How can I explain their dad’s unkind comments without alienating them?

[lionfairy]

for a bit of back story My ex husband was horrifically abusive. I’m not going to go into details, my dc are aware of some of the abuse, that they witnessed, but not all of it. My eldest was 8 when I left and my youngest was 2. They weren’t aware of the extent of the emotional abuse, financial abuse and sexual abuse for example. They saw the physical. My kids still see their dad every other Saturday for a few hours a week.
I’m happily remarried and my husband has full custody of his children. We have 8 children living with us. Unexpectedly I became pregnant. We were using BC and this was a total shock. (DH is booked in for a vasectomy next month! No more surprises!)
I haven’t told exh that I’m pregnant and the kids who are now 9, 12 and 14 (16yo refuses to see him) have probably mentioned it at some point.
The past few times they’ve come home they’ve said things like “there’s someone giving away baby clothes on the side of the road round the corner. Dad says you should go and look” or (today’s gem) “the lady next to dad has put her highchair on the street. It needs fixing but Dad says it will be perfect for you” there’s so many more comments over the last few weeks (he’s had them extra over the summer holidays)
I have tried so hard to let them figure out their relationship with their dad themselves despite how he treated me. How do I explain to my children that this is unkind and continues the abuse without alienating them from their dad. I’ve told them that dh and I are perfectly capable of providing for our child and don’t need things that are broken for our baby.
DH is livid and is on the verge of confronting him, which I don’t think would be helpful. He knows everything obviously, supported me through police interviews etc and is completely triggered by the whole thing. Hates him and wants him out of our lives.
I try hard to stay neutral and let the kids figure it out, but I find it hard when the kids come home and say things like this. Suggesting my baby is less than or something.
part of this is me venting because I’m angry and can’t show it because my dh would be straight over to his house hammering on the door…and probably end up in a police cell (he’s not abusive at all, he’s very protective of me). The other part is asking for help, how would you gently tell the kids that this is abusive on his part and I don’t want to know what he says.

‘Your dad is being daft- we don’t need those things because we’re getting new things for your brother/sister.’

And ignore him, especially your DH- he’s looking for a reaction.

Feign bemusement.
Every time this nonsense gets reported reply with a variation on,.' I can't imagine why he said that . We're fine.'

Just don't engage and don't react.

I assume you can well afford all these 9 children?!

Tell your children you're not interested in hearing comments from ex. End of conversation.

What your ex is doing is too subtle for children to understand, especially the 9 year old. I think you just need to rise above it, just say 'thanks for that but we're all sorted, we don't need any help finding things for the baby'.

It is understandable given your history, but it sounds like you and your DP are giving too much headspace to some comments about some second-hand baby gear. You have interpreted these comments as your ex insinuating your baby is “less than”. You know him and your suspicions may be right but the comments could also have been harmless or initiated by your dc.

When you don’t have an amicable relationship with a co-parent you have to pick your battles and I don’t think this is the correct one to pick. I wouldn’t try to tell your kids their dd is being abusive. I would either ignore it or just say you plan to pick out your own things.

You are giving your ex too much power. He can’t hurt you in the way he used to so don’t let him occupy your thoughts in what should be a happy time.

Dont rise to it. A bland neutrual. "Oh no we are.ok don't worry" to the remarks and then change of subject to the younger. Though if the 14 year old repeats it I might ask. "Do you feel ok when he says such comments? As if not It's ok to talk to me about it"

Don't let your partner "talk to your x" your X wants to get at you. Through talking to him you are playing into his games.

Money is tight, but not unmanageable. This is dh and my first (only and last) baby together. He had 4 with his ex and I had 4 with my ex. I’ve had a few miscarriages over the years and didn’t want an abortion, so we’re making it work. they have new shoes and school uniform every year, we take them on holiday once a year. Dh works 2 jobs and I work 2 jobs. The kids are happy and excited about the new baby, they’ve expressed worries and fears along with way and we’ve validated, supported and reassured them. We make sure we spend 1-1 time with all of our kids on a monthly basis where we take them out. 9-10pm is the worst time, our bedroom becomes like Piccadilly Circus with all the teens suddenly becoming coherent and wanting to chat 😝 but we make it work and we will make it work with a 9th.

14yo DD is autistic. She was talking about Christmas when she was grown up and had children of her own and how she was going to need to spend time with me, with nanna and with gran and wasn’t going to have time to spend with just her children. I laughed and said, don’t forget dad, you might want to visit him too. She looked at me very seriously and said “my children will never see him” I was really shocked as that’s the first time she’s ever expressed that. Since then I’ve allowed her to talk though everything that happens at his house because I think she needs to vent. But not in the way you would recognise it as venting. (She also knows she doesn’t have to go, but she says she should as he’s her dad)

Bland and neutral is the way to go. Calm and let it wash over me.

I bet their Dad is now jealous @lionfairy and this ‘pretend help’ is all he can try to do to wind you up. You’ve had plenty of good suggestions here - main one is your DP needs to let it wash over/ignore it. I think you’re doing fine!

I think this is the right way to go in general.

However once your children are of an age where they are proactively clocking and expressing their own upset/disappointment/anger about what their father says and does, I think they are mature enough to start widening the conversation so they are validated in their feelings that he’s not behaving appropriately.

If an eight-year-old repeats an abusive comment innocently, there’s no need to do anything but give a bemused reassurance that things are fine, but if a 14-year-old is repeating the same comment in a way that shows annoyance or exasperation or seems like they’re taking on their father’s abusive perspective, then I think it’s beneficial and important to have a more direct engagement about it.

Refuting abuse is not alienation.

She sounds like a wonderful girl.

@lionfairy are they saying it in a tone that suggests they think he is making a genuine suggestion, or are they saying it in a tone that suggests that it is upsetting them?

I think it's a tricky line to tread - if it's upsetting them, you don't want them to think they can't tell you about it. If they haven't realised it's unkind and insincere, you don't want to give it attention and air time.

I think I'd say 'Thanks for letting me know. Dad doesn't need to worry about the baby -we've got it sorted.'

I agree with PP. if it’s the younger kids and being said innocently as in they don’t know he’s being an arse- just a breezy “your dad doesn’t need to worry about our baby” and change the subject. If it’s the older ones you can ask them how they feel when their dad says these things and take it from there. You could help them think of answers that might shut him down or at least let them know that you don’t care what he says or thinks. But your new partner needs to calm the fuck down and stop adding fuel to the fire. Your children don’t need that kind of toxic man when they have a dad like they do already. They need a calm and unruffled one.

You sound great parents. You have moved on and are happy and your ex obviously hasn’t. Don’t let him get in your head and mess things up.

Don't do what I did and say oh how unkind of him instead of kind to an unwanted unneeded suggestion my eldest laughed and said it is a bit isnt it 😂

I disagree with the PPs. I’d just explain- calmly- that he’s trying to insult you. They need to know that it isn’t a nice way to talk apart from anything else. You don’t want them insulting other people unintentionally.

”I think he’s pretending we don’t have enough money and won’t look after the baby properly. That’s not very nice thing to say. I think he said that to be unkind, but luckily we don't care what he thinks”

”That’s a mean joke. That’s not the kind of thing people should say. Don’t worry though, he hasn’t upset me.”

Always include that he isn’t getting to you, and that you aren’t blaming them for what he said. They need to know you are ok.

They also need the information to gradually work out he’s an arsehole.

Just laugh and say how silly he is! Don't give it any power.

My kids dad isn’t abusive but is generally a bit shit. And does these sort of “faux helpful” things with the kids, usually about my job which he massive resents.

I tend to ask the kids neutral questions to help them figure it out themselves, without discussing his intent.

So, in our situation if he’s told them I could think about quitting my job so they don’t have to go to childcare, then I might reply with “Hhmmm, how would we afford to pay for our holiday if I didn’t have a job?”

In your situation you could ask “Thats an interesting suggestion. Do you think that a broken high chair would be safe for a baby?”

Or “I like reusing baby clothes because it’s good for the environment, and I like buying new because I want baby to have some new things so I think I’ll do a mix. When you’re a grownup, which do you think you’ll do if you have a baby?”