AIBU to think I shouldn't be kicked out of my home and forced into a hotel for the night

[Herbatnikdip]

35M here.

I have put a number of posts on mumsnet asking for some more objective clarity on some the disagreements between myself and my wife.

Today is a more minor one than previously. These kind of debates have in some ways defined our three year marriage.

My wife (38F and successful high achieving professional) is not letting me into the private spaces of our home or touching my kids because earlier today I tried to fix her bike without gloves.

I got a small amount of grease on my hands. I have washed it off and clipped my nails, see pictures attached.

Currently my wife is insisting that I stay in a hotel tonight and that I cant spend time with or touch my children (daughter 21 months or daughter 7 months) because she is worried about the risk of contamination from the grease harming them. Also we had plans to make some Ikea furniture which needs to be postponed for the same reason. No amount of washing/ cleaning will convince her that I am safe.She thinks she is an educated professional who googled grease which is harmful if ingested or swallowed by children.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that its unreasonable that I should be kicked out of my home and not allowed to see my children because of this?

THIS THIS THIS.

Please be sure to read my previous post. Google Lindsay Clancy to read about it.

She’s not “insane.” She very clearly has OCD and needs support. She will genuinely believe that the contamination could have catastrophic consequences for the children. You shouldn’t be forced to leave though.

Read the responses. This is not UK this is AI USA.
The acknowledgement how unreasonable this is balm to my soul.
Should read "The acknowledgement how unreasonable this is IS balm to my soul."
Hey ho.

Please listen to me and do not leave the children alone with her.

I would ask her what the difference will be whether you went to a hotel or stayed home for those few hours.
She is not making any sense

I thought this might be PPD but this is so much worse
This has been going on for so long it has become part of her personality

I don’t understand why mental health departments would discharge her just on her say so that she is fine, or when she doesn’t show up especially when there are children in the house

If she is so convinced that there is nothing wrong with her why is she booking you a room at a hotel. Have you ever held a mirror up to her behaviour

Returning home and her calling the police, especially if she hits you is the least you should be doing.

You need to protect your children. If you are not there and one of them gets a spec of dirt on themselves would you be willing to stand by and watch them take the same punishment as you have been taken. Removed from the house overnight and beaten

Your religion might mean marriage is for life but what does it say about standing by and watching as your wife abuses your children.

This isn’t a marriage it is an abusive prison sentence which your inaction will have your children serving a life sentence.

Blimey. This is really dreadful. She is obviously very unwell. Can you talk to your GP and get some guidance? Otherwise call the crisis team, I think you get them via 101 now.

So sorry - I'd missed some of your posts. I see that you've already gone down that route.

Your wife is abusive regardless the reasons why, it is still abuse and I hope you either leave and fight for your kids or report to social care/ gp anyone who will listen so she will be forced into acknowledging her issues. I understand because I, although not as bad as your wife, was similar and it affected my relationships and time spent with my children. I wouldn’t let anyone cook or clean due to for example with cooking, the thoughts that grease/ food splatters will go everywhere and I couldn’t just wipe things over. They had to be cleaned a certain way and polished to perfection, I couldn’t cope with smears on anything; tiles, kitchen cupboards, the fridge. I couldn’t cope seeing greasy finger prints or the thought people had touched food and then touched other things in the home without washing their hands as I used to think they were “contaminating” all my furniture, soft furnishings ect with food and it made me and my home feel grubby and dirty. I didn’t like anyone trying to help with cleaning because again it had to be done a certain way. I used to wet vac the sofa and carpets daily even just spot cleaning. When I’d visit friends houses, I used to stand at the front door and use an antibacterial wipe to clean my feet before stepping into my home. I used to clean all my floors multiple times a day but with kitchen paper. I would never use a mop. Everytime someone used the toilet I would straight away go and clean it to high heaven and then have to clean the floor because I’d think that urine had splattered on the floor even if I couldn’t see it. What broke that cycle? I had a mental breakdown and completely gave up and my home turned to shit. I also use to constantly throw things away. I’m better now although when I clean I still have to do it my way. I wasn’t abusive to anyone about it but I was a deeply unhappy and lost person. If someone carried my food shopping bags in and placed them on the floor outside I’d have to bin all the food because it would be “contaminated” because bird poo might have been there for example and even if I did eat the food I’d be thinking about it and then start gagging. Honestly it doesn’t just get better. I still feel trapped in my way of doing things but I just accept I’m nuts and get on with life. I can feel your misery and pain. Your children will be so affected by this and grow up not knowing what’s normal. I spent years of my children’s life cleaning constantly, years I can never get back. I hope you reach out urgently for help.

I will just add, I couldn’t even just wash my hands and get on with things. They had to washed and I’d pump and pump more soap until it felt just right. I could wash my hands in excess off 100+ times a day and it wasn’t due to germs, it was because I couldn’t stand the thought of spreading food particles around my home. I washed my hands to the point they were bone dry and split and oozing fluid. Water touching my hands used to sting. I would never eat or drink off anybody. I used to wash blankets if anyone sneezed on them. It’s just complete madness and your wife will go insane like I did. I’m not anywhere how I used to be but I’m still a deeply miserable and messed up person. I feel I only exist in life and feel completely empty with barely any emotion.

Lots of understanding and sympathetic posts about the wife here, wouldnt be the same if this was a husband with OCD and asking his wife to get out of the house due to germs and worry.

I feel awful for you. You were fixing her bike!!!
As others have said, she needs to see a doctor about her OCD. I bet this isn’t the first time she has done something like this. How does she cope with the children getting dirty? How does she change a dirty nappy? Bet she wears gloves for that. I also bet the children don’t get dirty…. She needs help. Has she always been like this? Before kids? Before you got married?

Well no of course YANBU but she’s plainly very unwell. I hope you can access help for her.

I would think contamination OCD.

Crisis team. Children are at risk witnessing this; so you need their intervention.

A bit over the top?

I am so sorry you went through this, and that to an extent you still are. It is very good of you to post about it to try and help the OP.

I'm a bit concerned that lots of people seem to be diagnosing OCD. I 'm not terribly comfortable with people saying this on such little info.

Whatever it is, she is clearly very unwell and needs intervention. As for you, op, you cannot go on like this. Please do whatever you can to get her help. I'm really worried that she might slip into psychosis.

She can be assessed in person by a professional who actually knows what they are talking about. And if anyone who is assessed is found to be likely to be a danger her/himself or others, they can be detained under the MH Act.

Does she have a diagnosis of something like OCD or PPD? Her behaviour is quite frankly incredibly over the top and I think you need to stand up to your wife because the things she's saying are ridiculous in fact if she does this frequently to you borderline abusive.

Have you got any idea how difficult it is for someone to be sectioned? Do you work in this sector? I do, someone with this level of symptom would not be sectioned. Lots of people are at risk of hurting themselves and others but are not sectioned.

And I say again, if the sexes were reversed posters would satisfy themselves with just saying LTB and he's a twat, prick, dick, abusive etc etc. No one could care less if this behaviour was formed out of MH issues.

The children are not safe with her. She is crazy.

I know this must be so difficult and you are a very loyal and considerate husband. However, please don't leave the children with her. I'm pretty sure there was a tv show which featured a person who had contamination OCD and ended up pouring hot water onto their children to 'cleanse them' and obviously it didn't end well. Whilst I really hope that wouldn't happen, her behaviour is very extreme and could escalate.
Please please call a mental health professional for support but don't leave the house. (Unless you are leaving with the children. )

I agree, Mumsnet is a toxic place for men asking for help, no matter how they phrase it they’re always seen as the problem on here. DadsNet needs more marketing.

However that isn’t what this thread is about so don’t turn it into that. OP has received some good advice and his wife is getting support (right now as evident from OPs last reply).

Let’s hope times change and men can hopefully use this site to ask for help and support in the same way childless women can. Just because the site is called Mumsnet, doesn’t mean it’s purely for mothers, everyone should be allowed to same support, advice and unless proven otherwise, their post acknowledged as truth.

Hi OP I’ve just read your other threads and seen the escalation.

I think her OCD has now grown in to abusive behaviour to you and you children - as she is effectively stopping them from seeing you.

Honestly if this was my DD or a girlfriend I was talking to I’d contact your family, let them know you need help and go and take the kids there for a while.

Her illness and is ostracising you from your children and they need protecting. I wouldn’t ever leave them because don’t fool yourself she wouldn’t ever turn her focus on to the cleanliness and making them jump through hoops too eventually. They are not allowed to socialise - that’s abuse.

Reach out to your family and build bridges and go seek a family solicitor for temporary child arrangement order whilst she seeks therapy. Then move out with them.

I agree, this (the episode today) does not meet the threshold for sectioning. I have known people who have been sectioned and a lot more evidence needs to be compiled.

I agree with the advice upthread to keep a diary. Op says he's been "assaulted" by his wife when he doesn't comply, that would be something to log including the trigger.

Op you didn't answer the suggestion of a trusted family member, is there one you could invite to stay over?

Your wife is a controlling abusive asshole.

Get your kids out of there and get rid of her.