachment issues) who will just skip off happily into a totally new setting. It’s normal. Just don’t make a big deal of it. Drop him off, smile and wave him off and get on with your day.

He's only stayed with my mum for a couple of hours because he knows her really well. He didn't have settling in sessions he just did 9-12. I feel the lady pulling him off me has caused him distress now.

Why did he not have any settling in sessions? That was a big mistake, in my view.

I also would have distracted him with something for a bit this morning and then still go in. He has now learned that if he cried, he can go home with mum.

I'm unsure, I took him back this afternoon and he was gagging nearly throwing up so I stayed for half an hour and then I snuck away and had no tears and was happy when I picked him up. Think the gentle approach works better than pulling him away.

It’s very normal. My son has been in nursery since 9 months but he’s in preschool now and you can tell what ones have been in nursery since babies and what ones have just started a mile away. They do settle but it’s not going to happen in one day, it usually takes a couple of weeks at the minimum but drop off it’s always the last thing to get better. Some of them literally scream cry after their parents and by the time they are in the car park feeling awful they have wipes their tears and are laughing with their friends 😅. Ultimately it maybe wasn’t the best to pull him off you but what were you doing to separate? You have to make drop offs quick but most importantly consistent. Tell them how much you love them and that you will be back for them at the end of the day. Cuddle and kiss and walk away. If they are crying you need to let the preschool teachers console them, you’ll just work them up more.

You have to discuss techniques with school, you know your child best, and they have a lot of general knowledge.
For a lot of children the"bundling them in and distracting them" technique works best, but not all. For my son it works better to let him go in in his own time at the last minute.
But don't see your child's distress as a failing, even this morning there were Y2 children crying and being bundled in, that's just how the system works, and it's not ideal but it's normal.
The most important thing in my mind is to keep the morning routine, maybe do shorter days if necessary, but most importantly keep the communication going with school and work with them to find a strategy that works for everyone. The teachers genuinely will want to help, but of course they are a bit more detached from the emotions on all sides so they can help with a bit of perspective.
Good luck, hope it improves!