To want another baby - head or heart?!

[Beachymum]

For context I have 2 beautiful children (4 and 7). I’ve never felt “done”. My head says no but my heart says yes. I feel empty. I yearn so desperately for another baby. My husband is not against it at all but he’s with my head in that we can’t really afford for me to have another maternity leave and return part time (I’ve taken a step down in my job to enable me to be with our children more).
How do I get over this feeling?!

Sounds like money is tight
so no I wouldn’t

I wouldn’t behaving a child with someone who “wasn’t against it”

You can’t afford it. So just focus on the 2 you do have and give them the opportunities you definitely would not be able to afford if you had a third

What would you get from a third that you don't get from your first two?

I’m not asking if I should have one, I’m asking on advice on getting over this feeling. I’m not the first woman to feel this way and I won’t be the last!

I really regret not having a third, so I would say go for it. Probably not helpful I know!

Book a really nice holiday that you know you’d never be able to afford if you had a third!!

and you gave the distinct impression you were asking a question…. head or heart?

I used my head and listened to my DH say we can't afford , etc. Many many years later it is my biggest regret . The heart wants what the heart wants . 💖

I guess it's about knowing that it is just a feeling, and that whilst all feelings are valid, what we do with those feelings are led by our heads.

Otherwise every time we felt angry, we would act on it, and we don't.

You need to let yourself feel the sadness about wanting another child whilst knowing that it is not practical and that it would not be in the best interests of your family as a whole.

To be fair your question in the thread title was ‘head or heart’.

Try and remind yourself how much easier life is with 2, especially now you ada fully out of the baby and toddler phase. You will be better positioned to afford to enjoy your kids with 2 and you have so much to look forward to. When that sad feeling creeps up get into the habit of allowing yourself to feel it, and then move on. Sounds odd but it works for me on other things - give the feeling its moment, and then let it pass on

I would say focus on it being the right decision for your 2 children in terms of saving money that is already tight for their future. Helping them with their education and independence in the future.

On the basis that you’ve advised you can’t afford it, i think the posters above telling you to do it are irresponsible.

Can you survive in one salary for a year or I guess the question is can he step up? If the answer is no to both then no. I wouldn't have another one. We were debating the same and we end up having 3 and I love it. I was always the bread winner in our family but for my last one i was not eligible for paid mat leave as I changed job while I was 3 months pregnant so my partner had to push promotion or find another job till I finish mat leave which he did. And everything end up working out.

Ask yourself why you yearn for another baby? Is it because you actually want another child or is it because you miss the baby snuggles? I think you have to remember that babies turn into kids that turn into adults. If having another baby affected your husband and other kids negatively and if that feeling of missing the baby stage never goes away then would it really be worth it?

I don’t have advice for getting over it because it was such an urge for me and I had the third.

i do think I will really miss the baby snuggles after this one grows up. Babies just smell too good!!

I really wanted a third but we couldn't afford it. Children get way more expensive as they get older:- Holidays, technology, clothes, food, driving lessons, cars, university!!

So I was completely done at 2 dd 7 and ds 4 because I had my one of each, I’d got my degree and started a career just as ds was heading to school, husband was on the fence as he’d like more but understood my reasoning. someone or something had other plans for us as I ended up pregnant and I’ll admit I really struggled to bond with baby while pregnant however now that he’s here he completes our family in a way I didn’t realise both of the older children are besotted, financially it’s been a bit of a hit but we’ve budgeted and cutback been more creative with ensuring we aren’t being wasteful and making sure we’re on the best deals with all our providers. So while I can’t tell you how to get over the feelings of wanting more children I can tell you that it wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen and you always find a way to manage.

I thought about what opportunities I wanted that wouldn't be possible (or much more difficult) with a third and a bigger age range. We stuck with 2 and we've enjoyed the more adventurous holidays that wouldn't work with a third. I also stayed with a day off a week after DC started school which allowed me to enjoy time to myself and gave me time and space to pursue a new and exciting career change. I also love the 1:1 time I get with DC which would be harder with 3. I'm definitely content with having stuck at 2.

3 kids is a wealthy persons game. Doesn’t sound like can afford it

I stopped having children before I was ready and I do regret it. We could have just managed financially but my DH didn’t want to just manage and I didn’t want to be the only one happy with a decision to have another baby.

Convince yourself you want to give the best possible life to the two you have and not spread your resources too far.

I find it strange you say you feel empty. Do you need 3 kids and not just 2 to feel something?

I knew a woman who thought having a kid would fulfil her.

After 6 she realised not even the first one did “fulfill” her once the baby stage was over.

If you feel empty it’s not because you’ve not had some arbitrary number of kids.

I think feeling empty while having your 2 children is verging into kick up the bum territory. Throw yourself into the enjoyment of the 2 lovely children you do have.

There's a lot that could go wrong with having another -not least financial constraints which impact your older children more,

What happens if you have a 3rd and still feel empty?

What do you think a 3rd will give you that your current 2 don’t?
personally I wouldn’t intentionally make my currents life harder (less money, less time) for another sibling. Your two are at a lovely age. Enjoy them.

Sounds pretty selfish to have a baby just because you feel empty, especially when the sensible choice would be to not have one, doesn't it?

Remind yourself it's not right for your family, wouldn't be fair on your current children. That should be enough to not want another?

If you can’t easily afford it you just need for remind yourself why you’re sticking with two.
More financial resources for your two children, more time for your current children, more energy for your current children.
Plenty of women always think they could go for one more but that doesn’t mean it would be a good idea.

Go with your head. Babies grow up into teenagers and it’s a hard world to be a teenager in. Parenting older kids and teens has been so so much harder than when they were little. Focus on the kids you have.