Son (16) is in a relationship with a 23 y/o man

[AG197]

My son is 16, and came out as gay at 13 - myself and my wife had no issue with with this and still don't, however recently he’s been started seeing a 23-year-old man - will call him "Kirk" for the purposes of this post.

I am really struggling with this. The age difference feels completely inappropriate to me, and frankly I find the whole situation disgusting.

I’m worried about the power imbalance, whether this guy is taking advantage of him, and what kind of influence a 23-year-old is having on a kid who's only just finished school.

I don’t know how to talk to my son about it without making him shut down or feel like I’m attacking his sexuality. At the same time I don’t want to just ignore it and pretend it’s fine.

For other parents who have dealt with something similar (if at all) how did you/would you approach this?

I don’t think I can help with advice on what to do to make sure he is emotionally safe, hopefully people will be along soon for that.

BUT…please make sure he has done research into the increased risks of HIV due to his sexuality, and the steps he can take to make sure he can prevent this, and biiiiigggg conversation around consent too. No judgement at all on that from me, but I would be concerned about the potential of someone so young and inexperienced beginning a physical relationship with someone more experienced (potentially) so would just want him to know how to stay safe, much in the same way I would want a girl to be educated about STIs and pregnancy.

Our son at 16 was in a relationship with a 22 year old woman. Wanted to marry her. It was really difficult. There was a power imbalance and something just a bit odd about it all.

We kept them both close. Included her in family events and holidays. Kept talking.

Later we found out things about her that made us worried about the relationship. Still tried to keep close to both of them.

Eventually her behaviour (trying to separate him from his family) became clearer and he did listen to us and broke up with her. He was distraught, had really loved her I think. But it wasn't good for him.

He's now married to our wonderful daughter in law, who's a much better fit for his personality.

Not sure if that helps at all.

Yes, I’d be horrified too. What kind of 22 year old man is interested in a 16 year old boy? Gross.

Yes, that's my concern exactly

I think Changeisstillpossible has good advice for you. The priority has to be keeping lines of communication open. He needs to feel he can talk to you or it makes him more vulnerable. Attacking his partner, however justified, will for him into defence which puts you in conflict with him.

Yes, I agree - and that's certainly not my intention.