Awaiting ADHD assessments and struggling to cope with family life

[Feelingcrazy123]

Myself and our son are awaiting ADHD assessments. Things are crazy at the moment, they have been for a while

this might be a long ramble so I’m sorry in advance

my brain is non stop 24/7 swirling whirling and never ever quite or calm. Ever,

om trying my best, I really am but I feel like I’m failing. I don’t know how to
cope with than chaotic loud life we live.
son (6) and daughter (2) are beautiful little souls but both chaotic and loud. Husband is great and very hands on but he doesn’t get my brain, I don’t get my own brain so how can I expect him to?

I get very very little time for myself anymore. I don’t feel like I get a break, I need a break - I wanna run away but obviously I can’t

we’ve had only family day in the 4 weeks of summer so far due to various reasons but everyday I’ve been off ( work 3 days and taken annual leave too) I’ve had the kids out or done something with them

i Just feel like I’m not enough as a mother or a wife

I feel so bad because I can’t cope with the level of noise, constant need, constant touching, constant organising, constant admin,

I love my kids and husband but k just never feel like I’m enough

How do you think a diagnosis will improve things? Presumably you’ll both try medication?

Yes I want medication for myself but not necessarily for our son at this point, I want o see if I can cope better if that will help him more. We are trying absolutely everything at the moment to help him but my brain feels like it’s going to explode all day every day

have you both just gone on the waiting list?

Adhd Mum here. To be really truthful a diagnosis won’t change anything materially. It will provide information.
If you can access medication that may help. But what also helps calm my thoughts is - walking, eating well and prioritizing protein and my adhd is worse when I eat junk and sugary carbs.
Use your phone to write appointments in the calender or to set reminders. I often have reminders if appointments too.
You need to start talking kindly to yourself. If something gets forgotten it is rarely the end of the world. And try to simplify life as much as possible.
Having less stuff and clearer surfaces helps - easier said than done.
Also a rotation of meals so that you know what’s coming next.
Take a deep breath, promise to be kind to yourself and just carry on. It’s all we can do.

Tell your husband you need some time to yourself. Go out for the day and get some fresh air and exercise. I recommend either the coast if you can find somewhere quiet, the woods or forest or somewhere near moving water. The holidays are hard. I’m medicated and still struggling but I’m a single parent with nobody to have my ASD and ADHD son so I can’t get any time to myself at all until he goes back to school.
I second the advice about good food, rest ans exercise and I’d advise that for your son too. My Ds is awful if he eats junk. Sweeteners are the worst for him but he has no issues with sugar. Colourings and preservatives are also terrible for him. He’s just started medication and I’m prioritising homemade meals with enough protein as much as possible to help with that.
No caffeine, no alcohol allowed on the meds which isn’t a bad thing for me. I didn’t have them anyway due to palpitations and anxiety. Both have eased now on medication.
It sounds like you are burnt out so you need a break. Get your husband to run the ship for a couple of days and go somewhere by yourself if you can.

Similar situation here. What has helped me has been to let go of my vision of what 'perfect' family life is going to look like. I've accepted that family life for us is just going to look very different. I try to simplify stress points (like getting out out of the house) and minimise commitments. I'm more relaxed about screen time than most parents, and I use that time to ignore the kids and recharge my batteries. I'm trying to teach them to meditate, which isn't really going well but at least makes me laugh! We have 'tidy up time' every morning and evening for 10 minutes but I try hard not to stress about the mess in the house between those times.

I pick one thing at a time and work on it, to try to minimise the mental overload of having a hundred tabs open in my brain at once. I've written them down on cue cards so I don't have to keep them on my brain... things like 'tidy kitchen', 'read with kids', 'play game with kids', 'clean bathroom'. They don't always get done when they should but that's ok.

One thing I've done is try to identify the things which are causing us stress and work out systems to reduce the stress. So swimming lessons... the kids have specific towels for swimming now and these are washed together with the swimsuits and go in the swimming bags on the hooks next to the door, as soon as they're dry. Goggles stay in the swimming bags. So no more hunting in drawers and cupboards for towels and swimsuits. Changing beds...the spare sheets, duvet cover and pillowcases for each bed are put into a pillowcase and put in a box under that bed once they're dry. So I don't have to hunt around in the cupboard for duvet covers etc. Schoolbag and nursery bag are unpacked and repacked as soon as we get in the door after pick up and hung up in the hallway ready for the next morning, and clean uniform for the next day located and chucked in a box in the hall.

With ADHD, 'out of sight, out of mind' is a big thing, so it's worth giving some thought to how you can ensure things are 'in sight' so you remember to deal with them when you have the opportunity. Things like cleaning the bathroom while the kids are in the bath and you're sat in the bathroom with them (make sure you have everything you need upstairs to do this). Or putting a box for clean laundry outside the bathroom door so you can use that time to fold it. ADHD brains tend to like 'cheats' and gentle time pressure so 'double using' the time usually works for it. Similarly, I find it motivating to work against the clock when I'm making a hot drink and the kettle is on... so I challenge myself to tidy or hoover the kitchen, or wipe the surfaces and clean the hob in the time it takes the kettle to boil.

I don't know if any of this helps. Honestly, if you feel like you're going to explode, just lie down on the sofa and give your kids a huge cuddle and forget everything else. It releases oxytocin, which reduces stress and helps reset everyone. Good for you and them.

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