How do you ignore bad behaviour when it affects everyone else?

[Disappearinginplainsight]

If you use the 'ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good' way of doing things. Please tell me how?

Usually the bad behaviour is affecting others - shouting and running in supermarket in other people's way. Or hurting sibling. Or attacking me. Running in the road. Up on the kitchen sides in all the cupboards. Using inappropriate language (think bum face, fat bum, etc etc 🙈)

He is 5 he is waiting for assessment for adhd and I just feel so so low. I feel I'm not the right person for this job. I wake every morning vowing to be a ray of positivity and light in his life and then he tells me to f-off and bites me because I say we can't go out and get ice cream at 6am and I just feel rage. I end up taking things away in the moment which just enrages him more, it's not a consequence that works. None do really. I'm so lost, I'm so depressed and struggling big time. I try to praise the good but it does nothing to improve the bad.

Maybe change your method and start disciplining before every excuse starts to be..... but he has adhd. In a few years will be asking on MN, why he isn't invited to birthday parties and play dates.

Why don’t you look at supernanny and get advice from her. Maybe worry less about making him happy and more about discipline and boundaries.

You don't ignore it. But that starts way before 5. And where's he learned 'fuck off ' from?

Ask your adhd friends what their parents did when they behaved like that. Based on the number of here who've been diagnosed as adults, you must have at least one.

I don’t think people mean literally ignore the behaviour, just don’t give it loads of attention.

Eg hurting sibling - pick him up, remove him, put him in his room and say you’ll be back to talk to him. Go to sibling, make sure they’re ok, give them attention etc. Then go back to son and discuss behaviour, consequences. If he comes out of his room while you’ve asked him not to, keep putting him back “you will stay in your room long enough for me to make sure Sibling is ok” and then silence. I imagine the first times, this will be pretty miserable and long. But I think, if nothing else, it’s important for the sibling to see that if their brother hurts them, he’s removed and they are focused on.

You simply don't allow the behaviour to happen. How is he managing to run around a supermarket? Get one of those wrist bands that you both wear, or put him on reins. You need to be proactive.

When he is calm. Give him a pictorial timetable, so that he knows what happens when. Going to the shop can have a slot of its own, at a time of your choosing.

Use a reward system for every single time he does the right thing. Use the language "choose to do the right thing" .

A marble jar is great for rewards, every single time you see him doing the right thing, you make a big fuss about putting a marble in the jar. When the jar is full, he gets a bigger reward.

If he hurts someone, put him somewhere safe, like a playpen until he is calm again. Try tonip poor behaviour in the bud. I'm sorry, this will all need you to be very vigilant and jump in quickly.

I don't think there is any method of raising children that involves ignoring bad behaviour and praising the good?

You may have misinterpreted some advice along the way in a really significant way.

Your job is not to be a ray of sunshine in his life. You're confusing yourself with the Good Fairy.

I’ve never heard any parenting advice that you should ignore bad behaviour. I think the advice is usually to remove them from whatever activity they are doing so they understand there is a boundary rather than giving the bad behaviour lots of attention which is what the child wants. I think that will be painful at first until boundaries are understood.

He's 5 years old. How long have you been letting him bite you and swear without consequences?
( And as a previous poster asked - where is he hearing the swearing from?)
If he has been doing this for years there isn't going to be a quick fix. He needs clear boundaries and consequences regardless of the outcome of his ADHD assessment. Plenty of kids with severe ADHD don't bite and swear, but that comes with consistent structured parenting.

What I mean by being a ray of positivity is that I wake up feeling like I am constantly disciplining him and that we have no nice happy moments together. So I wake up hoping the day will be better and we will enjoy each others company.

Thanks to the couple of people who gave practical advice, I have taken it on board.

The behaviour has escalated since he started school, he heard it there.

I do give consequences but it doesnt stop the behaviour unfortunately.

What consequences do you mete out?

I have removed him and taken him home from the park, soft play, play dates, restaurants, cafes after 2 warnings.

I have taken away the ipad (not bothered doesnt ask for it)

I removed youtube at the beginning of the holidays as was worried it was contributing to behaviour.

I have removed all sugary snacks in case that was contributing.

If I try and put him in his room he just runs around the house thinking its a game.

I try talking to him about the behaviour when he is calm but he doesn't say much in response.

I've tried printed out cards with things you can choose to do to calm down. But in the moment he's too far gone to even reason with.

I've no answers, but wanted to say I hear you OP. You feel like you are constantly disciplining your DS because you do. I think sometimes it is hard to be positive and it's not because you are doing anything wrong. You are doing lots, but it sounds relentless.

Can you speak to school?

The school are involved and suggested the referral to camhs which was accepted. Despite this he does mask pretty well at school so they don't see the half of it. They are supportive though.

Relentless is definitely the word. I have a 2 year old who is testing the boundaries and we discipline him appropriately and he stops and we move on and have a nice day. This has never happened with my 5 year old. He has never stopped his behaviour when asked or when disciplined. And his challenging behaviour is constant. You simply cannot understand it unless you experience it.