AIBU to think I shouldn't be kicked out of my home and forced into a hotel for the night

[Herbatnikdip]

35M here.

I have put a number of posts on mumsnet asking for some more objective clarity on some the disagreements between myself and my wife.

Today is a more minor one than previously. These kind of debates have in some ways defined our three year marriage.

My wife (38F and successful high achieving professional) is not letting me into the private spaces of our home or touching my kids because earlier today I tried to fix her bike without gloves.

I got a small amount of grease on my hands. I have washed it off and clipped my nails, see pictures attached.

Currently my wife is insisting that I stay in a hotel tonight and that I cant spend time with or touch my children (daughter 21 months or daughter 7 months) because she is worried about the risk of contamination from the grease harming them. Also we had plans to make some Ikea furniture which needs to be postponed for the same reason. No amount of washing/ cleaning will convince her that I am safe.She thinks she is an educated professional who googled grease which is harmful if ingested or swallowed by children.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that its unreasonable that I should be kicked out of my home and not allowed to see my children because of this?

She needs help. I hope you’re not actually going to go along with this madness.

This issue so clearly related to OCD, OP. Your wife needs help and support.

She needs to see a psychiatrist, this is very much not ok

Take your children and get them out of there! She sounds insane and needs urgent help. She should not be in charge of very young children.

Grease can be a problem on sensitive skin but if you have washed/scrubbed) your hands and they are visibly clean it should be fine.
Your DW is a bit over the top, I feel. Is she ok with you touching the children generally or do you get the feeling she doesn’t like it at all.

I agree with others, if this is as you portray it, then she really needs urgent help. I definitely wouldn't leave the house or the children.

To add — I couldn’t see the photos when I posted. Your hands look very clean.

She’s ill, but I suspect it’s going to be difficult to get her to accept that. She needs professional help for OCD. Do not go along with her demands, don’t reinforce her behaviour. It’s painful for her but she has to accept that you can be in the house and that’s ok no one will be harmed.

YANBU @Herbatnikdip Your wife is ill.

I hope you can help her get the help she needs and that her illness doesn’t have too bad an effect on your DC.

Good luck

This screams OCD.

Don't leave, op. Insist that she speak to other people, for example her own mum, to get her to see that she's being disproportionate.

Fwiw I know two different mothers who are like this. For one, in started in pregnancy, for the other, it started when the first baby was born. So many examples I could give about their bonkers health anxiety/germphobia decisions, it would be funny if it wasn't heartbreaking for the kids.

I think all new mums are a bit like this, especially after a difficult pregnancy/birth, but most see reason after a year or so. Edit - I'm including myself in that

Yep OCD was my first thought.

Do you have a community MH line you can call?

But don’t leave. You can’t leave the children with her whilst she cannot think rationally.

Your wife is mentally ill - this sounds like contamination OCD.

When did this start?

Had she sought help for mental health before?

To answer your question, no she can't do that.

A bit‽ She’s being abusive.

Agree with everyone else that she’s unwell and needs help but you shouldn’t be going anywhere tonight.

OP, I've just seen some of your other threads and it sounds like your DW has been terrified of any kind of contamination for years, not even letting you kiss your own baby and showering her if you ever did. Her behaviour is absolutely not normal and must be seriously affecting family life. I wouldn't be surprised if your DC end up with mental health issues if they grow up around this.

You even said she booked your wedding before you were even engaged! She seems to be very controlling as well as having potential OCD.

She clearly needs serious help. Would she be open to that? If not, I would seriously consider divorce and trying to give your poor DC some kind of normality.

Sounds like post natal depression to me, manefesting as OCD. Can you speak to a health visitor/get one to come to the house and talk to your DW? Because she sounds very unwell.

Thank you all. Like I said this is more minor than what has gone previously. She has refused all help, been discharged 4 times from perinatal mental health in our region for either not acknowledging the problem or simply not turning up to sessions. She takes it as extreme betrayal when I have gone to authorities about her obsessions and behaviour.

She tends to get her way a lot, tonight she has booked the hotel for me for instance. I am angry with myself for going along with its, but if I don't obey her she tends to scream, assault me (with children present) and has called the police to try and get me to leave (on another occasion when I visited a recycling centre.) I genuinely struggle to walk the line between not enabling her and minimising harm to the kids,

She is very unwell. Your poor kids - they will be affected by this behaviour. Who else can speak to her to get through to her how unreasonable her reaction is - best friend, mum, sister?

Can you invite a family member such as a grandparent to stay and arbitrate some of these discussions? Someone whose opinion she values?

I think some of these issues get much worse with isolation, like we saw in the pandemic. If other people, who love her and the children, are seen to agree with you, that might help

You can not leave the kids alone with her!

Just because she’s booked a hotel doesn’t rmean you go to it?! That is enabling her and putting the kids at risk.

How did the police react, @Herbatnikdip? If she won't accept help, you are putting your kids and yourself at risk of harm by being around her.

Have you kept a record and evidence of the behaviour?

Ok, do I've read your other threats as well and what strikes me is that you after probably only tolerating this because (a) your faith means that marriage is a lifelong commitment in all but the most extreme circumstances to you, (b) you still love her, just not her behaviour (c) you are scared to lose the kids.

I understand. I have a Christian faith myself and regard my marriage in the same way. But your primary duty here is to protect your children. At the moment they are tiny and may not notice, but effort that are loving with your wife and she is not recieving treatment (successfully recieving treatment that is), they are at risk from irreparable harm. At the moment it's you that faces the brunt of her OCD and anger. Soon it'll be the children. Can you imagine never being allowed friends, or parties, or presents, or to go out, play in the park, socialise. How will she cope when they go to school? Or will she home school plus ban outside clubs? Your children will grow in an isolation which humanity wasn't designed for.

That doesn't mean you need to divorce your wife, but in reality you may need to live apart for a while with you having custody of the kids, and hey boosting your, until she is well. Because at the moment she sounds incredibly mentally unwell, and until that is under control, she's not safe to parent them alone. I suspect the courts will back you in this.

And it may be that in doing the right thing for your children that she divorces you. At the last, steam be very very angry for a long time, until hey symptoms are under control. Hopefully then she'll understand why you did what you did.

But the kids can't be allowed to grow up in this environment. It'll be a miserable childhood for them.

Just get back into your house. She has a problem which needs handling, and kicking you out of the house is not the solution. She has no right.