How can I stop my 12-year-old helping himself to food?

[Winetime00]

My 12yr old son is constantly going in the fridge/food cupboards helping himself to whatever he fancies. Usually sugary stuff and over the top. Often food I've got plans for. He comes down in the night when I'm sleeping. I've repeatedly told him he's not to help himself. He takes no notice. He's a bit overweight. I don't like him not asking...and I'm a control freak when it comes to my kitchen...and also his diet. He's overweight, has ADHD, and seems to have an eating disorder...quite obsessive. It's driving me nuts. And he keeps on doing it...takes absolutely no notice. Any advice, suggestions would be appreciated.

Stop buying sugary treats
Overhaul his meals so he's properly satiated at meals
Provide healthy food he can help himself to
Stop being such a control freak over food
And accept that h s ADHD and WILL be a dopamine seeker so you hac to let some of it go

Is his adhd medicated? A lot of us adhd people when we aren't medicated, self medicate with things and binge eat.

Both of my kids are like this, youngest is just lucky she is naturally thin and burns it all off fast. Eldest has meds but I don't think he takes them, he's 19 and I can't tell him what to do. But he's a proper butterball, he's chronically ill as well so isn't burning it off and has my stupid weight gene.

It is hard. I stopped getting in the really sugary and fat filled foods. Limit the chances for constant bad choices.

I have just stopped stocking up the unhealthy snack box. So no crisps or snack/chocolate bars or biscuits in the house. The snack box now has rice cakes, pita bread, bagels and bread sticks. And the fruit bowl has bananas and apples. I’m happy for my 12 year old to help himself to those. He was having multiple
packets of crisps and bars a day and it was too unhealthy and expensive! I want him to get stuff when he’s hungry, he’s a growing boy. So I just got rid of that stuff.

If he has SEN needs, you need locks. That’s the only way to keep things under control. They can’t help it; you can’t supervise 24/7.

Less fun food in the house
some “freely available” food - bread and butter when I was small was never rationed
locks
punishment - out of fashion I know but for example no puddings for the week

It’s his home too, there should be things he can eat without needing to ask every time. He’s also on the verge of puberty which will make him more hungry. Have a range of snacks that you’re ok with him eating and out everything else out of reach, don’t buy lots of sugary snacks if you don’t want him to eat them, but also try to dial down the control breaker - he’s in high school, eating whatever he wants there. As long as meals are healthy, balanced and sufficient he’ll be getting his nutritional needs met.

My 12 year old finishes his dinner most nights with a mini magnum and a split pot yogurt. Its an important age for boys as they grown from 5' to nearer 6'. That takes a lot more calories than the rest of the family need. So perhaps start off by thinking about the quality and quantity of what he's eating during the day. Is he getting enough protein, carbs and vegetables?
If you're really concerned about an eating disorder see a doctor- but be careful not to pathologise puberty.

This is the age when young boys are growing and they eat loads and loads and loads.

if you are concerned about what he is eating then don’t buy the unhealthy stuff. It’s a good idea to have food he is allowed to snack on - you might be surprised how hungry he can get.

I always allowed fruit (apples etc in a fruit bowl) and toast is a cheap filler.

It’s normal at this age for them to help themselves. I don’t keep sugary junk in the house unless I want them to eat it. I stock us with cheese and cold meats and bread, high protein yoghurt, dried fruit, nuts, crackers and lots of fruit.

If I buy something I specifically need (chocolate to make a cake), I make sure everyone knows it and knows they will get my wrath if they touch it. For my 13 year old, I will transfer £5 from her bank account for the cost and hassle of replacing it and she knows it! I’ve done it before. So that is a strong deterrent.

Absolutely no late night snacking. Once they’ve brushed teeth and put phone on charge, the kitchen is closed. No more eating. You eat more at dinner if you’re hungry. I listen out for any attempts to sneak down and tell them off. During the day they can eat what they want (as long as it’s not for something). But mine are very active and I have no concerns about overeating. If they are hungry during normal eating hours, I have plenty of healthy stuff for them to eat.

I can relate to this. My son has ADHD and would regularly eat the contents of the fridge and cupboards although he went for spicy and savoury foods. I ended up doing frequent shops so the fridge had the bare minimum in. Also gave him his own shelf and cupboard which contained food he liked. It's so difficult to manage. He's still the same as an adult. First thing he does when he visits is go straight to the fridge and appears with slices of cooked meat or tubs of olives.

Also this is a great age to encourage an interest in baking and cooking. It encourages independence and gives a sense of pride in feeding the family. We still have a battered mumsnet cookbook but I'm sure there are lots of good ones for kids to try.

What @Jellycatspyjamas said.

Stop buying the the unhealthy sugary snacks and make him a snack box/ cupboard of healthy things that you (and DS) are happy for him to eat.

Fill the fruit bowl with apples and oranges (cheaper than berries/,grapes ) that your son can access freely.

I buy bread sticks, wholemeal bread, rice cakes, weetabix, dried fruit, plain yoghurt and a grate a big bowl of grated cheese each morning and chop up cucumber sticks and carrot sticks and keep in the fridge.

If my teen is starving they have free access to the above.

When I used to buy crisps, biscuits, chocolate my children would eat them and they'd disappear soon after buying them.

I now only buy crisps, biscuits and chocolate for the weekend.

Stop having crap in the house

Fridge lock?! No junk snacks and leave a few bits of fruit in a bowl. My 3 brothers did this, drove mum to distraction. Before she knew it, no bread, milk or cheese in the fridge in the morning. To be honest, I think it's teenage boys for you.

Only have healthy foods out and nothing else. Hide the rest.

Have available snacks likes cheese, nuts, fruit, canned fish, yoghurt etc. Fewer amounts of "naughty stuff" like raisins, dates, dried fruits, bananas.

If you do believe he has an eating disorder you should take him to the doctors and speak to ED charities.

Is he not just hungry? I was always starving at that age.

Don't buy junk food. Or if you do and he eats it don't replace it til next week. Once it's gone, it's gone. Or lock the cupboards? But they seems a bit cruel. And could fuel his ED even worse.

Respectfully,❤️ It’s important to accept that your child is neuro diverse and likely unable to regulate his emotions around food. He is fairly likely to have other ND traits ( speaking from experience with 2 DS’s with both adhd / asd)
Punishing him with locks is not the answer.
( That would be like completely messing up a tidy cupboard or fridge to you with your OCD - it would cause you to be very frustrated and stressed)
He has a lifelong, complicated condition in adhd and he will be seeking to comfort eat and of course this leads to weight gain .
Been in the same boat and as worried as you, regarding DS’s gaining weight, so I figured that they’re going to eat to self soothe - whether it’s a plate of crisps or a plate of fruit.. the constant grazing is a factor.
As is instant gratification. Plus he is growing rapidly .
So anything protein is the answer to have readily available as snacks ( nature’s ozempic) plus lots of cut up carrots/ cucumber/ peppers humus / hard boiled eggs / low fat cheese / apples etc - as pp said - on their own shelf / drawer in fridge xx
Look up the ‘free’ foods list on Slimming World for inspiration . I did the same and boys are happy with snacks and fuller for longer .
❤️

My son does this he’s adhd and is very heavy for a 16 year old. I’m about to have a lock smith come on and get a lock handle on my kitchen door because it’s uncontrollable. I’ve tried lock boxes in the fridge he breaks them, I’ve tried a lock on the fridge he used a knife to prise it off and scratched my fridge in the meantime. His meds didn’t help and I know he can’t help it but it’s got to the point where his weight is now a health issue so I’m having to put extreme measures in place to stop this.

Mine were allowed whatever they wanted from the treat drawer. One never liked sweet stuff from very small, still doesn't at 40, the other did! I am a believer if you try to control anything, they will go the opposite when they can. Both are grown men, never had a filling, both slim and healthy and eat very healthy too.

Oh and the 2nd was diagnosed adhd as an adult, which makes sense looking back.

Why have sweet stuff and junk in the house when he's not allowed to eat it?

Make sure have plenty of healthy stuff available for him to help himself to (apples, bananas, oranges, hard boiled eggs, homemade flapjacks or bran muffins, cheese cubes, hummus & pitta bread, cooked diced chicken etc), and clearly label with a sharpie things you don't want him to eat because they're for dinner. I found my ADHD son was great at not eating stuff if he knew it was needed for dinner, but he couldn't work that out for himself, so if it wasn't labelled he'd take first, then think later.

I agree with this. My son is a fantastic cook now. He had very little schooling due to his ADHD so was at home with me a lot. We would plan, shop and cook meals together.

Stop buying snacks and sugary treats. There's no need for them for any of the family. Have a Friday night movie night or something where everyone can pick one (single size) treat they can have with the movie; if you eat out, make sure people can have dessert if they choose; don't police party bags etc., so that people aren't feeling denied.

What do you mean he eats food you have plans for? Does he cook himself a steak at midnight? Make meals from scratch. Ensure that the shelf he can reach in the fridge is full of acceptable snacks - fruit, crudités and hummus, greek yoghurt. Have a jar of mixed nuts on the counter.

Talk about whether he eats because he's still hungry or because he's sad/stressed/bored/thirsty. Work together to find out why he is eating and find alternatives.

Manage your control freakery side. He's a child who can't help what he's doing without input and help from you.

The ADHD will not be helping.

My ADHD DS eats constantly. But he's also very active and he's got some limits. I buy things for him specifically that allow him to eat and that avoids endless sugar etc.

Things he eats a LOT of include:
Eggs - mostly at breakfast. he cooks them himself.
Greek yoghurt - alone or with homemade granola.
Smoothies - he makes these with frozen berries, yoghurt, milk and adds protein powder
Pasta - regular pasta that he eats with pesto or fresh pasta like tortellini that I buy so there's at least some nutrition
Toast with peanut butter
Fruit - although I usually have to do do bowls of this and give it to him.
Frozen crumbed chicken or fish - I buy these from waitrose and he cooks them in the air fryer
Leftovers - simetimes. He can be a bit weird on leftovers but I do encourage it as that way there's more veggies in there especially if it's things like pasta or stir fries where I've added veg.
Popcorn

He does have a few biscuits etc as well, but not excessively.

And yes, it can be expensive.