Struggling with my 17-year-old with autism and ADHD. What support is there?
I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar, particularly with an older teenager with autism and ADHD.
My son is 17. He is very bright and technically capable and was studying A levels in Physics, Maths, Computing and Electronics, but stopped attending college. We are now trying to find alternatives such as an apprenticeship, but he says he doesn't want to work or go to college.
The problem is that he seems to have very little understanding of consequences. He stays up gaming until around 4 am and, if we don't wake him, will sleep until 3 pm. He turns alarms off and goes back to sleep. He's very good with technology, so internet restrictions don't really work as he finds ways around them.
We're currently getting him up for work experience, but he's horrible to us in the mornings, shouting and screaming because he's tired. He's already been late twice and missed another day. He doesn't seem to understand or care that if he behaves like this in an apprenticeship or job, eventually he'll lose it. If we don't intervene, though, he simply won't get up.
His mood is also very up and down and he generally refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do. Everything feels like a battle. He's had a lot of support over the years and there's a strange mismatch between how capable he can be when he wants something and how much support he needs with everyday life.
His ADHD is effectively untreated because he cannot swallow tablets. He chews them, hates the taste and refuses them. We've been through medication reviews but haven't found a workable alternative.
We're also really worried about an online relationship. He's talking to an 18-year-old girl he hasn't yet met but is desperate to meet. He's talking about moving in with her and having a baby and has already bought things for her. Only a few months ago he told us he was gay and had a sort of boyfriend at college. We have absolutely no issue with his sexuality, but I feel he's still working out who he is and what relationships mean to him.
Our biggest fear is that he doesn't understand the consequences of having a child. He doesn't understand money properly and seems to think we'll continue paying for things even if he moves out. We're worried about his vulnerability, including the possibility of being manipulated financially or into making decisions about pregnancy that he doesn't understand. Simply forbidding him from meeting her also worries me because he's capable enough to arrange it himself.
I feel we've reached the point where we need outside help. He's nearly an adult, but currently needs us to make sure he gets up and attends things while simultaneously becoming increasingly resistant to us doing so. I can't see how this is sustainable.
Has anyone been in a similar position with an autistic/ADHD teenager approaching 18? What actually helped? Were there any NHS, social care, SEND, transition-to-adulthood or other services that genuinely helped your family?
I'm particularly interested in practical advice about what you do when a 17-year-old simply refuses to engage. You can't physically make them get out of bed, go to college or work, but equally I can't just accept him staying at home gaming all night and sleeping all day.
At the moment we feel rather stuck and aren't sure where to turn.