Advice wanted on child arrangements during divorce with teenage and younger children

[NewMe43]

Well I am new to this but would like some guidance and advice. Going through a divorce and we have 3 kids - 15 13, 9. I cant afford to keep the house we have so ex will keep it, which means starting all over and getting mortgage of my own. I have come to terms with that and the financial hardship it will entail. What I would love advice on is child custody from those who have been through it or going through it with my age group. What was your custody schedule like? What worked? What didnt work? If you went through it and your kids are grown, do they ever talk about the pros/cons of the custody schedule put in place. This transition will be hard enough, I want to make sure we are making the right choices for our kids.

My main thought is that your two eldest will choose for themselves where they live, which will probably depend on proximity to school and friends, rooms available and whether either of you introduces a new partner before they leave home.

Your youngest is old enough to have a view too so consult with them.

My ds lived with me full time because my ex could not be trusted to provide a safe and healthy environment. DS liked that he wasn't dragged back and forth between two addresses. He could do weekend clubs without missing every other week, see his friends whenever he wanted, and have a part time job when older. It meant that I took all the decisions about food, health, school etc so there was calm consistent parenting.

Ex visited for a few hours each week, which was all he was interested in, and I was able to keep a young ds away from the distinctly weird new woman. It worked out fine in the end.

Thank you for your response.

50/50 is horrible for lots of kids as always moving between houses -the stuff they want is always in the other house etc. living close by your ex can help but may not be what you want.

We are debating between 50/50 and primary physical custody. But I dont know what the kids would prefer and I dont want to put them in the position of having to choose. I feel primary physical custody in one home, especially during school year, would work best but ex wants 50/50, to help reduce child support.

What do the kids want? Is there a chance they’d want to stay in the former family home if it wasn’t 50/50?

Cross post - I think that at their ages, the older DC should definitely have a say.

Depends a bit what their relationship with both of you is and who does the primary parenting. Mine were 7, 11, 14 when we separated 4 years ago. They do alternate weekends and one dinner a week. I’ve always said to him he could increase it if he wanted but he never has (I thought he wouldn’t) and the kids wouldn’t want to go any more than they do. My house is very much their primary home but then I always was the primary parent and he was quite distant emotionally and physically. I think it’s possible to find out what they’d like and their feelings on it without “making them choose” or putting them under pressure. If you’re going to stay geographically close together that makes things a lot easier.

I do the primary parenting, always have and still do even with both of us knowing it won't be that way forever. Ive asked the 13yo and she says it depends where I move, which we are trying to keep them in the same schools, #1 priority. Military family so moved around alot, they've finally settled in to routine with friends, extra curricular, etc. But she is always with me no matter where I go, wants to go with me. Shes had alot of mental issues this past year so im worried what actual custody schedule might do to her. But I think she'll overcome. Hard to tell. But this topic is 100% the issue with our divorce is child custody agreement.