How can I help my four-year-old with sudden aggressive behaviour?

[blazingrain]

Looking for some advice…

Since last Tuesday/Wednesday (25th/26th August) my 4 year olds behaviour has become SO aggressive!

at first I put it down to being tired from the holiday we’d been on (abroad). Today I was trying to consider the fact she may be tired from her first day of school but I’m genuinely clueless at what to do.

I’ve had my hair pulled (chunks from my head), smacked, items thrown in my face such as a baby step and also been kicked in the face this evening.

My youngests Dad walked out on us the day of the behaviour changed (before the aggressiveness kicked in) so I also think that is part of it.

How do I handle this? I’ve tried the naughty step, explaining kind hands, walking away, shouting….EVERYTHING!! I’m so tired. I want to help her stop feeling so frustrated and to also stop feeling so sad that I’m on the receiving end of this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

My youngests Dad walked out on us the day of the behaviour changed (before the aggressiveness kicked in) so I also think that is part of it.

This is not your 4yo child's father? Where is their father? How old is your youngest?

It sounds like your 4yo is extremely stressed and struggling.

You need to calm everything down as much as possible. What can you stop, scale back, cancel?

Make her most favourite, simple food and put on some very childish TV. Get the soft toys out. Make a nest on the floor, read very calm quiet favourite stories.

You can't use the naughty step for a child in distress.

4 yo’s father is very much involved, has her every weekend and we have a healthy co-parenting relationship.
Youngests dad is the one who has left, she is 1.

I’m trying my absolute best with things like colouring, dancing, playing with her dolls but these episodes of aggression don’t seem to be triggered by anything and can just happen randomly.

I’m going to do our favourite book for bedtime tonight and get her down earlier than usual.

Agreed, sorry I’m not sure why I called it the ‘naughty step’ as usually we call it our ‘thinking step’. I have encouraged her to try think about our kind hands etc

Dancing is exciting. Physiologically excitement and fear are the same. Don't do anything exciting. Aim for calm. Dim lights, warm bath, favourite TV and books.

Your DD is very stressed. Her stepfather has left the family. Presumably it wasn't joyful before he went? Were you upset? Even if you tried to hide it, she will know.

She's had a lot of change plus school. New school plus departing stepfather is a lot. Her sibling is very young, another big change.

The aggression is triggered by fear and stress.

Stop asking her this. She can't do it, her fear system is clearly too high.

Her home life has just massively changed so of course she’s upset and lashing out. Why did he leave? I assume he wasn’t alone with her at all before leaving? Did she witness any arguing? Does she think it’s her fault? Her behaviour needs dealing with but she needs a lot of reassurance and understanding too.

With my DD we do ‘best thing, worse thing’ at bedtime so we literally tell eachother our best thing and worse thing about our day, sometimes it’s silly stuff like great food or bad weather, but it has encouraged her to open up when upset before, maybe give it a try

I wouldn't try any in depth talking until the nervous system has calmed down. She's only four and in distress. Talking will wind her up.

She didn’t witness any arguing, we’d just been on a family holiday and had a lovely time. He just said he wasn’t happy anymore.

She’s aware that nothing is her fault and that everyone loves her. Thankyou for the suggestion, I will try that tonight.

You might think she’s aware but it doesn’t mean she gets it, kids blaming themselves is the basic response. Did he explain anything to her? Has she been aggressive with her dad?

You had a lovely time and then he left??

Does she know he has moved out? Has she been told?

This is all so incredibly confusing for her. She doesn't know it's not her fault because children often blame themselves, it's a natural instinct related to their development stage.

Plus she's started school.

Just wanted to add - if you didn't know things were about to end you must also be shocked so make yourself a hot chocolate too.