Mum guilt

[Tonival]

Looking for advice on my mental health please, I’m suffering from severe mum guilt, sadness, anger, dark and intrusive thoughts, my 11year old daughter suffer from panic attacks which she overcame in 2024, she got really close to a group of girls 3 of them she was very close and one she kinda clashed with but we’re still friends, she always want to be with them play dates, sleepovers but all was one to one then in the Easter holidays I was having them all(big mistake) the girl she clashed with was constantly at me and DH about my daughter that she was being mean, hitting her, leaving her out etc to which I was constantly telling my daughter off then I came to a head when DD had a meltdown screaming and shouting at me told me she wanted to harm herself, well I freaked out had a meltdown myself, I took her phone blocked there numbers I also remove myself from the sleepover group chat (why I don’t know honestly wasn’t thinking straight she was trying to get my phone to message the mums, I don’t really know them I do have individual chats) anyway so had to tell the girls they would need to go home none of this happened in front of them they maybe overheard what was being said and shouting and crying so understand they may be upset but seems fine when they left, so anyway next day my husband spoke to two of the mums and they never really said anything one was really empathetic about my daughter, I got her to write them a letter apologising well the all just ghosted her so we contacted the parents to see if anything could be sorted, ghosted by them all parents and the girls, school has been terrible for her, ignoring her, running away from her school has done nothing, so since then her panic is back very severe, we are getting some help and being super positive and doing lots of nice things but can only imagine what she is thinking, but I have really bad guilt about how I treated her I should have had her back as I think this wee girl wanted her out the group, I feel so guilty that she has no friends spent all summer with me it’s her last year of primary and want her settled for high school it’s consuming my thoughts that I did this to her I should have been calmer I just never thought kids could be so cruel even just reply to the message with an explanation they don’t need to be friends anymore, also spoke to one of the mums last week and she said it was all my fault my behaviour that night, I did get upset but not with the girls this all happened within 5 mins and they were away there is more detail if anyone wants more

You both sound like hard work and no wonder both the parents and your daughter have ghosted you after such a terrible display of behaviour on both your parts infront of other children in your home

Hi,

take action and then you can tell your thoughts that you are working to make things better .

take responsibility and then you can make a change .

you would benefit from some therapy to learn to emotionally regulate . Then once you have learned you can pass on your skills to your daughter .

no doubt you have not been taught these skills as a child by your parents and need to trench yourself as an adult.

people avoid those who blow up and are reactive. It usually looks like anger and aggression to observers.

you were the adult in the situation, the others were children.

goodluck op and hopefully this can be the turn around for you.

Your post is difficult to read. You got upset and started crying and shouting during a sleepover you were hosting for your eleven year old’s friends because one of the guests said your daughter was mistreating her and hitting her, whereupon your daughter had a meltdown, and you threw out all the visiting children and blocked them on your daughter’s phone, and now she has no friends?

No my daughter had the meltdown I think it was all too much for her and then I was constantly taking the other girls side I was no way having a meltdown with the girls in the house I was very upset at my daughter telling me she wanted to kill herself, I’m looking for advice as never been in this situation I’m very aware of my behaviour as why posting for help

You said you had a meltdown too:

'DD had a meltdown screaming and shouting at me told me she wanted to harm herself, well I freaked out had a meltdown myself,'

This may all be anxiety based but has anyone suggested that you and/or your daughter might be autistic? Autism and anxiety/OCD/intrusive thoughts are highly comorbid, there also seems to be a lot of friendship issues, having melt downs and struggling with emotional regulation. In children the social issues caused by ASD often seem to become more obvious just before starting secondary school when the emotional maturity gap starts to widen between them and their peers.

I think it's definitely worth considering OP and often isn't picked up by teachers in high functioning kids. DS wasn't picked up till the end of Primary and even then only because his teacher went on a course.

I think that's certainly worth pursuing. Literally every one of my female friends who was diagnosed in adulthood pursued a diagnosis only because either their child or their husband got one, and they thought 'Oh, that might be me, presenting a bit differently.'

And yes, OP, you referred to your own meltdown in your first post. You and your daughter both sound as if you struggle with emotional regulation, intrusive thoughts, lashing out, relationships.

Thank you I wouldn’t know where to start I am an anxious person, I am quite reserved, introvert this is the only incident me and my daughter have had never grew up with any confrontation or anger so this is why I’m struggling and not sure why I reacted and asking how I should have reacted and dealt with the situation I was just thrown off guard as never seen or heard her like this, so really struggled with what to do, this is not how we are it’s been a one off I wouldn’t say we were hard work nobody’s perfect and made a mistake just looking on what to do if this was to happen again