Using cutlery - what's normal?

[OneSereneShark]

I'm a step parent, and I was brought up by very strict parents... I have trouble knowing what's developmentally and societally normal!

My step son is coming up to 8yo, and he doesn't really use cutlery at home with his mum. He lives with her 75% of the time. We know this because he has regular mealtime video calls with my partner when he's with his mum, and he also tells us.

He'll eat most meals there with his hands, and if it's something messy (say chili and rice) he'll use a spoon.

I'm not here to cast judgement over anyone, just curious as to whether my strict upbringing has given me unfair expectations on kids?? I'm sure every family is different in the way they do things :)

No that’s not normal and lax parenting (unless you are going to dripfeed that he has SEN and struggles with cutlery).

My DS has Dyspraxia and struggles a bit with cutlery but he absolutely uses it, albeit a bit messily.

Spoon is fine really / the obsession with knife and fork is just culture but using hands isn’t fine

If he has school meals he will be using cutlery there.
Im sure it’s difficult to manage different expectations for 2 households but it’s not unreasonable to expect him to use cutlery when at your house. Maybe provide a spoon as well as a knife and fork.

Can he use a knife and fork? As in, has he learnt/been taught? What if if was a messy food that needed cutting up, like a chicken leg in a casserole or something?

No that’s not normal. I’d expect an 8YO to use cutlery pretty much as an adult would, except maybe needing a bit of help if something is particularly hard to chop e.g. a steak. The only time he should be eating with hands if it’s an appropriate food to do so like tacos or a pizza. Don’t all little kids get a hot lunch at school now? How does he manage that?

At 8, he should be able to use a knife and fork properly.

I wouldn’t describe myself as strict for teaching table manners - it’s an important life skill.

Not normal,

most kids are (somewhat messily) using cutlery fine by the time they start school.

Yes, cutlery is culture. Like talking, behaving properly, working, you know. Everything that is the opposite of behaving as a savage is, well, culture.

I’m not sure that you can logically say a spoon is fine, hands aren’t fine, and a knife and fork aren’t necessary.

How would someone who can only use a spoon and can’t use their hands eat something that needs cutting up? It’s not an obsession with a knife and fork, it’s just that a lot of food needs cutting!

Thanks everyone! I feel so validated 😬 He definitely doesn't have dyspraxia. His mum has very few boundaries and it seems she doesn't even offer him cutlery for many meals now.. Probably because he doesn't use them.

@Dreamerinme - no SEN!

@backformoreofthesame - Completely hear what you're saying but will he ever learn how to cut food though if he uses a spoon for stuff like nuggets and chips? 🙈

@MellowSubmarine - He knows how to, but gets no practice at his mum's so he almost re-learns every time he comes back to us!

@Bitzee - I've asked him this before and he says teachers don't make them .. Unsure if this is true!

@ElsiePiddockSkipsinherSleep - I'm so relieved it's not just me who thinks table manners are important 😆

@Octavia64 - Gosh and he's going into year 3 🙈🙈🙈🙈

My daughter is going into year 2 in September and mid way through year 1 we got an email from the key stage 1 lead saying that they are working on improving the use of cutlery at lunchtimes for her year group with children using their knives and forks to chop up their own food when necessary and using forks rather than spoons for scooping up food where possible and that we should be encouraging this at home.

Oh this is good! I wish they'd send a prompt like this to SSs parents!

My eldest is 6, and really needs cutlery explained not just modelled (his younger brother just copies us). So this summer we’ve been working hard on it with him. He does have low muscle tone and so quite often quits and uses spoon or hands later in the meal. We also don’t often serve food that needs cutting so I’m working on a week long plan to have him practice using knife and fork instead of spoon and fork.

Keep working on it with SS, but as he’s learning maybe be lax after he’s made a good effort for part of the meal. He’ll get there! My parents were very very strict and I think it made things too stressful for a bit. But my grandfather was stricter! He stabbed some of the kids with a fork for poor table manners!

They should be using cutlery properly by the time they go to school. Anything later is really lax parenting.

My parents never taught me to use cutlery properly when I was a child. I used to cut up my food and eat it with a fork like an American. So when I went to secondary school and occasionally had school dinners I felt very self conscious. I obviously learned by imitating the other children. Parents who fail to teach their children these basic skills are placing them at a severe social disadvantage for when they begin to mix in different circles. Imagine making it into a workplace environment and having poor table manners! It could go against you for promotion and other opportunities.

I think these days children should be able to use various cutlery / eating implements so knife and fork, chopsticks and how to politely eat with your hands when appropriate.

Probably she has enough other things to be worried about raising her kid alone 75% of the time. If your DH finds it important he can take a more active role in bringing up his son.

can dh contact the school and ask about their cutlery policy and explain why he is concerned for his child and would appreciate any help the school can provide wirh regard to a policy and encouraging parents to support it.

keep doing it at home. it’s a skill that needs learned.

This isn't a helpful comment as you don't know the situation. He fought extremely hard to have 50:50 and offers to have his son more to help her out on a very regular basis but she declines.

You always hear about kids not using knives and forks but it all depends- at 8 if he’s eating eg pasta with bolognaise is he using a fork? My kids use a spoon for rice but that doesn’t mean they can’t use a fork- and they’d use a fork for anything like bolognaise but plain pasta hands, knife and fork for potatoes veg and meat but then maybe she cuts it up for him? I disagree it’s him not being taught(unless you see him pick up a handful of something that obviously needs a knife and fork!!!)