How do I unwrap DH from DD2’s little finger?

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How do I unwrap DH from DD2’s little finger?

Apologies in advance for the long post.

Husband and I have 3 kids, DS1, DD1, and DD2. DS1 and DD1 bounce between living out and living at home depending on leases, relationships, redundancies, etc, but for the most part they are functional adults.

DD2 however, has been home since graduation almost two years now. She has sporadically worked in pubs or retail but never full time and never for longer than a couple months before inevitably coming home complaining about a cliquey workplace or a bad manager.

I am trying to put my foot down and make her get full time role, start adulthood and move towards moving out, but I am constantly being undermined by my husband who is incapable of seeing any wrong in her. He pays her credit card when she can’t, assumes the role of barrister for the defence whenever I try to punish or even criticise her, and generally enables her behaviour.

They have always been especially close as DD2 enjoys many of his interests like football and politics and she absolutely knows and uses this. On several occasions this summer, after being told off or denied something by me, she has come into the living room when we’re both together, segued into talking about something related to the World Cup or some political news story or some TV show to get DH all excited, and then dropped the ask again, humbly asking us to consider it knowing full well DH will now not want to go against her. She has done this since adolescence but now the blatant manipulation pisses me off.

She is a good person. She is considerate and kind. She saved up to buy her own second hand car outright (which DH never fails to bring up when I talk about her lack of work ethic). I just worry that she’s become too comfortable. When I ask DH about supporting her to move out he says he’d rather her be home than in a grotty HMO or in a relationship for the sake of it. If I ask about her not having a job he goes on about how hard it is for young people to get jobs nowadays (I know it is) and we should bear with her. Whatever it is there is some excuse to let her get away with murder. If I tell him not to enable her by paying her credit card off he says he doesn’t want her to ruin her credit and that he trusts she will get back on track soon.

I’m at my wits end here. Does anyone have any experience or anything they can share about handling a difference in parenting styles for adult child? I should also add he was not like this with DS1 and DD1, but they were never really like this. Thanks so much for reading.

I think that you need to sit down with DH and ask what he envisions for DD2. Talk to him about how you can plan to help her achieve this.

Don't focus immediately on what he is doing 'wrong' in your view but come up with a genuinely joint plan to help.

You can think about whether or not you include DD2 in the conversation initially or later.

Thank you so much for replying. We both agree on the big picture. We want her to find a full time role she loves and can stay in long term and eventually move out, but the conflict only arises when we talk about how to treat her now. Right now she is in an environment where there is little incentive to go for this long term plan.

Can you start working back from that long term plan in smaller chunks.

eg. The easiest time to get a job is when you’ve already got one. Budgeting is easier when it’s an engrained habit rather than starting from scratch.

Work can take different forms, so if she’s not in paid employment and youre providing the board and lodging then to help her not fall into the unemployable bracket she needs routine and commitment, so should be volunteering on set shifts. Minimum wage jobs are better than no job etc.

Glad you agree on the long term. Now it is about stepping stones to get there.

Out of interest does she do much of the housework? Would one way to help her with budgeting be that if she is out of work she has a schedule whereby she does some job hunting, some volunteer work and some housework.

You could then give her an allowance based on this so that she learns to budget. Would DH get on board with not paying off her credit card if she had a reasonable and agreed budget? If his concern is around her credit score could he just transfer the debt to owing you and keep a spreadsheet so that she does pay you back? Could this address both of your concerns?

Then talk to him the path he envisages her taking to achieve the ideal future. Be specific, ‘what sort of skills and attributes is her future employer going to want and how can we facilitate her gaining these?’

Whats her social life like?