Is it normal for an eight-year-old to resist going out with any family?

[OnlyUsername]

We are incredibly lucky that both sets of grandparents are retired and can cover the school holidays (I work mornings). DH and I do also take time off - we went on holiday at half term so no childcare needed at all.

However, DS is now 8 and a lot of the activities both sets used to do like feeding animals at the farm, National Trust places, going out for cake even are met with whinging and strops. He doesn't want to go anywhere. He will play a board game or watch athletics with my dad and there are no games consoles over there so it isn't screen-related. My parents have him this week and I know they are going stir crazy; they have managed to get him to the park to play football with some effort.

I'm getting quite irritable with him now - even getting him to the library with us is a pain but when we get there he is happy as Larry.

Is this a normal stage? If it's likely to continue then he's going to football camp in October to give grandparents a break.

He probably needs a playmate? Are there any other kids around his age near his grandparents, or cousins maybe? Although obviously that puts more pressure on your parents so not the best idea. Football camp next year is probably the best solution. My son did a similar thing in the summer holidays but he was, I think, 10 when he started. He's 50 now so it was a long time ago!

What is he doing though when staying in?
Building Lego?
Crafts?
Reading?
Maybe he is happier doing indoor things.

Maybe he would prefer to be home. Children need down time if he's always out with the grandparents i don't blame him being grumpy.

My 8yo is happy going out in the holidays but we tend to do more active things at this age - trampoline park, Go Ape, theme parks, immersive shows, hands-on craft workshops at museums etc. We never bring a play mate but she has a younger sibling. She also likes activity camps some weeks, which she does even if I'm not working, as she gets to see friends there and does things like put on a show or a week of art projects.

Those things sound quite boring, if I’m honest. Good for a 3/4 year old, but maybe less so for an 8 year old. What would he actually enjoy doing? Mine would like a beach day or the swimming pool or cycling or some sort of play structure or soft play/trampoline park.

Mine both resist days with MIL though (not that they happen often) because she’s not very fun or engaging! Last time she looked after them for a few hours while Dh and I did something, they spent 3 hours sitting at our kitchen table looking through the world atlas. 😂 My 13 year old said, I’ve never been so bored in my life!

8 year olds don’t get a choice (at least within reason you can allow some autonomy but this post demonstrates why dc need boundaries) you say we are going out at x time, don’t enter into discussion

Agree that "feeding animals at the farm, National Trust places" sounds more appealing for preschool to maybe 5/6 year old age groups than 8yo. Going to a NT property with your grandparents, maybe as a one-off, okay. But would need to be balanced by more aimed at an 8yo boy activities like a trampoline park or arcade or swimming pool.

You need more interesting places to go to. Where would he like to go?

My 11yo never wants to go out. He probably didnt when he was little either but he was more portable back then.

I think its fairly common. No solutions but lots of empathy from me

My eight year old wouldn’t be happy going around national trust places but would enjoy going for a cake! Is there anything more age appropriate like swimming baths or arcade club nearby? He sounds like he needs someone his own age to play around with, would he be allowed to take a friend to the park or feed the animals?

My 9yo actually does like national trust places, at least then ones with woodland walk and playground, not so much the old buildings. But realistically, he'd only want to do that once or twice over the holidays. Zoo's, museums, swimming, rock climbing, rivers/beaches, trampolines or bigger softplay all still seem to appeal.

I write a timetable of what we're doing at the beginning of the holidays (mainly based on where i have passes or find discounts for), and they've always accepted "we're doing X today" insted of "what would you like to do?"

I think you need to be more clear about what the issue is.

Is it that he wants to stay in your house? Could they mind him there? Could they just be around at yours while he plays with his toys and games or has a friend over?

What is he like with you? What does he do without moaning? Why can't they replicate that?

Mine were / are always happy to do the things you talk about and wouldn't find a trip to feed animals boring. I don't either and I'm nearly 50! So it isn't an age thing.

To answer a few bits - they're looking after him in our town but both live 4 hours away. Can't really explain how this works but they have a shared base here. However like us, the parents of his three best friends are all working so they're in holiday clubs (and I can't ask my mum and dad to look after another 8 year old 9-6).

They have actually both taken him on holiday for a few days separately but that was end of July/start of August. So that was beach/theme park/pool. They chose the dates so I do think maybe all the exciting stuff got a bit front-loaded in the holidays.

At home he likes gaming (especially with us, on the Wii), reading, a bit of Lego and playing football in the garden. But 2-3 weeks of that is a bit much when you're the adults looking after him. Mum and dad suggested a lake where you hire rowing boats and do an obstacle course which he loved last year - no interest this year.

What does he do without moaning? Not a lot. He has school obviously and football training once a week, match once a week plus swimming. As I said we have to frogmarch him out on weekends.

I don't know, I feel a bit stupid now. I'm just sad that I would have jumped at the chance of all these fun things to do at his age but I had to go to my granddad's and go to Morrisons or queue for his pension in the Post Office. They won't be around forever, nor will he need looking after in the holidays for much longer, and he can go 2-3 months without seeing them.

What does he want to do?
Whenever we look after our eight year old grandson we pretty much take the view that if he's happy, we're happy.
Dog walks and essential chores are baked in. After that he pretty much calls the shots.
His preferences include; card games, board games, Disney movies and Roblox.
Edited to add, fun outdoor stuff isn't always so appealing when your fun outdoor companion is your Granny.

Do they have him all day or just the mornings whilst you’re at work?

My DS can be a bit like this. He had a massive strop about going to the library last week. We went in the car, so were only out 30 mins or so. He is happy to do things he finds fun e.g. swimming, mini golf.

Is there anything he might be interested in that might motivate him? My DS has a watch that counts steps and that motivates him to walk more. I've not done it, but there are various apps for geocaching etc, although might be a bit much for grandparents.

I don't know, I feel a bit stupid now. I'm just sad that I would have jumped at the chance of all these fun things to do at his age but I had to go to my granddad's and go to Morrisons or queue for his pension in the Post Office. They won't be around forever, nor will he need looking after in the holidays for much longer, and he can go 2-3 months without seeing them.

Well maybe they should just take him to Morrisons and the Post Office. Frame it in the "we are going and you are coming with us" type way. He might moan but he won't feel it's some thing they are only doing for his benefit. Then they can ask him (if so inclined) if he wants to do his choice of activity after they've done their shopping? And if he doens't want to do anything else at least they've got out of the house and done something useful.

Are they likely to join in feeding th animals or are they likely to buy him feed and watch him do it?

I think this is the age where they want a social aspect to experiences and are aware if the other person is only doing it for them. It's hard to be the only child in a group doing childish things, pressure to enjoy it, like he's their entertainment. Are there things they can genuinely do together, like mini golf? He might even enjoy going along with them doing normal things. What does DS like? What do your parents like to do?

I agree that at age 8 he needs other kids to make those activities fun, even with loving and engaged grandparents. My DS aged 9 doesn’t generally like holiday camps but has now got to the point where he would rather go to one than not if his big brother isn’t going to be around to hang out with.

Summer camp! 🏕️

To be honest my nine year old wouldn’t want to spend more than the very odd day by herself with her grandparents. It’s not that she doesn’t care about them, it’s just it’s much less desirable for her than seeing her friends, and she doesn’t always want to go along with their habits and routines. She also much prefers it if they look after her in our own house, where she can wander about and do her own thing.

If you can afford camps and your DS would be happy to go with his friends then I’d book him in. I also find a mix can work - so could he spend three days one week at camp, and then two with grandparents.

This. 8 years old should do what they’re told and not throw their weight around

Of course.
But you can't tell them they've got to enjoy it.
And you can't tell them they have to pretend it's fun to make you feel good.

Well, they can either suck it up and stay home and let him play in the garden/do Lego or whatever

Or

They can take him out. But it's not really fair for the grandparents to project THEIR needs onto your kid.

He's probably way overstimulated with all the bloody soft play/trampoline/national trust shit tbh and just wants a break

But if the 8 year old is being told that they must go to an activity that is meant to be fun and that no one else would go to otherwise and they don't want to go to said activity, then what actually is the point? Pick your battles.

"I don't want to go to school" - Tough, non negotiable
"I don't want to go to my swimming lessons" - Tough, we've paid for the term and it's important you learn to swim
"I don't want to go to a farm and feed the animals when I'm going to be the only child and no one else would be going there otherwise" - what benefit is there in insisting? Just go somewhere else