AIBU to think I shouldn't be kicked out of my home and forced into a hotel for the night

[Herbatnikdip]

35M here.

I have put a number of posts on mumsnet asking for some more objective clarity on some the disagreements between myself and my wife.

Today is a more minor one than previously. These kind of debates have in some ways defined our three year marriage.

My wife (38F and successful high achieving professional) is not letting me into the private spaces of our home or touching my kids because earlier today I tried to fix her bike without gloves.

I got a small amount of grease on my hands. I have washed it off and clipped my nails, see pictures attached.

Currently my wife is insisting that I stay in a hotel tonight and that I cant spend time with or touch my children (daughter 21 months or daughter 7 months) because she is worried about the risk of contamination from the grease harming them. Also we had plans to make some Ikea furniture which needs to be postponed for the same reason. No amount of washing/ cleaning will convince her that I am safe.She thinks she is an educated professional who googled grease which is harmful if ingested or swallowed by children.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that its unreasonable that I should be kicked out of my home and not allowed to see my children because of this?

Maybe she should be sectioned under the mental health act if you think your children are at risk. I think you need professional advice. She is obviously very unwell.

Is it more you went to touch the children with dirty hands, you’ve rowed and she has booked a hotel for you all to calm down?

How does she explain the need for you to leave? What’s the purpose?

My Dad did stupid things like spray WD40 in the house and my Mum was the sensible one protecting our breathing etc.. as your children are susceptible babies I wonder how your wife sees things..that’s not clear from your post.

How is your wife managing to be a high achieving professional?

You haven't read the other threads have you?

This has gone on for years. They can't go on holiday, eat out, can't accept gifts, couldn't have a Christmas tree up, eat Christmas dinner, use the fridge. He's been banned from cooking, banned from cleaning, he's lost his friends and parents over this.

She is very unwell, needs help, and the kids need to be away from her at the moment, however much she loves them.

Oh gosh I'm sorry. Your wife is deeply unwell, your first duty is to protect your children. You need to be in the house with them

OP, I will report myself to delete it if you don't want this linked, but I think it'll give posters a bit more context. Given you mentioned that you've posted before, I hope it's ok.

Please read this first guys.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5473832-im-close-to-giving-up-with-second-child-on-the-way-is-there-any-hope?reply=149786259

You need to protect your children.

I think your wife has a MH problem. Do not leave and see that she gets some help

I haven’t read the previous threads. You are doing your children no favours by going along with her delusions. I think you need to take decisive action now to make some real changes. Please call the police if she hits you again.

She needs professional help. This is not normal OP. She has had two children incredibly close together and she is probably having some sort of postpartum disorder. Sending love. Hope she gets the help she needs

Absolutely your wife is unreasonable, although I do notice your youngest is only 7mths and if your wife is not normally like this could she have some post partum depression/ anxiety?

Read the other threads. This was going on before she was even pregnant with her first.

Yes, lithium grease is highly toxic to babies if swallowed, inhaled, or left on their skin. It is an industrial chemical compound primarily made of petroleum-based oils, chemical additives, and a lithium soap thickener. Because babies have small bodies and developing systems, even tiny amounts can cause serious medical emergencies. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
🚨 What to Do in an Emergency

• If swallowed: Do not induce vomiting. Inducing vomiting can force the hydrocarbons into their lungs, causing a fatal lung condition called aspiration pneumonia. Call Poison Control or emergency services immediately. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
• If on the skin: Wash the area thoroughly with warm water and mild dish soap to break down the grease. Check for skin irritation or chemical burns. 1, 2]
• If in the eyes: Flush the eyes with clean, lukewarm water for at least 15 minutes and seek immediate medical care

Was it this OP? Which you remove with solvents like WD40?

Edited to add that I hadn’t read all of the update and I now have. I’ve left my original post up because I still think it can have some relevance.

However, with the hindsight of having fully read things, you may need to be more heavy handed with this. Her assaulting you is never ok, and this is a massive problem. You might need support from professional bodies and I hope other posters and point you in the direction.

My original comment is still below:
You know it is unreasonable, but she isn’t being a dick, she clearly has a mental health condition (perhaps OCD but we will never know without her seeing a specialist).

You need to help her to realise she needs to get help. Go with her to the GP to support her and make sure she knows that you are there to help her. To her this not an irrational fear, she just needs help in working out what is and isn’t irrational, just know that she may not want to hear it from you, I didn’t.

I’m writing this as an OCD sufferer (not germs) who has finally got it under control, and I can tell you that the last thing I wanted in the past was to be made to feel irrational or insane, I just needed someone to be there for me while I was experiencing the extremes and to listen and be patient. Just make sure she knows that you don’t think she is being unreasonable intentionally, and that to her it is perfectly logical. It’s not about who is right or wrong, it’s about helping her find a way to see through it all.

I would potentially start by telling her that you would be willing to stay in a hotel, but you don’t feel like it is necessary. Then asking her what she needs you to do in order to feel comfortable. Can she create a process for you today that allows her to be ok, eg if you wash your hands twice and put all of your clothes in the laundry, then let her also wash them for you. It may not help, but you never know, for me I wanted to see a path through when I was stuck, and this could help her create the path.

Good grief.

please don’t let your kids grow up like this. It’s so damaging. I would call social services or 111 and say she’s having a crisis and you need help.
Call the kids health visitor tomorrow too.

Op, you need to call the police next time she assaults you. This is only going to get worse and you need to have these things logged. It could escalate to the point where you’re too ‘contaminated’ to see the kids at all. It wouldn’t hurt to have a wake up call from the police to remind her that her reaction to these instances are absolutely not a normal response.

She may be unwell and in need of help, but that doesn’t stop her behaviour towards you from being abusive.

You need to take the kids and leave this abuser.

Don’t post AI rubbish @Anyahyacinth no one has been feeding this stuff to babies…

Please let Health Visitor and Social Services know, the children are at risk of mental harm from your wife, this is very sad and I'm wishing you the best of luck with an awful situation.

You need to step up and look after your dc. She's abusive, if the sexes were reversed everyone here would be saying ltb, and that's what you need to do.

You are in an abusive relationship.

You need to go home (if you're at the hotel) and be with the children, she sounds very very ill and may not be safe to be alone with them - it's plausible that she could hurt them trying to protect them from imaginary threats.

If she assaults you, I'm afraid you need to call the police. Every time. She's refusing to engage with mental health services, it may be that she needs to have no choice and be sectioned, but to get to that point you need outside services to see the extent of her behaviour. Hiding it isn't helping her.

If you read it..it clearly says if it gets onto babies skin.

If I had a partner with issues around contamination ..this isn’t something I would have done. The hotel part may simply be a cooling off after an argument

And yet you allowed yourself to be "rushed" into marriage and managed to procreate twice with her in this time?

Also you must stop wasting time on this stuff. You don’t need to cut your nails and show anyone photos. Has she brain washed you that much into thinking this is even slightly reasonable? She seems to have worn you down. I would not leave her with the kids alone under any circumstance. I would let social services know. What it she thinks they are contaminated. I’d be terrified of what she could do because she isn’t thinking normally. She clearly is very unwell.

Refuse to go along with that plan... she needs to talk to someone its way over the top.
Is tbis the first time this has happened.