Should I allow a sleepover after my teenager self-harmed recently?

[Saahbo]

*Self harm trigger warning⚠️

DD16 has aut and adhd. Is.a nightmare generally but recently sliced her arms up.

She wants to go on a sleepover with a friend who I think is abit unhinged but I know the mum a little and she is sensible I think.

Firstly do I let her go and secondly if I do how much do I tell the mum?
I think i should tell her all of it but then how do I handle it with DD if the invite is withdrawn?

What's the actual reason to not let her go? As a punishment? Or because you think the friends a bad influence? Why exactly not to let her go?

Is it just the two of them sleeping over? If so, I’d call the mum, explain, and have the girl to sleep at yours instead.

Nope. Your dd needs watching like a hawk. You don’t really know this girl or her mother. Sometimes it’s totally ok to say - ‘not at the moment’

Invite them over to yours maybe but I’d be discouraging the friendship as they may actually egg each other on.

I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I know it’s very difficult, but I think communication is absolutely vital in this situation.
It’s important that your daughter doesn’t feel like she’s losing her independence or being punished but I wonder if you could ask for a few steps to be made before she goes for this sleepover. I know Mind UK have advice on creating a safety plan for teenagers which builds a step by step process for when certain feelings and impulses arise. Maybe you could ask her to create one with you or another adult you both trust before this sleepover ?
I would be 100% open with the other mum about everything before you both confirm the sleepover. Her daughter could also have similar issues or she may just not feel confident in how to respond to a worst case scenario.
As a parent of someone with mental health challenges you are also entitled and encouraged to contact any of the mental health charities, your GP or the NHS to get advice and support with this so if you don’t feel 100% okay with a decision then it may help to get a second opinion xx

Why are you letting her go on a sleepover with someone you consider unhinged?

Your language about the other girl isn't ok. It might be helpful if you can explain more appropriately what causes you concern about this sleepover with this friend.

You can't tell the other girl's mum about the self harm without your DD's permission, and you might want to consider carefully if this family are safe people to be privy to personal information.

It might be a time to have sleepovers at your house instead, would your DD feel happy with that?

Dd has had some periods of self harm in the past, also audhd and has been allowed sleepovers during those periods. I obviously spoke to her beforehand around being able to keep herself safe at another person's house and what to do if she started to feel unsafe but they were always a positive distraction and a helpful thing rather than a negative. These were with good friends though and noone I'd describe as unhinged. You might have to explain what you mean by that.

What’s ‘unhinged’? Is she a nightmare kid? Or are you referring to her mental health?

Talk to your Dd. I assume she now has no access to sharps at your house? If I were the other mother I would want the opportunity to make my house similarly safe. So your DD needs to be comfortable with you sharing that level of information with the other mother, or she doesn't go.

How recently was this? Why did she self harm? Any other attempts? Would she call you to come get her if she’s in crisis?

Why is the friend unhinged , as that would carry more weight over allowing the sleepover , regardless of the self harm.

She shouldn’t be punished for self-harming. Speaking from personal experience, what children who self harm really need is validation of their feelings and someone to hear them. They don’t need to be told not to feel and that everything they’re feeling is wrong. However, if you think the friend is a bad apple and not kind to her, it’s worth having a conversation about that, though at 16, I suspect you’re a bit beyond the allowing her to stay at a friends or not phase.

Thanks for the replies, seeing the different views its clear this isnt an easy decision.
Firstly the unhinged part...I said I THINK she is a BIT unhinged for want of a better word because they were friends about 2 yrs ago and then stopped 6 months later. I asked DD and she said its because friend went weird and stalkery when DD rejected her romantic advances. They've started being friends again only recently, she said she is normal now. I guess they do mature. However my concern is that a few times they have gone to the park together drinking. I told her that she needs to stop doing that, weve never been anti drinking given her age but I said she has to be somewhere safe. The last time she went out with her to the park is when she cut herself. She swears her friend had gone home when she did this.
So the problem is that the SH happened a few weeks ago, it has happened before but not for a while. She has no regrets doing it, said she would do it again because she likes it and wants to do it. She does it in obvious places so we see the marks. We have had safety plans but actually admits not having any interest in following them.
She doesnt want friend to come here for a sleepover because our house is rather busy with her other siblings. Friend is an only child.
If we ever say no to her its days of her giving us grief and not accepting our answer regardless of whatever logical reason we give her.

Im also torn between sharing her personal info with friends mum and respecting DDs privacy. I feel its not fair on friends mum and possibly unsafe if something did go wrong and she didnt have the info

Nope. Too soon.

I think you need to explain to your DD that while she is engaging in unsafe behaviour and sees no reason to try and stop doing it, you're not putting another parent in the position of feeling responsible for her. It would be very unfair on the other mother to allow your DD to stay at her house while she is at risk of self harming. I certainly wouldn't want responsibility for someone else's child in these circumstances.

I agree, I wouldn't be happy if it was the other way around. I think ill bite the bullet with this and see how she reacts.🙁

I’d say given the circumstances and that info, it’s a no to the sleepover. If you do let her go, at the very least I’d say something like “Hi, due to some personal circumstances X can’t have any alcohol at the moment so could you please keep an eye on that. Thanks.” . Hopefully it removes the alcohol as a trigger and lets the mum know that something is going on without fully breaking your DD’s confidence/privacy.

After your most recent update OP im
still firmly in the ‘no chance’ camp.

She absolutely shouldn’t be drinking at her age especially either her mental health - as it will make it worse.

She SH directly after spending time with this girl - what triggered it? They are not a good match to be hanging out with each other.

Get her some councilling and watch her like a hawk - it literally take up camp beside my dd if she had done this. She is 16 and needs taking back under your wing