Advice on pre-teen friendships and being left out at high school

[Anon1216]

Hello,

I’m just looking for advice on pre-teen friendships when starting high school.

My daughter started high school yesterday. Two of her friends from primary school also started the same school. My daughter was hoping to walk in with them yesterday, but the night before one of them ignored her when she asked and the other messed her around by saying she didn’t know what time they were meeting etc. Then in the morning her friend text her to say that they’d left.

During the school day this girl was a little mean to my daughter, in the sense that she ignored her, said things like “why would I care” when my daughter spoke to her, had a general attitude and essentially made my daughter feel unwelcome in the newly formed group from transition days prior to summer. The other friend from primary is following whatever this girl does.

My daughter had a little cry last night about it and it broke my heart. I understand these girls probably don’t want to be friends with my daughter and I don’t want to force a friendship. What I’m worried about is my daughter being pushed out of this friendship group completely and having no one. She text me today on her break and said her friend is being awkward with her again.

Usually I’d text the other girls mum and ask if she’s aware of anything that could’ve caused upset. But now my daughter is in high school I’m not sure that’s the best thing to do. Has anyone got any advice or experience of new friendships at high school?

My daughter is naturally outgoing, her teacher described her as a born leader and she is, but her confidence was really knocked this morning. I’m probably too protective and fighting everything within me to not tell this girls mum how she’s made my daughter feel. Again, I understand the friendship is probably over and that’s perfectly fine, but this girl is giving mean girl energy and making my daughter upset and uncomfortable when she’s just started a new school.

My DD has just started high school aswell. DD came home upset from her first day as all her mates are in separate classes from each other. She even said she didn't want to go back and was crying this morning.

I would frame it as an opportunity to find new friends who she can start on a fresh page with.
With the proviso not to burn bridges with the old friends as friendships drift in and out and they may come back, but now is the time to make new friends.

I wouldn't contact parents, it won't achieve anything positive.

I’m sorry your DD didn’t have a great first day either! Hopefully she gets on better today. Selfishly it’s a nice reminder that there are probably lots of other kids in similar positions. I’m hoping that with time they’ll make friends with the people in their form. My high school only had 2 classes so I was always with the same people, whereas my daughters school has about 10 so I’m unsure how friendships form when they’re always with different people.

Yes I’m very cautious of burning bridges like you say. I don’t want the other girls to take sides either. It’s so hard to bite my tongue when another girl is making my DD upset!

My DD had friendship drama in primary school. One girl in particular was quite "moody" and yo-yo'd in and out. She did the old" I'm not telling you what you did wrong - you should know already". She had recently got a new sibling so possibly didn't have the same amount of attention as before so seeking it at school instead.

Children can practice their power of manipulation once their realise they have it. They try it out on their friends.

I also think kids model their parents arguing style, that's how their family treat each other, so that's how they do it too.

If you are silently monitoring but not getting involved that is also parenting. They learn the skill of handling it for themselves.