New here and looking for advice and support with 16 year old daughter's, late-night phone use and accusing me of "being controlling" if I intervene and switch off her phone after midnight so she sleeps.

[HopefulBraveSoul]

Hello everyone,
I am new here and would really like some advice and support from other parents of older teens, please!

My 16 year old daughter has previously been very sensible and trustworthy with her phone usage... I have always used the Google parental control app, to block certain harmful websites and apps, but have never had to lock her phone overnight because she was very good about leaving her phone alone at night... until recently. I had intended to remove the Google parental controls once she turned 16. But, she has started being on her phone late at night, until 2/3am!

Naturally, this is causing her to not get enough sleep... and she is starting to feel down and have regular mood swings, in which both myself and her younger sibling catch the brunt of.

As I have always been able to communicate with her, I spoke with her about her late night phone use and explained that using screens late at night is harmful and can cause lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, etc and is just not healthy. I explained to her that as her mother, I have a duty to look after her health and wellbeing, and I feel that during school holidays, she needs to ensure she is off her phone by midnight at the latest. (When she starts college, she will have to be up very early, so I said that on these nights, she needs to come off her phone by 11pm at the latest). I felt I was being fair and compromising, considering my parental responsibilities to her and also her age. Following this, we had the typical teenage tantrums: "it's not fair," "these are stupid rules," etc etc.

She did not do what I had asked and was on her phone late onto the early hours of the morning again...

So I spoke to her again and re-explained the times she needs to come off her phone at night time and why I was putting these boundaries in place. As she hadn't done what I asked, I told her that if she went on her phone after the times I told her to stop, that the consequence would be that I would use the Google parental controls to lock her phone. Again, more teenage tantrums, slamming doors etc.

She still went on her phone late into the early hours of the morning... so the next day, I told her that I would follow through with the consequences and lock her phone after midnight. I did arrange it so she could still access spotify as she likes to listen to music at night. She obviously had another teen tantrum and told me I was "being controlling" which really struck a chord in me, because I have experienced controlling behaviour myself before, and I would never dream of trying to control my own daughter! (She is very clever with words and is starting to be rather manipulative, saying things in a certain way, to get her own way).

I am very worried about her wellbeing and I felt that it is my duty as a parent to step in where I can see the late night phone use is having a detrimental effect on her.

However, now I am worried because if she thinks that me setting boundaries with her phone usage is "controlling," then it has made me question myself and whether I am doing the right thing here.

She was previously so sensible with her phone, so I never needed to intervene or set time limits. Her younger sibling has needed the phone lock and time limits.

I'm a single parent and I'm feeling so sad and alone in this. We previously had such a good mother-daughter relationship. She has turned against me and I dread getting up each day, worrying about her attitude and unkind words that I am going to be facing. I don't cope well with arguments and just want a quiet life! The whole teenage phase is turning out to be a nightmare.

Should I be intervening with her late night phone use now she is 16, or should I leave her to her own devices and just hope she figures out that using her phone until 2/3 am is not helping her?

I'm interested to know what other parents would do in this situation?

Any thoughts, ideas, support or suggestions would be welcome!

Thank you if you have read through this far!

Hi OP, I can see that you're upset by this, so firstly I wanted to reassure you that it sounds really normal and does not mean that you are losing your good relationship with her.

Personally, I'd chill out about this during the holidays. It's not unusual for teens to stay up late and then sleep late in the mornings. Is there really any harm in it? I think 16yo is old enough to start regulating her own phone use.

But when she starts college you are right to be more strict about her getting enough sleep.

My DC are 16, 18 and 20 btw.

She’s still a child and it’s fine for you to step in and do things for her own good sometimes.
I would set up screen time limits on her phone at least for “school nights”.
My DD is 15, just going in to year 11, I have told her I will remove parental controls on her phone next summer after GCSEs

We have a no device upstairs rule that applies to everyone. Important to set boundaries not just for her but to role model for her sibling. If she is paying the bill then maybe that's a different story but I'm guessing not.

Just imagine in the 90s if we had tried to use the house phone all night!

How old are your DC @Tunaboona? A no device upstairs rule is good for younger kids but would be quite unusual for a 16yo.

This is not controlling at all, just sensible parenting. I take my 13yrs olds phones away at 9pm on a school night and my 16yr old has to be off the computer at 10.30 on a school night. No one is happy about it and if I accidentally fall asleep on the sofa and wake up at 11 everyone is gleefully online and I have to go round grabbing all the phones and tablets.

No limits in school holidays
11pm limit school night
midnight Friday night Saturday night

but once she gets a part time job and pays for her own phone she’ll switch to data and it won’t make any difference.

does she have a job?

Hi Softcream,

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. That has given me a bit of reassurance and I will try to relax on this now.

It is so confusing, because some people have been very critical of me for not taking away the phone complete at night.

My main worry is that my daughter has shared with me that she is feeling down. And I know that phone-scrolling through the night is so unhelpful and can worsen depression. Also, when we have activities scheduled to do in the mornings, she just won't get out of bed, and then everything is a last-minute rush and she ends up late. If I try to explain to her about trying to settle down in bed earlier, to help make getting up easier, she tells me that I don't understand and that she's feeling down and just can't get up.
(She has no idea how much I understand, as I have struggled with depression for years and forcing myself to get out of bed is something I have to face everyday... obviously I don't talk to her about my own problems etc).

I just want to do the right thing by my daughter.

Again, thank you so much!

I think at 18, obviously it’s different, but at 16, there are still rules. We have parental controls set up so that we can pretty much lock everything but phone calls and basic text messaging. I would have her phone set up, so that social media, Snapchat, WhatsApp, browsing, whatever locks between 11pm and 7am. To set her up for good sleep habits, she needs to learn to put the phone down, read a book and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

If she is not mature enough to moderate her phone use so she isn’t behaving like a dick the following day die to poor sleep, she is too immature to have one.

@Octavia64
No she doesn't have a job yet, though I have been trying to encourage her to get a part-time job.

I just feel at 16, they still need guiding, but I don't want to go over-the-top!

It’s called “being a parent.”
More adults with children should behave like parents.
Carry on being a good caring parent.

Believe me, she won’t always be a door slamming huffy daughter! This I know.

Weather the storm, stick to your boundaries and carry on being a good responsible parent.

Stop negotiating with her. You've tried and she hasn't complied.

Stop threatening consequences that you won't follow through with.

She needs you as a parent, to take control because she's demonstrated she has none.

I will say my view is clouded by working with children and adolescents and many parents think their DC are safe as they are at home and they are not safe on social media or the Internet.

You've done the right thing. You're her mother, not her friend and sometimes that means doing the unpopular thing and enforcing the rules for their own wellbeing. You've given her chances to act responsibly by herself and she hasn't done it so now you have to step in.

Ignore the sulking, tantrums and generally grim teenage behaviour. Just be cheerful and carry on as normal. She'll soon realise that she can't influence you with her unpleasant behaviour. If she's really rude, tell her you pay for the phone and you'll be removing it permanently if she carries on!

Stick to it. They are addictive and they can't control themselves. It's not easy. We know now that social media makes them depressed and miserable. Stay strong.

I approached it a different way.

I didn't limit their phone use at all, but like you, pointed out the downsides of not getting enough sleep etc. However I also told them that a) they were not permitted to be grumpy or rude due to lack of sleep and b) they must accept any 'natural consequences' of their actions, e.g if they were late to school, and got detention, that was on them.

I also told them I was happy they felt adult enough to make these decisions for themselves, because it meant they were adult enough to take on more responsibilities around the home... strangely they weren't so keen on that bit.

Probably not very helpful but it’s easier to enforce a rule with a teen that’s pretty much always been there. We don’t allow phones in bedrooms over night and ideally they’re off them by 9. I know that’s early but I don’t really care that other parents let their teens stay on phones until midnight or later . Sleep is so important and they are still so young and influenced by their peers so getting them to stick to boundaries themselves will be incredibly difficult for them. My DS is 14, 15 in a few months. I’m not planning to drop the no phones at night rule until he’s 18.

I would tell her to grab a pen and paper and shout her the number for Childline. Tell her to go and moan to them because you’re not interested. 🤷‍♀️

( yes of course “controlling”. Any rule could be construed as controlling. Thats what rules are. )

I had strict rules on no gadgets/phones in bedrooms at night and on charge downstairs by 9pm until the day of last gcses for all my kids. Then I have let them self regulate on the basis it is better to learn and make mistakes on bed times/being tired etc whilst living at home than if you regulate them until aged 18 and then they cant self regulate at Uni.and get kicked out and still have to pay the debt for the rest of their lives. Bedtimes in year 12 were not ideal for a couple of them but they eventually got into enough of a routine for their A levels when they realised the implications for uni if they didnt.

In school holidays I would relax about it but tell her that once term starts on school nights her phone use needs to become responsible, if she doesn’t do this by herself you will need to restrict it. Do say that you want her to take responsibility for herself ideally and the carrot is you will take off restrictions

Above is close to my approach.

It is controlling to take her phone, of course it is.

Of course it's often very appropriate for parents to try to control their kids.
Do you feel it's appropriate to be controlling of a 16yo in this way?
Do you think she is unable to learn control at this point and when will you decide it's ok for her to struggle with control and manage for herself? How will you know it's "the right time"? Is 18 yrs old a magic number?

I'm not telling you what to do. Just pointing out that you taking the phone doesn't help her learn self-control. But fair enough if you find you imposing phone access control makes your life better (doesn't sound like it's making your life better so far, though).

Blaming her mood on her lack of sleep is a bit spurious... you're just guessing. Maybe it's talking to online prats or exposure to malicious content made her a 'mare, not sleep deprivation. Might be focusing on the wrong problem. Damaging comms with her won't help you know what is the problem.

Thank you all SO much for your comments and thoughts on this! Your comments reassured me that it's okay to set limits as a parent and also that actually, it is a good idea for a 16 year old to lean to regulate their own phone use and learn by their own mistakes, which is the best way of learning...

So I am thinking of striking a happy medium here. I am thinking that if I relax completely on school holidays and weekends, then talk through time limits with her for ready for when she starts college. I wonder if I try to discuss it with her in a way that she can have some input into what times she would find acceptable to switch off her phone and maybe we can come to a compromise here.
Then maybe she will feel more listened to and included in the decision, and then she may be more likely to adhere to her own suggestions.

The last thing I want is for her to feel as though I am not listening or understanding her, and I don't want to ruin our mother-daughter relationship over a phone!

Great post OP. I think it's a really good idea to ask for her input and try to reach a compromise that you can both get on board with. Good luck!