Trauma tantrums

[BeGentlePoet]

Does anyone else have children having regular tantrums outside toddler years which are trauma driven? My 5 and 7yo have them daily. My neurodivergent 10yo doesn't. My two youngest have the same dad who I'm not with and who causes huge issues. He's currently dragging us all through family court demanding a shared living arrangement with my two youngest which neither of them want and which I am convinced would be worse for them spending yet more time with someone who they have a constant stream of stories is abusive and neglectful towards them. Any tips on management of their trauma tantrums?

Make them prepared that he is their father and he also has right over them. Relax them so they do not stress excessively.

We don't stress them out they trauma dump when home as they mask at school and at his and let it all out on us because they feel safe enough to. Also speaking to children about adult issues like that is ill advised as they are too young.

When children tell you someone is behaving abusively towards them - you believe them.

Keep evidence of this dates times diaries of what you’re children are saying.

Thank you this is good advice x

What is a trauma tantrum?

mulberrybush.org.uk/understanding-trauma-responses/

Abusive fathers shouldn't have "rights" over children, especially when they are causing this much upset in the child's life.

@BeGentlePoet - I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like a caring and invested mum, and I hope that other posters with useful advice and experience will be along to advise shortly.

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this 😔 it's a good idea to document times and dates and anything said by the children during these episodes. I would also see your GP about accessing any mental health/play therapy available for them. This also creates a record of how his abusive behaviour is affecting them. Keep their school informed too, even if they're not seeing the behaviour you're seeing.

Have your children been involved with CAFCASS? Have they disclosed their father's behaviour and expressed a wish to not spend time with him?

@Zimunya thank you so much for this thoughtful measured response 🙏 xx

@whippersnapper55 thank you xx Our family GP tried referring us to CAMHS after I'd already self referred and been told "there is no mental health issue" so they couldn't help. They used the analogy "imagine a soldier comes back from war with ptsd - they can be treated because the war is over. This one isn't" meaning they understand the trauma is being caused by their father but they can't do anything about it. I suspect paternal narcissism but there is absolutely no help for that anywhere. The distress of the children is so acute they regularly melt down in screaming fits with no ability to self regulate. My 7yo has been talking about wanting to kill themselves and I've self referred to a children's mental health service in the NHS as social services told us- there are no safeguarding risks. Even after we sent them a photograph of their face after they had clawed both cheeks with nails and left scratches on themselves during one of these tantrums. I've tried everything including appealing to their school who are showing clear bias to their father who says I am a vindictive ex making up lies about him. They did an exercise with the children only asking them to write down things they like about their father and I and sent this to social services to evidence no safeguarding risks. They didn't ask them if they were sad or worried about anything they engineered a positive outcome and social services took their word and shut the referral down. It is excruciatingly painful advocating for your children in every way you can think and having the proverbial door slammed shut in your face by 'professionals' who deem it doesn't meet a serious enough level for social services to step in. But I won't give up. I'm awaiting a SAR of the NHS appointment my child had where they named their father as the issue (referral for suicidal ideation) which I'll be submitting to the CAFCASS officer for their section 7 report. Their father has threatened "litigation continuously for the next 12 years" if I don't give him shared custody of them. He is hoping to exhaust me financially and emotionally until I give in. But I won't give up on my babies xx

your best course of action is documenting what you are told and what happens.

what is the current custody schedule?

ultimately the courts generally allow contact with even fathers convicted of abuse, although supervised contact centres can be used,

5 and 7 is too young for therapy as such but plus therapy may be useful. Some schools can access this

@Octavia64 there is regular contact a couple of times a week and alternate weekends overnights but my 7yo has started saying they no longer want to stay overnights weekends due to the things their father is apparently doing (rough play causing physical injury, interrogations about our household and who i am dating, mocking them for having large underwear as they have put on weight etc). I'm aware courts have given children to parents who have committed serious abuse and some of whom have gone on to kill their children so I know how PR is prioritised above children's safety in the eyes of courts so am focusing on how to help the children through this experience so they don't fall apart utterly under the pressure. My 7yo has suicidal ideation as a result which is desperately sad for such a young child. I predominantly came here to see if anyone else has been through this and has any advice on coping mechanisms for the ride as we have another 12 years before PR expires and we no longer have to deal with that man ever again. That's a long time for children to undergo sustained heavy pressure and mistreatment. I started taking them to a mindfulness and meditation type kids class recently which they love as it's quiet and gentle. They get overstimulated very easily by activities that well adjusted not traumatised children would enjoy x

Obviously document the physical injuries (photos, seek medical attention etc)

play therapy is generally recommended for children of this age as they don’t usually have the verbal skills for conventional therapy. Schools sometimes have access to one or you can access privately.

mindfulness sessions and general awareness of your mind are often useful in children of this age as well. Unfortunately there is an increase in children expressing suicidal ideation pre-puberty these days.

my son volunteers at his Buddhist centre running a regular Saturday morning mindfulness and meditation class for teens and children with MH issues - it may be worth looking if there is something similar near you.

inform the school as well about the suicidal ideation as these days some schools have counsellors/pastoral support (largely because the Camhs system is virtually non existent).

@Octavia64my youngest child told me her father pulled a scary face glaring at her this evening when she was at his house and shoved her hard and she fell over onto the floor and banged her elbow and it apparently really hurt. He then apparently hugged her. This is abuse. I've reported it to 101.