How can I talk calmly to my 17-year-old about an older man?

[Tricera]

I have a situation with my DD17 which I would appreciate some help with.

I found out yesterday that DD is in contact with an older man who apparently chatted up her and her friend at an event last weekend. I have a very good relationship with her and she usually tells me things but did not in this case. Her friend told her mother who then told me in case I hadn’t known about it. I raised with DD and she first denied it but then admitted that they were texting but refused to show me the conversation.

I don’t check her phone or messages - she is 17 and she has never given me any reason to worry. She is shy and introverted with others but usually tells me when something is going on. This is out of character and she pretty much clamped up, which is why I left it and want to discuss it without any accusation or shame and just talk again tomorrow.

She is still quite childlike in some ways and probably a bit naive at times and I feel extremely protective about this because I don’t want her to get hurt. I’ve never made a fuss or quizzed her about people in general, but my alarm bells went up when I heard that the guy in question is much older than her (more than ten years). The last thing I want to do tomorrow is for the conversation to get heated because I really just want her to be open and transparent and to not isolate herself.
Thanks for any advice you can maybe offer as I just want to make a plan for this conversation without getting angry.
Thank you

Who pays for her phone?

It is a tough one. At her age they are easily impressed with older charming men.

Rather than advising her to stay away from him (she is 17 going on 18) maybe explain they are at different stages in life.

A girl in my class brought a similar aged man to her final year school ball and he stuck out like a sore thumb.

If they stay in touch you could ask her to invite him round and see what he's like. She's at the age when keeping some things private is appropriate so don't push her to open up, just be interested.

Tbh, at 17 there’s very little you can do. She’s going to date whoever she wants and if she doesn’t want to talk about it she won’t. I’d be very wary of pushing it when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to talk. And trying to get her to show you the messages is out of order too.

I was very impressed with older men at that age. Own house and car. I think you can only go with it and keep things open so she tells you what is going on.

Also, the reality is that your DD probably will be heartbroken at some point and you can’t stop that. Very few people stay together forever with the first person they love, and even then life’s ups and downs can cause a lot of pain. All you can do is make sure she’s got somewhere to go when she’s hurt.

Apologies if I have missed it, but surely the key detail is how much older he is? Big difference between 20 and 35, for example.

More than a decade

I need some context... like HOW much older.

Anyway, whatever older is out of OP's comfort zone.
You want her to make good decisions... yes?
You want to support her to make good decisions: you don't make these decisions for her. She'll have this decision to make a thousand times in future, so now is practice for how to make a good decision.

I'd be saying things like "My concern about him being older is x and y" which basically is planting seeds in her head to look for problems x and y. If she says "None of that is true!" I'd reply "Brilliant, because you would tell me if x and y were true ,right?" And then the moment i see evidence of x or y... I can say "Are you sure that x or y isn't true?" X and Y only have to be things she agrees she doesn't want in her life.

And also reminding her that she deserves fun and pleasantness as ONLY features of her relationships, she doesn't want crap or being treated badly. She deserves far better. The moment any relationship isn't pleasant and supportive, she would be entirely reasonable to look for better.

She’s 17 and still a child. I’d be taking that phone off her and probably contacting him and telling him she is still a child what is wrong with him. I’d want to see the messages anyway, is he grooming her? This is coming from someone who was a similar age, approached by a man a decade older and I wish my mum had done the same rather than ‘talking to me about her concerns’. I probably would’ve hated her initially, but trust me, you will be doing the right thing and she will realise this one day.

I am aware that she is 17 and that she doesn’t need to see who I deem fit. But I sure don’t like the idea of of her being influenced by someone who has that much more life experience.
I don’t know what age he is exactly “like 30 or so” makes me think that he isn’t just a few years her senior.
I don’t want to admonish her. I’ll definitely mention the different life stages but I’m struggling with the idea of inviting this man around to our home.

Ask her why she thinks a man of nearly 30 is showing interest in a teenager who's still young enough to be wearing school uniform.