How to be there for teenagers when you're simultaneously furious with their selfishness & unkindness?

[BreezedriftingOnBy]

Single parent, 2 teens. Any advice welcome! I know there's lots of acting out, end of school year exhaustion, friend stresses etc..... but the younger one behaviour at the minute is vile. I can see the hurt and uncertainty that's underneath, but the cruelty in things they are saying is taking my breath away. I've had a really tough year with illness and job stresses (leading to money stress) which they objectively know but seems to add fuel to the fire when they're irate 'always going on about money'/'never do anything ' (im working to the point of exhaustion to pay the bills) etc.... I alternate between coming down strongly but I can see them crumbling inside when I do, it doesn't seem to get the right message across (you can't treat people like this) instead just seems to hear you don't count/ you're awful/ you're a horrible person... and keeps the cycle going. When it's just me I can explain more clearly and walk away , but they are saying the same things to their older sibling who has gone from being tolerant of it to explicitly saying they hate them and won't be around them. Any advice from those navigating this please share x

So for you to be able to deal with this, calmly and rationally- you need to be as calm as possible.

This is difficult, because you clearly have a lot of issues to worry about. But to that end….if you can get help from others …sleepovers etc then take it. It gives a break from the relentless attacks coming your way. It means you’re more well rested when they come back and have to deal with the behaviour.

Also, when they are being disrespectful, you have to cut off from them and not engage in conversation. Tell them they can talk to you about their worries when they are calm and prepared to be respectful. Take a hard line in this. Don’t get dragged into screaming matches. Invest in a pair of ear plugs. Take yourself out for walk if it doesn’t stop.

This is harder than it sounds, it’s teaching them from the ground up: how to act and hold a conversation, even when emotional.