To want another baby - head or heart?!

[Beachymum]

For context I have 2 beautiful children (4 and 7). I’ve never felt “done”. My head says no but my heart says yes. I feel empty. I yearn so desperately for another baby. My husband is not against it at all but he’s with my head in that we can’t really afford for me to have another maternity leave and return part time (I’ve taken a step down in my job to enable me to be with our children more).
How do I get over this feeling?!

Mmmm, not necessarily.

I love having a big family (6), but after DS was born I knew that was it for me. It was like my procreation drive turned off very suddenly!

OP, lots to think about here. Hope you find the right answer for you and your family.

When You are thinking about a third baby remind yourself, it could be twins, or have a disability, it will take your energy from the children you have and financing university will be heavy.

What if you have triplets? This happened to me third baby turned into triplets. Both my dc had medical issues and disabilities, sadly pregnancy didn't get to end stage but my god i was terrified and it put me off trying again. The idea of 5 children with potential disabilities.
Happened to a friend of mine two lads with autism and adhd and the third baby had a genetic disability so rare that he's the only one in the world with it. He has severe and profound learning disabilities and ends up in hospital regularly was in her 20s aswell . Its a huge gamble having a third.

I felt the same as you for years I really wanted another whereas my husband did not.
Now mine are 18 and 13 I am now glad I didn't have a 3rd.
I find parenting is harder the older they get and also gets more expensive. They definitely need their own space too it would be a nightmare if they shared bedrooms.

You feel what you feel, in all its discomfort. It will pass.

In your situation: I would not. I've never had a financial requirement to ' work ' but did some of the time. And it wasn't easy with 5. Today, as most women WORK is definitely the very SHORT straw and are the main Ring masters in Life, carrying a heavy burden...so sad.

Sleepless night poopy nappies, crying teething, tantrums, back to the beginning with baby stage, the cost no thank you.

You have 2 at a good age getting some freedom back stick to that.
Book a holiday.

I don't think it's fair to have a child when one parent is 'not against it' rather than 100% wanting it. I think you can accept the feeling and sit with it, but know in your head it's the right decision to stick with your 2 kids. What about if a third had additional needs or medical issues?

2 works better for holidays, cars, trips out, clubs (between you, you can be in two places- but not 3).

I have this feeling with cats. Head tells me x is enough; heart (and family!) tell me we need to rescue all the black and white ones. And then one of them needs the vet, and i remember why we stop at this number.

I was you about 20 years ago. We had 2 wonderful children and we had agreed after DD2 was born that we wouldn't have any more; however, I became extremely broody after DD1 started school, and even more so after DD2 did. My DH was dead against having a third though, mainly for financial and practical reasons (would need a bigger house, bigger car etc.) so we didn't have one. I did find it difficult at first, but my DH was right; money was really tight when our DC were younger and we just couldn't have afforded a third without making some real sacrifices (which would have affected our DC too).

That yearning will pass in time, especially as your DC start getting older and a little more independent, and you start getting your life back. I remember doing the school run for the last time with DD2 and thinking 'thank God I don't have to do that anymore!' 😆

Just concentrate on giving your existing DC the best life you can and reminding yourself how lucky you are to have them, and think of all the money you're saving by not having a third, and what you can spend that money on instead.

You get over the feeling by facing it head on. “Hello, you again? I know you want another baby but it’s not right for our family. Thank you for letting me know how you feel.” Have the conversation with yourself, acknowledge the desire, and say no. Be gentle with yourself but say no.

I had 1 through ivf and a traumatic birth, the fact I was older, the pandemic stopped even another conversation about a second.
Feeling empty can be through so many reasons, eg unfulfilled in relationships or work, bored, hormonal. All sorts.
Did you feel empty before the other 2 children? Did you feel fulfilled when they were small and needed you more? Did that pass. I guess you have to ask lots of questions of yourself.
But ultimately dad isn't bothered and you can't afford it. What happens if you have a disabled child or traumatic birth? You have two children that already deserve the world and your time and money. Maybe think about how to feel more fulfilled in other areas. Focus on the time you have with your kids and partner now. Nuture the spare time you have. The time to focus on each child. Your husband. Have some great weekends away and holidays you'd struggle more with younger children eg camping. We are going to Canada in a year or 2 for example. Those things would largely go with 3 and friends tell me some of those things became more tricky to manage with 2.

Wait until your eldest hits the teen years... That yearning for more will very quickly disappear!

I wanted 4 children and I have 2
Nature messes with your head but you can just ignore it
It would have been so unfair to have had more and I knew that
I wanted my kids to have the opportunities I could offer them which they wouldn’t have had with lots of siblings
I also see lots of families with 3 kids not coping and I wonder why they had a third

I wrote a list of pros and cons. The cons list was long the pros just said “because I want to”. I did. I don’t think I’d have come to terms with not.

We thought we were done at 2, accidentally got pregnant and she’s really completed our family and it’s been the best dynamic and easiest transition. I think you’re always more likely to regret what you don’t have rather than what you do have.

Although we have had to get a new car and I’m
sure she’ll be expensive as she gets older! 😅

You get over it by Accepting things how they are and that is in the best interests of your existing children to not have anymore - putting them and their futures first over your "wants"

Or counselling if you can't do that

You have two children. Enjoy them. What of you had a third and they were severely disabled and meant one of you couldn’t work and your other children didn’t get your time or energy?

As for advice… it’s hormonal. Keep pushing through until the urge fades.

Really want a third and been trying for 18 months now and found out wife has endometriosis. First 2 relatively easy. Looks like third not likely to happen though neither of us feels 'done' or at peace with this yet either.

Could make it work financially but IVF not an option we'd want to take.

I suppose it's something that you find peace with over time.

I’m having the same internal battle now so I feel you OP. I don’t have the answer but I’m also worried I will regret not having a 3rd, and if I will resent myself later for not following my heart/gut.