High needs baby and struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel

[slizzyy]

I have a 3yo and an 8mo. My eldest was such a chilled out baby. I got told my baby's classed as a 'high needs' baby. Only naps when either being held or rocked back and forth in their pushchair, hates being put down, screams at the top of their lungs, goes from 0 to 100 real fast, hates loud noises, can't sleep independently (I have to hold them for about 20 minutes at night before transferring them into their cot), etc.

I've been struggling to make sense of it. I've thought of every 'trick' in the book. I've tried babywearing, white noise, putting their pushchair near a door of another room I'm in so they can see me, holding them upright on my chest, laying down on the floor with them, etc. Nothing seems to be keeping them happy or content.

The past week has felt like 'fight or flight' mode for me. I've had to walk away for a few minutes to calm down when the crying has got too much, I've cried with them, felt worthless, hopeless, useless, etc. I've wanted it all to stop.

I tried reaching out to people that I thought I could rely on for help. I was kidding myself to think that anyone cared. My mind feels like it's drowning.

You have all my sympathy.

If you have any mental energy left at all, have a look at the book that saved my sanity when my fourth DC arrived in our lives like a little tornado. 'The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your High Needs Baby from Birth to (iirc) Five' by William and Martha Sears.

DC4 was a very intense baby and toddler - cried incessantly, woke at the drop of a pin, didn't sleep except on me, didn't sleep through the night until age 2.5. Everything and nothing set her off - muzak and lights in the supermarket, dog next door barking, older siblings laughing, and she had spells where she seemed to be just burning off energy by crying. As a toddler, she was very stubborn. Settled down by the time she went to school, but the first week was memorable for the screeching and carrying on when I dropped her off. She did not go to nursery / daycare as I was a SAHM. I do not think she would have settled in an environment like that at all.

She had (and still has to some extent) CMPA but I knew to look out for that as all my older DCs had it too, so she wasn't exposed to CMP (I went off all dairy while pg and breastfeeding).

I'm sorry the support you need isn't there for you. I felt incredibly lonely as a mother trying to deal with the stress and the exhaustion, all the neverending demands from everyone (siblings were 8, 5, and 3 so needed me), and the sheer hopelessness. H was so irritated by her that I did not feel she would be safe in his 'care'. The side of him that I saw during that period is a big part of the reason I don't say DH and why he's now exH.

Back when I had DC4 there was no internet as it exists now, but maybe there's some Facebook group or other online community you could find company in.

MN might be a good place too.

Do the local council run baby groups? My local city does, and they have health visitors and nursery nurses who run them. They are very good on advice, but sometimes they just hold the baby while you weep into a cup of tea!

"I got told my baby's classed as a 'high needs' baby" - out of interest who told you this? I honestly don't think your baby sounds that unusual. Some babies just hate being a baby, mine did. She has transformed since she can speak and walk. I don't think you can 'make sense' of it.
Are you getting a break? Is your partner (if you have one) doing their fair share of everything? Could you look at getting them into nursery soon? I'd really look at what you can do to help yourself feel better, rather than focusing on trying to fix the baby. I have found parenting about a thousand times easier since I went back to work, is that coming up soon? Could you look at co-sleeping rather than having to hold / put in the cot? At that age you could get a floor bed in their room, mine has slept so much better since we did that.
Are you getting out and about? Mine hated being at home but was much happier out and about, we went to loads of church playgroups as they're usually free or very cheap and so loud, noone cares if your baby cries. Helped me so much to chat to others and see everyone was struggling!