Difficulty spending time with my child at home

[Star1983]

I have a lovely 8 year old daughter who is my world. Myself & my daughter’s father are long since separated but have a good relationship & she sees him regularly. I would have dearly loved another child but sadly I am unable to for medical reasons. I’ve (mostly) made my peace with this but I feel terrible for my daughter.
The reason for this post is that I’m sad to say that I find it incredibly difficult to spend time at home with my daughter. I think I have always overcompensated for her lack of sibling by ‘creating’ lots of entertainment in the form of play dates, movie nights, baking, crafts etc. as a result my daughter hasn’t been left to her own devices & seems incapable of playing independently. Even 2 or 3 hours in the house seems torturous as she follows me around, asking what she can do next & if friends can come over. Occasionally she will read for 10 mins or so but generally wants me by her side all of the time. It only really stops if I allow her a screen which isn’t what I always want to resort to.
She’s a loving, well adjusted & sociable child & I’m so grateful to have her but honestly I feel drained when spending time with her in our home. Any advice gratefully received.

No advice but just to try to make you feel better about your situation (lack of sibling) I have two girls (9 and 7) and they both do this too! Both would rather follow me around than play with each other. Could have written your post, just times two. Solidarity.

Thanks! Exhausting isn’t it! I love her & want to spend time with her, but it’d be nice if it didn’t always feel like a hostage situation!!x

Hmm.. I would set her to work (dusting, sweeping, clothes folding). She'll soon think of something better to do and if not, at least it's useful

Can't you just involve her in whatever you're doing? I find my children suddenly are able to entertain themselves to avoid getting roped in to helping with chores!

This -

Give her the choice between helping you with whatever you are doing or playing by herself..

I do this with my son, and about half the time he plays by himself, and half the time he chooses to help - either way, its a good outcome.

Completely understand, as I have one DC and felt like this. They started a sports hobby at 11 and that takes up a lot of time and she has made great friendships there.

It isn't too late to train her.
eg Get her to do painting, and tell her you'll be back in 5, or 10, or 15 minutes, and pop back, praise and go off again. Gradually increase the length of time you leave for.
Make a list if activities she can do on her own e.g.:
reading
craft
lego
puzzles
sewing
swingball
piano
basic cooking (?)
and introduce a 'on my own' slot in the day.

Throw money at the problem - buy her some of these kits from a department store like crystal growing, crocheting, making designs from beads you melt in the oven into shapes, flower pressing. Don’t feel too bad, it is a sign of how much time and energy you’ve invested in entertaining her and a testament to how engaged you are as a parent.

I have an only child too, and (sadly) the most effective thing I have found is giving three options: help me with house work, we read together, or you play by yourself. The 'threat' of having to do reading and suddenly he finds something better to do.

She needs to know that you are a person with needs just as important as her own, and sometimes you need space to do the things you like to do, and that this doesnt mean in any way that you love her any less.

I'm doing xxx now, please go and find something to do on your own.

I'd like a little space for a cup of tea right now, i'm exhausted and need some me time.

I need to complete xxx task, and you are preventing me by getting in my way. Please go and amuse yourself.

I am busy and unavailable to you til 6pm, please leave me alone until then.

All these should be perfectly acceptable things to say.

Start practicing now and stick with it. Expect her to amuse herself, screen free, every single day for a period of time. It'll be really uncomfortable for both of you for a bit but its much better for her to learn this now, especially as an only.

And yes, if she can't think of anything to do, give her a chore. Not as punishment just as a suggestion if she cant figure it out for herself.

I wouldn't use these exact phrases myself as they sound a bit cold and business-like somehow (sorry, don't mean that as a criticism - I guess we are all different and speak differently).

But I would communicate to her that while you love her more than life itself, you also need some space, for both practical and mental health reasons. She is old enough to grasp both.

And as a PP said, invest in some stuff she likes (craft or whatever she is into) and maybe help her in the first instance by making a list of stuff she can do alone.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I roo felt this frustration when DD was small - she wanted to play endless imaginative role play games where I would have to be a cormorant or something wierd like that, and even when me and her dad were together she never wanted to do it with him, only me, and it drove me mad sometimes. But not she is a teenager I feel an almost physically painful nostalgia for those days! It's funny, the things you can miss that you don't expect to.......

I’m an only child and I very happily played by myself. I think this is because my parents largely just ignored me. I don’t think this is because she’s an only child but because you have been too available. I have 2 and they don’t play with each other (large age gap), but they are very good at entertaining themselves.

I think you have to be firm about being busy. It’s an important boundary to recognise for children. I agree with helping you with housework or doing homework or quietly reading or she can find something to do. Does she have stuff to do? Mine could bounce for hours on the trampoline at that age. Does she have local friends who could come over? Also screen time, if it’s tv not a phone or tablet, is fine. My youngest often sits and plays with the tv on in the background, but it gives him a chance to sit down and decompress a bit.

The choice of language was deliberate as it reflects the reality of how I feel or what I'm actually doing at that moment... its never shouted or said unkindly.

Honestly I feel talking like this to children builds their resilience. We are sometimes tired and need a break and that exists at the same time as their being loved unconditionally. It teaches them what I am feeling inside myself and forces them to recognise it and act accordingly.

I wouldn't ever say I need a break for mental health reasons... no way do I want to make my child responsible for my mental health!!

I guess the OP can find her own words but I think what I'm trying to say is those words should centre the OP herself... so that her girl can learn to be considerate of other peoples time and space, which is especially important for an only child to learn.