How can a dad seek fairer contact with his three-year-old son?

[Hubbz]

I’m sorry if this is in the wrong section but I am in need of some parenting advice.

I am a dad and not sure if this site is just for mums so if it is I do apologise.

so making a long story very short I was in a short relationship with soenone who it didn’t work out with, they fell pregnant and I tried to stay in the relationship for the child’s sake, the relationship didn’t work out but I did gain a lovely son from it. I see my son every Wednesday and Sundays. Now I have moved on in life and very settled shw only allows me to see him on Sundays and it has to be in her company I am not allowed to be alone with him or have him overnight, she tells me what I can do on the Sundays I see him and also accompanies us with whatever we do and where we go, I pay £400 a month in child maintenance and also I travel a hour and half each way every Sunday to see him at a travel cost of £100 every week. My son is almost 3 years old and Iv not even had a night with him and am told I’m not allowed to have him and if I take legal action she will make my life hell.

i think she is a great mum and my son is taken care off it’s just I feel like he is held hostage and if I don’t give what she wants and do as she says the very little time I have with him is effected.

im asking what the best route to take is and a route that will be not to painfull for everyone involved as all I want to do is have some quality time with my son without being shadowed and dictated to.

any advice or routes to take would be very great full.

Take her to court. If you aren’t a danger then there is absolutely no reason why you can’t have your son Friday-sunday unaccompanied.

Are you named on the birth certificate (ie, have parental responsibility?) I'm afraid you will need to go down the legal route, so I would consider what you feel constitutes a reasonable relationship with your son, and meet with a family law solicitor to discuss next steps. He's still young, so you'll likely want to build time slowly and progress to overnights etc in due course. Centre your son's needs, his stability and feelings of safety. Think too about what contact looks like once he starts school. A 90 minute distance means true 50/50 will be impossible. Is relocating an option? What will contact look like then?

You need to go to court, it’s the only way.

What power do you think she has to make your life hell? She can be difficult, and at this point she can withhold contact, but it doesn’t sound like she is supportive of her child’s relationship with his father so she’s probably always going to be difficult. Better to get the court process started sooner rather than later.

What's her rationale for the restrictions? It sounds like she doesn't trust you, you also allude to now being more settled in your life. What's happened in the past?

When you say you’re more settled does that mean you’re in a new relationship? Is it your new partner she doesn’t like? As others have said, you need to go to court.

@Hubbz I suspect the 'moving on' with your life might be the issue here. Assume new partner and maybe another child/ren? And using the distance as a reason to limit the contact.
At nearly 3 it would be reasonable for you to have your own unsupervised time with your son and working up to overnights assuming your son has no special needs.
The only two options I can see would be mediation (although it doesn't sound as though your ex would be cooperative with that) or family court for a child arrangements order.

And even with a CAO there's no guarantee she would comply.
It's really tricky but good on you for wanting to be a present dad despite the challenges. Maybe as your son gets a bit older your ex might welcome some increased contact to give her a break?

How can she make your life hell? Do you have a past that will affect you having your son alone?
Keep it positive between you.
Behave in a way that gives your ex confidence in your temperament. She needs to trust you, foremost, with a very young child. Is you extended family dependable, kind and understanding with children?
Suggest some extra outings to the zoo etc.with DS and your ex.
Praise your ex's parenting.

Seek legal advice.

You request mediation before court. Unless there's abuse or serious safeguarding you can't go to court without a letter from a mediator to say mediation failed.

So you inform her you want to go to mediation to discuss contact arrangements. You instruct a mediator. They contact her. Either she agrees and goes. Or she refuses and they give you the letter form court. If she agrees you discuss with her with a mediator present how you move forward. Either you come to an agreement you're both happy with or you get a letter from the mediator to go to court.

He's only 3, he won't remember any of this so get it sorted now rather than letting it go on until he's older and will remember the potential conflict and your relationship has already become "that bloke I see once a week for a few hours"

Iv found a mediator as I believe that is the first thing to do before court. I’m just worried the process will take forever and she will of course say i am a danger (of course I am not) and it will drag the process out. There is nothing in my past that I am concerned about. Yes I did move on and am in a relationship and very settled and I understand that my sons mother does not like this but I’m happy and settled. I don’t like to throw mud but she is a very argumentative person and she has said on more than one occasion if I did seek court help she will make my life hell and I won’t get to see my son at all. So I’m just a little nervous.

will this be a reasonable process time or dragged out over year/s. I would be happy to just have him overnight once a week I won’t ask for much more as don’t want to rock the boat but anytbing than what I’m getting at the moment will be better.

You’re going to have to go to court. Living an hour and a half away is going to make it more tricky in the long run for you to have a close relationship with your son. Why do you live so far away?

1 1/2 hours away is quite far. Is it possible for you to move closer? Do you live somewhere suitable ie live alone and not in a house share? £400 a month in child maintenance is a lot! My ex doesn’t pay anywhere near this and he doesn’t have overnights.

Realistically, if you live an hour and a half away you won’t be seeing your son much more than you do now. He’ll likely be at school or very close by the time you sort this out in court so you won’t be able to have him on weeknights. Which only leaves weekends and school holidays.

Depending on both your situations and the reasons why you live so far away from your child, you could well still be expected to do the travelling to collect and return your child.

Iv lived here for many years. The travel does not bother me I would travel 10 Times more if I had to it’s just being allowed to see him on my own or brining here to my home for a overnight visit or even just a day visit. I’m just worried it will be nasty from her side if I take action and even then Iv researched that if a order is made and she does not adhere to it then not much can be done.

As silly as it sounds I just want to see my son without being shadowed or it getting spiteful sadly.

There is nothing silly about wanting to see your child but as they get older and want to go to Jack’s party or join rugby club and even older and want to hang out with their friends more and just pop into yours for 30 mins then living so far away will probably impact on how much time he wants to spend with you.