Potty training 3yo

[JustAnotherWhinger]

Looking for any hints and tips

Trying the potty training pants to get them used the feeling of being wet to see if that helps make the connection between wet and weeing. (tried the bare bottom method in May for three weeks and got nowhere).

I’m not really sure if there’s things that should be done different with an older child (3.5 - previously I’ve dealt with much younger kids).

Not really interested in being bribed so the usual buttons don’t work.

And before anyone starts about being too old - this is a child who lost their mummy, had to move home and other disruptions in their life in the last 12 months so this is the first real clear chance I’ve had to do it.

I think the pull up pants really just feel like a nappy and don't help.

Try just knickers/pants, they feel horrid wet/dirty. Lots can change in a matter of months so don't be disheartened that it didn't work in May.

Is there anything they find particularly motivating?

And do you think they are connecting/registering the feeling of weeing with needing to go to the toilet yet? Are they aware but just don't want to go to the toilet?

It sounds like this child has been through a lot and potty training is one of the major ways in which children can act out/ try to enact control over their lives ( and over their caregivers).

sorry I didn’t explain that well. They’re not pull up pants. They’re essentially pants with a plastic outside - so they feel like normal pants but don’t have puddles everywhere.

I don’t think they are connecting the needing a wee with the toilet. They do connect it with needing pants as they ask to come out the shower for clean pants. So it’s trying to change that link from pants to toilet and I’m not sure the best way to do it

They have been through a lot, that’s why my mentioned that as it’s not as simple as lazy parents or nobody bothering.

@JustAnotherWhinger I hope you don’t get horrible replies. I know the pants you mean - like this here my dd had the ladybird ones; ds had the penguin.

I think be prepared to think you’re making no progress and be ready to give up and then suddenly they get it. And it’s very normal for poos to take much longer than wees; my dd trained very easily at two and a half for wee but still will only poo in a nappy (night) not ideal but I haven’t a blessed clue what to do about it!

Bare-bottomed much better than any type of pants. Any pants can trigger the muscle memory of automatic peeing. Don’t take them to the potty at intervals – it interferes with their ability to recognise the need to go. Watch like a hawk for signs they need to go and then get them to potty, or when they begin to wet themselves get to potty. Yes there will be some thrills and spills.

stage 1: bare-bottomed until they have mastered getting to potty
stage 2: loose bottoms but no underwear until they have mastered getting to potty
stage 3: underwear.

Go back a step when they have accidents. I recommend ‘Oh Crap’.

Thing is - I’ve potty trained 6 kids. I know how to potty train generally.

I’ve had to tweak methods before for mine as they’re all so different, but I’ve tried everything I’ve done so far and none of it seems to be working.

I’m after any tips folks tried with older/more reluctant kids.

and I guess any success stories of older children. It’s just full of gloom everywhere that there’s going to be long term issues because of missed windows and no noticing of signs

I don’t like Oh Crap anyway but I would never, ever suggest this for a child dealing with trauma, ever.

Dd1 just didn’t get it until 4.5, she’s autistic though, never did feel she needed to go so trained to the clock, dd2 got it at 2.5 on the first day. Dc vary when they “get it” I did bribe though in the end once she understood money!

Given the history, you might need to do a very softly softly approach.

Is it possible for them to watch you on the toilet (appreciate if this is a foster situation that wouldn’t be appropriate) that can help them build the connections.

Perhaps try playing potties and helping dolly go to the potty.

I would also take all pressure off, perhaps using these pant and nappy pants so they can use the toilet if they want.

make it a much of a non issue as you can.

Also check out the ERIC website. They might have some good resources for this scenario. It was great for my child who had a period of withholding.

Hi OP , Bribery!!! I’ve potty trained two , one with Autism and it is without doubt the fastest least traumatic way for all involved , both mine were three when I started , it took about seven days , sat them on the toilet with child seat , never used a potty it’s messy and just an extra step .

I gave them an iPad while sat on the toilet while they watched toileting cartoons , songs etc. When they did a wee or a poo they got a chocolate buttoon, then got off the toilet . I did this roughly every hour and a half . It worked brilliantly after day two they were running to the toilet by themselves doing their business and demanding a chocolate button . They were dry day and night after that week , I feel this was pure luck and also they were just ready . Good luck ❤️

How does the child feel about potty training? Are they able to express their feelings/understanding?

At 3.5 years old you're getting towards just being able to reason with them about toilet training. If they're ND and capable of this kind of conversation I would engage them in their own potty training, get to make some suggestions/explain why they're not going in the toilet.

If you're also dealing with ND or a developmental delay then I'd consider leaving it a little longer.

So, I haven't done potty training at this age, but my son's big motivator at almost three is things being inconvenient. He will comply just to get things out of the way. So it's a big motivator for him to sit and do something if it will get me off his back and let him get on with the fun stuff.

So if you can bear it, I'd do bare bum again for a couple of days so that you can pick up his pee cues, then talk about "I can see you need to pee, let's stop playing, sit on the potty etc".

Basically make life as dull as possible whilst he tries, and big rewards and fun when he succeeds!

My son trained for wees at 3.5 and has - Lord be praised - finally just got poos on the loo at 4.5. For wees after trying the whole bare bum thing leading to severe withholding then backing right off, I just one day said, we’re doing wees on the loo, you can have a sweetie for every wee but tbh I think it was less the bribe and more for some reason it was just the right moment when he was feeling a bit less resistant for whatever reason. Preceded by months and months of trying other stuff, witholding etc. Same for poos, tried loads of stuff, endless refusal and dancing around needing a poo but refusing to go, then one day said ‘why don’t you sit on the loo for a bit, you can have a sweetie’ and he just did it. I know you’ve said bribes don’t work - they didn’t with mine until one day they did and tbh I think it was less that the bribe worked and more that it allowed him to save face/back down from his position. I think with older children where they’re usually more than capable physically it’s more of a mind game about biding your time and trying various things and being prepared to be knocked back. In both instances it was during a preschool holiday when we both had a bit more headspace. Good luck, it’s tough.

We potty trained DS at 3 and a half. He had a speech delay (may have other SEN not sure yet). We just went straight into pants and dealt with the extra washing. Bribed, bribed, bribed for wees with chocolate and letting him wee on a colour changing sticker and let him watch my phone to do a poo (it was the only way!). At that age we didn't really need a potty as well just went straight in the loo. He took a while to get it and had some accidents when he started school at just four but can't see any long term issues now!