Am I wrong to stop short visits from my daughter's dad?

[ThisBoldRedMaker]

So my daughter is 3 and me and her dad have been separate for 1 year now. And since then he has only seen her on Saturday ( not every week sometimes he cancels) for maybe 3 hours then leaves he doesn’t take her anywhere he just walks around the block

he only gives me £60
no point going through cms he earns 4k or more a month but he is cash only no tax so no point because ill then lose the £60..
i have said to him before that his daughter asks for him all week and is so excited when he comes for him to stay 3 hours ( 1 hour is a nap! ) then go.
she screams and cry’s and is a mess the whole day after this. I’ve said if you won’t stay longer don’t come at all as I have to constantly pick up the pieces.
I feel so upset he doesn’t want to see her more than this. He doesn’t see her all week and al he can be bothered to do is see her 2/3 hours I often think what’s the point!
I also get so upset how unfair it all his what he makes in 1 month takes me 2 months to even earn some of that. I buy everything for her take her everywhere to the doctors appointments days out.

I would tell him he either takes her for the whole day or not at all. Unfortunately he is a crap dad and you can't make him be a good one.

If he's working cash in hand and not paying tax, you need to report him to HMRC.

I’d move and shake him off if you can. I wouldn’t let him anywhere need her and I certainly wouldn’t be insisting he spent the day with her… he’s awful and I’m sorry … that’s awful for you and your daughter but get him to fk OP that’s a nightmare and it’ll not get better.

Why doesn’t he see her all week, can he not get there because of work or is it he just chooses not to make the effort? Do you both live local to each other?

We live about 1 hour away by car. He works all week Monday - Friday and Sunday with Saturday off: he has said before he won’t stay longer because “he needs a life too”
he thinks my life is all butterfly’s and rainbows i think and it’s amazing but I’m a parent 24/7. I am self employed and I look after her while I work at home!
admittedly she could go to nursery ( out of pocket again for me) but I am too worried with what I see on the news, I’m looking for a decent one.
he doesn’t drive. He gets taxis everywhere ( he can afford) he gets 4k monthly like I said and lives in a shared house only paying about £650 a month
he can’t have her overnight and I wouldn’t let him anyway. But I just don’t understand!
I think it would be best if she didn’t see him as he doesn’t seem bothered and I imagine in the future it will eventually fizzle out anyway but it does feel wrong.
he is on the birth certificate so I wonder if I would face any legal issues if I simply stopped him?
he seemed upset when I mentioned before at stopping him seeing her if he only stays 2/3 hours and he stayed the whole day the next time he saw her then It stopped
he makes excuses like it’s raining or it’s too hot.
or something like that, it’s always excuses

It's not fair but it would be even more unfair for your child to be cut off from him completely. In your place I would report him to hmrc, apply for child maintenance and let him spend as much time as he wanted with the child regardless. 18 years is a long time and you may as well make it easier for her.

You say that like it’s simple. The chances of hmrc catching him out are practically zero. He is working and declaring some of his money. Hmrc generally rely on catching people living above their means, for eg living in a mansion and driving a super car while declaring 16k a year. I don’t know what his moneys going on, but the ops ex is living in a very cheap shared house and doesn’t even drive. His behaviour is making her daughter distressed, she is not ‘cutting him off’, she is trying to get him to have his child MORE. He needs to make a choice whether she’s a priority or not. I’d 100% get it on paper when he’s meant to be seeing her or he can choose to let her get on with her life.

Already reported him many many months ago . Clearly nothing was done

Not to mention he said £60 is wayyyyy too much apparently for a 3 year old!

Before you split up, was he working a legitimate job and paying full tax?

You chose to have a with him that child has a father yes your child needs to see the father you gave them they are not a bargaining chip but a human

He is a crap excuse of a father - cut him off.
And put her in nursery and get a better paid job. You shouldn’t be combining childcare and work at home. It isn’t allowed in most settings, and even of it isn’t prohibited it is not conducive to productive work.

He changed job to work with someone he knew shortly before we broke up , the job isn’t anything illegal he just doesn’t register tax…

yes I chose to have a child with him… but he wasn’t an asshole when we met or when we decided to have a child he changed after. I am not so stupid to bring a child into this world with a man that he has become now. He has changed into someone I do not know..
I am thinking of stopping his contact because he clearly doesn’t care.
for example my daughter was really unwell he knew this he didn’t ask me ONCE how she was… all week; that’s not someone who cares

I’m self employed, it’s all online work I can work with her with me but it’s not easy for me. But yes I can do more and make more if she’s in nursery but it scares me.

So whilst you were together he was paying full tax then?

imho what ever is ongoing the next day seems a bit far fetched to relate that to the visit unless he's feeding her strange stuff, or the visit is late and interfering with bed time.
a three hour park visit is lovely and soon the child will outgrow the nap.
you sound a bit controlling.
do remember it's not pay per view, take the $60, hopefully he will find legit work and eventually pay more or do so voluntarily.

It's a real shame he won't stay longer but please don't cut him out of her life altogether - it sounds like the relationship is really important to her!

Hopefully over time he may develop the confidence to have her for longer. Not defending him at all - he ought to man up, quite frankly - but I wonder if he doesn't feel he has the skills and knowledge of childcare to take her overnight - I think some men do find parenting easier when their kids are a bit older. (As I say, not defending him - you can't actually learn something unless you put your mind to it and try!);

Have you tried sitting down with him and calmly asking what the problem is, and why he won't do longer days/over nights? Is his accommodation suitable for her to visit/stay there, do you know?

He may be worried he doesn't have any clothes, toys etc to entertain her - it might be that you have a few spares you could let him have, or you could point him in the direction of what he needs at least? This shouldn't be your job if course, but you are clearly a very loving mother, so if it makes your daughter happy to be with him, it could be worth it. Plus it will be a help to you in the future if he will take her for longer - give you scope to date, if that's something you choose to do, or socialise, go to the gym, whatever you enjoy......

That’s a you issue. Thousands of children go to nursery.

Hes her dad, its not pay to view. You seem more interested in money than your child having a relationship with her dad she won't thank you for it. 🚩

What scares you about nursery? Is it £60 a week or a month? Sounds like Saturday is the only option for him to see her and 3 hours is better for the dc then nothing. Yes he’s crap but it is what it is. He sounds feckless and I’m not sure if he happy with him taking her for longer if I was you anyway

Nursery 60GBP/month!? 60 quid a day where I am!

A 3 hour visit can absolutely be unsettling - and it sounds like it's largely happening at your house (apart from the walk around the block?)

Just drop the rope. If he comes he comes, if he doesn't he doesn't. Leave it all to him, and you carry on being her whole world. My kids see their dad once a month if he can be bothered, and they don't really care - he checked out long before we split anyway.

No the £60 is what dad pays and she’s asking if it’s monthly or weekly.

The dad sounds awful. Sounds like he is self employed so I’m sure he can find more time to see his child- not like he’s earning more to pay more for them is it?

You should still allow the Saturday if she enjoys them but he takes her out locally. Not in your house. Then you can work. Go shopping. Go on a date. Etc in peace. Then just tell him ‘I’ll be home at 4 so bring her back T 4.15’ that’s what I did when my ex only did Saturdays.
the finances are a totally separate conversation to contact as children aren’t pay per view.

OP references £60 multiple times throughout the thread as the amount DC’s dad gives. She does not at any point mention an amount for nursery so I’m not sure why you came to the conclusion that’s what I’m talking about. 🤷🏼‍♀️

He doesn’t think your life is all sunshine and rainbows - he knows it’s shit and hardwork which I why he only wants a couple of hours of it.