6year old humper

[Cherry85]

Our DS (6) has always been a humper (teddies not legs lol) it started as a toddler and the nursery reassured us it wasnt in anyway sexual and is a stress/comfort thing similar to thumb sucking.

They advised us to tell him as it involved private parts to do it in private but not to shame it.

Fast forward 3 years and he is still at it. He had stopped but has started again after going back to school - trying to find out if anything is going on but he says not.

We did have an issue after summer as he was coming and asking if he could go to his room to do it and we felt us actively saying yes was encouraging it, so told him he didnt have to ask and he could just go to his room when he wanted.

DH is having a harder time separating the act and it being sexual and thinks its weird and we should be telling him to stop. He backs down every time I tell him what school/nursery said but still thinks its weird.

The problem we have now is he does it for AGES. We got home at 4 this afternoon and he was doing it for 45 mins, had dinner, went to swimming lessons and then was right back at it when we got home! I found myself suggesting he stop before daddy comes home which probably isnt right but I can't face another fight. After I realised what I said, I changed it to 'stop when daddy comes home so you can play the switch together.

I'm sort of struggling with where to go next as do agree he can't be doing it all the time. Do I set a time limit?!

He’s 6, surely telling him to stop is proportional? You don’t have to be horrible about it but you aren’t doing him any favours by letting him do this

It does sound like it's taking up a disproportionate amount of his time!

Could you say it's a bed time only thing and give him other things to do to fill his time eg lego? Board games?

I think it’s fine to tell him to stop a behavior that is annoying and anti social. Why wouldn’t you??? I don’t understand why you think it’s not an option to be blunt and clear about it. I tell my ds off for things like running in the house, shouting, squealing. It’s bloody annoying and disturbs everyone! Does he have some sort of other comfort thing- is that why he’s doing it? And why you feel you can’t say stop?

I wouldn't say this is developmently usual, I think you've been given poor advice. I would change tact, tell him he's not to do it anymore, keep him in your sight to wean him off it, sooner rather than later.

I’d ignore the advice of the nursery aswell tbh. They’re not psychologists and that was years ago. He’s 6 now!

It doesn't sound like he's annoying or disturbing anyone though?

Yes it does, the dad for one

I would ask a HV or GP, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of this as a soothing mechanism. The problem you have is that he’s done this for so long it’s going to be hard for you to get him to stop - I don’t think it’s one of those things he will grow out of.

It can be a soothing mechanism, essentially he has found something that feels nice and that he enjoys, but the fact he is spending 45 minutes doing it and then is straight back to it after activities would for me personally make me want a professional opinion.

I think you’ve built a “don’t worry” response from the nursery into a mantra. Of course he doesn’t need to spend large parts of the day masturbating. It’s highly unusual and will make play dates and sleepovers extremely problematic. I think your husband has a better handle on this, perhaps get him to help you plan how to change things?

I agree the nursery staff have limited education. Im sure in some other countries nursery staff have to have a degree in child developmemt/psychology but in this country they dont have that knowledge.

I th8nk you would habe been better off nipping this in the bud years ago, yes he might have felt slight shame, but itd have a chsnce to stop and he wouldnt remember conversations.

Now hes older, you've let it become normal and its not going be as easy for you to stop him.

I agree with your husband its weird and needs attempting stopping like any other anti social conduct. Its our job as parents to try and raise them to not do weird things like this.

Messy now isnt it... but I agree with your dh and I think ybvu taking a nursery staff words as though factual as if theyre highly educated to guide you...and using this to overule your dh all these years - hes the parent too and allowed his say and youve not allowed him to intervene, he deserves a massive apology from you - nursery staff are on just a little more than minimum wage as its not a high education requirements, not sure why youve held onto their "advice" all these years...

So yeah i think ybvu on this.

I’ve worked on loads of nurseries over the years and the nonsense that staff come out with is staggering and you repeatedly telling your husband that these nursery workers have said it’s OK, three years ago, is also staggering.

It’s not sexual in the way that he was three but everyone knows that rubbing your penis, feels good and that is what he is doing and that is why he is doing it.

You have compared it with sucking his thumb. Would you try to stop him sucking his thumb at six because it’s not socially acceptable?

It’s not the best use of a five year olds time, an hour and a half in his room mastrubating.

Anyway, I came on to the thread because my own dd did used to do this when she was two but stopped after about six weeks.

I've never heard of anything like that. My mind is boggling!

Tell him he's a big boy now, most don't play teddies at his age.

Wow, no. This was maybe okay to tactically ignore at 2, it is not okay for him to be doing I the ways you describe at all at 6. You need professional advice (not from nursery staff with no qualifications on minimum wage!) and you will probably need to pay for this.

In the interim I'd be limiting it to 'when you're in bed', as in when he is going to sleep at night or when he wakes in the morning. It is absolutely not normal for a 6yo to be going off to his bedroom for nearly an hour to masturbate.

2 things going on here.

Yes it a normal developmental stage and yes masturbation is normal. It shouldn’t be shamed and you do teach that it’s a private thing.

However.

I think now it’s become a habit and soothing thing. He doesn’t know what else to do with his time because this activity is giving him the most feedback.

So you need to change your routine. After swimming for example get him to unpack his bag and suggest a board game. Something that involves his hands. When he’s watching TV give him fidget toys to emulate that feeling of using his hands. (Which he’ll get from holding his teddy)

It's going to be a case of reteaching him alternative ways of self soothing and entertainment.

He may still (likely will!) donor when he goes to bed. But that’s an appropriate time.

So the nursery workers weren’t completely wrong I just think the message and reason as have got lost in translation

Good post from @itsgettingweird X