Handling body shaming comment by daughter about herself

[Whoddathoughtit]

Long time poster, name change so I don’t out my daughters private details

I have a 14 year old daughter who, for context, is a size 8. She has a huge issue with her self image, she is convinced she is ‘fat’, manly, weird shape, weird feet, too veiny, too pale etc etc etc you get the idea she doesn’t like literally anything about her appearance.

i maybe haven’t realised how serious this has been for her for a while until the last few months where it’s really peaked and she’s very vocal about it, she talk alot about anything and everything about her appearance in a negative way.

she finally went through the door yesterday of a counsellors room and had an hours session which she seemed pleased with when she came out and agreed to go again

i like to think im a good listener and I have an active interest is most things mental health related however i am really struggling with how to resound to her constant criticism of herself and alot of the time I say things like ‘you don’t see what i see about you’ she clearly feels unheard and it’s almost like I’m conspiring against her or tricking her as she’s so convinced she has all these awful things about her which everyone sees. Boys at school have said some awful things to her and I know they’ve said stuff to other girls in her year which is some of the root cause and also has given her an evidence loop of what she things about herself.

i guess my question is has anyone had experience of this and how did you handle it at home. I sometimes feel quite exasperated by it tbh, the constant negativity, but most importantly of course is how I best support her

I remember being a teen and feeling so awful about my body. Often there’d be something that sparked off the feelings - particularly like reading Cosmo or similar. It might be worth trying to gently get her to talk about what has triggered a feeling on any day - like comments by the boys. Then to talk about what’s behind it. To get her to think about male perception of women and view it through a feminist lens. To get her to think a bit about what’s she’s viewing on social media and whether some things just make her feel worse about herself. She might be able to understand and avoid her triggers a bit more.

Don't argue with her, you can say something neutral, respond non-verbally or have a chat and ask your DD how she'd like you to respond. Let the therapist do their work, hopefully this will improve in time.

What is it about her body that she doesn’t like given that she’s clearly not overweight if she’s a size 8. Would she join a gym OP? Or could you run together or take up martial arts or a sport? Regular exercise will make her stronger and more body confident.

I would also tell her how normal it is to feel that way as a teenager, and how it'll change as she gets older.

And I agree with @Aviarythebird about approaching it from a feminist perspective too

thanks for responding everyone

my daughter has inherited my pretty strong feminist views but you make a good point about talking about male views on women’s body’s, the risk here is I’m pretty confident she will take that as more evidence than I’m telling her she does not have a feminine appearance and I’m just trying to make her feel better about that, it’s very deep rooted 💔

she goes to the gym about once a week and plays football, unfortunately for her in way her sibling is a proper sporty person and is naturally fitter and better at the sport they both play, which of course I work with her to try and emphasise her other valuable traits but could probably do with upping this element more.

I feel selfish for saying this but I feel quite worn down right now, I’m a single parent with a demanding job (not asking for sympathy on that) and am struggling to find the capacity at times to constantly have a solid response in the locker. I’m far from a lazy or absent parent I’m just out of my depth with this a bit and I guess thinking I should be able to ‘fix it’ for her

Don’t feed her negativity with over-reassuring or immediately contradicting her statements. It accidentally teaches her that negative comments trigger an instant wave of high-energy attention and that self-deprecation is a guaranteed shortcut to validation and affection.

What is she accessing on social media and YouTube? Teach her how to do a social media ‘cull’ whereby she deletes, unfollows, silences or mutes any accounts that make her feel rubbish. When I tried to get my dd to remove those types of accounts, she used to argue with me that she needed to watch fitness and make-up channels so she could “turn her ugly into pretty”. Eventually she saw sense and it made her feel so much better afterwards.

My DD is a bit older than yours, but has been through this over the past few years.

She is also slim and fit, but would find things she was unhappy about (she was too "boxy" shaped, her thighs were too big, forehead too big etc etc).

Aside from telling her that her forehead was a perfectly normal size (which deep down she knew anyway!) I asked her what she thought was wrong with the perceived "negatives" eg, "what's wrong with freckles? X has freckles, do you not like them?" and of course she would say "no, X looks amazing". So it kind of forced her to think about the thing she was insecure about from a different angle and to recognise that there's actually nothing wrong with having freckles, smaller boobs or whatever is it she thought was bad. And of course we had the "everyone is different and has different things they're insecure about, but it doesn't mean they're bad" conversations.

So I guess for us it was less about saying "you're not XYZ", which kind of suggests that XYZ is a bad thing to be, but more about embracing that we are the way we are, and that those aren't bad things anyway.

Not sure if I've explained that well! But good luck, it can be draining and there were definitely days I had to just shut the conversation down, as I felt that she just wanted to moan almost for the sake of it iyswim!

It doesn't help that my DD hasn't had a boyfriend, as I think this so the root cause of most of her insecurities - she feels if she looked a particular way, boys would be interested. I have had to point out that girls who also don't have the "ideal" features have boyfriends, so it's not about that at all. It's slowly sinking in and she's happier with herself now than she has been for a while.

Please teach her the power of critical thinking. If boys at school have said awful things to her, say: Stop and think a minute. He said that? How would you describe that sort of comment? Get her to list the things it is and isn't. Is it kind/cruel? Respectful/scornful? Aimed to make the receiver feel good or rubbish about herself?

Then how does she judge him for such comments? Might she feel a bit scornful and judgemental against someone who is actively trying to make another, perfectly nice person, feel shit about themselves? Might she lose any respect for him, if she had any in the first place? And if she has no respect at all for the kind of person who says that kind of thing, then he can say what he likes, because she only values the opinions of people who love and respect her.

Empower her to practise thinking this way, until she is the judge, maybe silently, maybe openly, of any bitchy girls, cruel boys. Keep practising until she really believes it. And equally, teach her self compassion, self care, self acceptance, self love.

Help her think about her body holistically. It was not put on this planet to be walking porn for hopeless losers. It is there to house her personality, to keep her fit and strong to do the things she loves to do - enable her to play music or sport or make art or clothes or sing - whatever her interests are - her hands, eyes, legs, feet are all part of that wonderful body enabling her to do things she enjoys.

There's quite a lot of power in the not-giving-a fuck/let them attitude, where you take a step back, judge the attitudes of others and select a very few people who you recognise are truly on your side. The sneering, bitching crowds at school - even if they are the majority, can sink in their swamps, because they don't matter at all. Only people who deserve her respect and affection get it.

Can you talk to her counsellor and/or another professional to get some advice? I have body dysmorphia (not saying your daughter has per se) and it’s incredibly hard and also incredibly hard for people to say things to me which I don’t misinterpret.

IMO - also be truthful (ish), eg if someone objectively did have very stick out ears just saying ‘no you don’t’ Is probably not helpful.

Some good advice above. Have you also thought of contacting the head of PSHE at school? If the boys are saying things like this in school, they should be aware and try to combat it. (Said as a teacher, so don't say "oh, another things for schools to do- this is important).

i do try and get her off her phone and actually you’ve reminded me I’ve got slack on not letting her have it in her room for bedtime over the summer holidays

Thank you that’s some great advice and perspective
yep, the boyfriend thing is a biggy for her too, her friends have boyfriends which I have to say don’t seem to treat them very well but all the same she would really like validation from a boy to pay her some attention and as much as I can say that 14 year old boys aren’t the right place to look for level headed feedback or anything I do get it, at her age you just want others to tell you you’re acceptable and it doesn’t cut it coming from your mum

I have been thinking about getting in touch with the school on that, there’s lots of incidences I hear her talking about where boys in her year are mean to girls and also some older boys were creepy and intimidating to some of her friends a while ago.
tbh I wouldn’t contact them for support for my daughter directly, she would never speak to me again for a start and they are useless with that kind of stuff

I’m not sure what you mean here?
if for example she is pointing out the veins on her feet I’ll say yeah look you can see mine too, I think everyone has that. I don’t dismiss her but when she says she ‘fat’ I say it shouldn’t matter if you were but factually you aren’t anyhow

Also the school did a big sit down talk with all the boys a few months ago about their views on girls / women but that was kind of a one off as far as I can tell
honestly shocks me the things I hear off her that have happened to her friends too, not just mean words but one girls boyfriend throws stones at her when she sees him at school and she still doesn’t finish it with him, just lots of disrespect.
my son is in the year below and he says nobody in his year acts like that towards girls but admittedly he is a very nice boy with nice friends so maybe he doesn’t see it