Daughter’s university relationship has fallen apart and she is devastated

[whishwhish]

My daughter is at university. She has lived with the same group of people from the start. She's just finished her second year and in the last 6 months a friendship with a boy in the house has become romantic. She has been the happiest I've ever known her i the last two years. Just loving all aspects of her life. However, one housemate tried to force himself on her 6 months ago and also she had a termination 2 weeks ago. On Saturday she did a terrible thing and after work got very drunk and went home with someone else. All her lovely life has blown up in her face. It's her fault but she's absolutely devastated. She's lost her lovely bf and potentially all their mutual friends. I am v disabled and anxious and I feel so scared and upset too. I don't know how to cope with any of it. I am hoping someone has a similar story that improved from this point and where someone was forgiven

It was not a lovely life if a housemate raped her? Get her back home with you. The sooner she leaves that dysfunctional group the better I suspect.

I absolutely hear you re this. He didn't get v far and no rape occurred. He tried to when she was alseep and left the house the next day and has never returned. Her friends rallied round her as did her family of course. I suppose I mentioned it because I know she has been through a great deal this year.

I would urge her to get in touch with university counselling services if I were you. She's going through a lot, only a bit is self inflicted. She sounds like she's struggling to cope a bit to go and get drunk and go home with someone else. It's very much something I would have done at her age if I was overwhelmed.

It will be ok. She will make new friends, some of the mutuals may well come around eventually, people move on to the next drama. She just needs to give them time to get over themselves.

It does all seem devastating now and I'm sure there's a whole bunch of self pity in there too, but things will work out. She just needs to accept that she had behaved dreadfully and get herself some help to move forward. That's all she can do. She will grow up big time. All the best.

@WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma Thank you so much for such a kind message. She is appalled at herself, but your response is so thoughtful. Thank you xx

It’s really horrible seeing words like own fault, self inflicted and bad behaviour. She’s young, everyone makes mistakes and young students are very prone indeed to doing things they later regret. Often those things are much more consequential than what happened here. On top of that, someone tried to rape her, which is very traumatic even if he didn’t get far. This poor girl needs support, not blame. If my mum had said that things like this were my fault, I’d have been even more devastated than I was already, and would have felt quite betrayed.

@FictionalCharacter Thank you so much. This is exactly what I think. She's been under so much pressure and is such a lovely, happy person usually. She's at home now being comforted. She knows what she did is wrong, but I feel so sad knowing the context for her,and how hard it has all been. I hope so much her friends see it too

Well, presumably the lovely bf was the one who got her pregnant.
Was he there for her during the decision making and post abortion?
No idea whether the drinking was connected to that or not but I will say you cannot legally consent when drunk so whoever she went off with is a wrong 'un (unless both drunk, even so, neither can consent legally).
I once snogged a bloke in front of my bf when I was completely pissed (uni). He forgave me as I had not got the foggiest what I was doing at the time and he got me home safely.
So it might be that the bf comes round especially if the alcohol was a trauma response to the abortion.
All she can do now is put it behind her and also check for STIs if no condom was used and hope she is not pregnant. No lecture but she needs to keep herself safer. Where were her girl friends in this?

She sounds overwhelmed, nearly raped and then going through a termination (presumably this was her boyfriends? Perhaps she needs some reminders about contraception?) Her head is no doubt all over the place which can lead to doing stupid things. Just be there for her, she will get over it eventually and maybe her relationship with the boyfriend will recover, they’re willing to forgive a lot at that age.

When your child is deeply unhappy it is very very difficult- I am living through this now.
Try to encourage her to get some therapy for the abortion and the sexual assault.
She may need to come home for a period.
She can suspend her studies and return to university later to continue. But she needs to go through the correct channels.
As a parent also take care of yourself. Take time to calm your nervous system, do enjoyable things. It’s still on to laugh and have fun. It’s a balance. But try to reserve some emotional energy for yourself.

Don't have a similar story OP and my children are still young but just wanted to say you're doing a wonderful job being there for her and supporting her. You obviously are a very supportive and loving parent for your daughter to even open up about her assault and abortion in the first place, many many young people would never tell their parents. Perhaps you could suggest some counselling for her (but don't push it if she's not willing). Is this something that universities offer? Or maybe she needs a break from her studies. She is so young, she made a mistake and its all part of growing up I'm afraid. Just be there for her like you are doing, and I'm sure she will get through this.

Yes! None of this is her 'fault'! The 'worst' thing she's done is the classic youthful inexperience thing of starting a romantic relationship with someone in her house share/friendship group, which almost always go sour at some point -- and might have even if she broke up with him, or vice versa. She's clearly also had some significant traumas (someone trying to rape you in your sleep in your own bed is horrifying!), and will need lots of support to recover.

I would encourage her to think of sleeping with someone else as a pretty normal facet of student relationships, rather than some terrible act. I'm somewhat taken aback at you using the term 'terrible' -- nothing she's done is at all terrible. A youthful indiscretion in a relationship of a few months.

Your poor dd, she has been through a lot in the last few months. Has she made a poor choice, yes but she is trying to work through a lot of things. Her friends should stick by her or they really aren't friends worth having. She is at an age where mistakes are going to made.

Thank you - younare all being so kind and reassuring. We are exploring counselling for when she goes back, which she is determined to do and her v close friends are being lovely. it's so hard to see them suffer. I am sorry @Ritaskitchen that you are experiencing this toox

Bless her, she has been going through a lot. She made a drunken mistake, something most of use have done when young. Now she's home, encourage her to meet up with friends and keep busy. She'll be ok, she just needs some time and some tlc from mum 💐