Is it a problem if my nine-year-old thinks about gaming constantly?

[Indecisivelurcher]

Tldr: is it a problem that my 9 year old spends a lot of time thinking and talking about Nintendo switch games?

I've got in a bit of a knot with my son about his Nintendo switch. He's just over 9. We got given a switch for our family when he was 8, to play things together. But my son loves it the most! And now had his own games. He's allowed 1 hour Sat, Sun and another hour in the week. The problem isn't the time itself, it's how much head space gaming takes up even when he's not on it.

He chats on about it constantly. Listens to podcasts about characters. He lives in hope that someone will suggest family switch time so he'll get extra time. Tried to wheedle extra time.

He's a bright kid, into his science etc, he's described to me that he knows the his dopamine receptors are being filled and why it's addictive. He's described to me that gaming is occupying his mind when he's in class or doing something else. He says part of him wishes he wasn't thinking about it. But then he loves it. His friends have similar interests and get more screen time. They play playground games based on gaming. When they get together they do a lot of gaming.

I will add he's always fallen fast and hard into topics. But previously they've been non screen based interests to do with science or history. I feel like these are more socially acceptable but then I think am I being snobby in some way! Is there really anything wrong? Or is this just like that?

When we go away he's perfectly fine without the switch. When we come back he's just on about it all the time again.

I really don't know if I'm overthinking this, or if this is an issue. If we just carry on with these limits. Or change something.

Yes I do think you have a problem. He is only 9. Can you look for out of school activities like cubs/ chess club/ sport/ drama that can distract him and develop other skills?

He does lots! Swimming lessons, a musical instrument. Cubs which is immense and he does loads with. He did a language club after school, learnt to play chess. I try to draw with the kids quite often, they read lots, we get magazines, we go to the library. I've been trying to do lots with him in case he needs more scaffolding. My eldest child does their own thing more. He's not into sports but has done table tennis and cricket clubs after school willingly enough.

I don't know. We're stricter than you on screen time but my DS10 is just obsessed with Minecraft. He'll read books, play games, make Minecraft Lego stuff (not sets, just using random Lego and turn it into Minecraft stuff), buy magazines. He gets about 40 mins a day on holiday and wouldn't play it every day kn school days as he does karate and other activities and we're just strict about mid week gaming.

Not sure it's a problem though. He just loves it.

Sounds like he is experiencing a wide range of activities.
It’s good that you have put limits on gaming. Maybe you could set limits on talking about it too and encourage other topics of interest.

I don't think it's a problem, it's perfectly normal. I used to play sonic at his age and when a bit older crash bandicoot. It's not a new phenomenon. As long as he's got other interests which you say he has it's fine! My son 8 plays Minecraft with his friends online and his cousin, he doesn't play alone and it's quite good problem solving skills. There's only an issue if they game all day and aren't taken out, kids need fresh air and exercise but an hour or 2 a day on computer is not a problem.

Well my nine year old will happily talk about, and read about, Minecraft for ages. Can spend the entire walk to school telling me all about what he is building. Has lots of Minecraft books he reads, and Minecraft t shirts he wears. So I’d say it’s pretty normal. As long as he’s not actually in front of the screen all the time, I don’t think ita necessarily a problem. I can think of adult men who occupy most of their leisure time taking about, thinking about, reading about and podcast listening to football. This is just the nine year old equivalent

He’s definitely at that age where all his buddies talk about gaming, play with gaming influencing them, have gaming birthday parties. It’s great that he’s smart and that you’ve got a cap on it.
It is something he obviously loves and as long as you’re not getting tantrums about it then I’d treat it as an interest. Now if he’s still like it as a hormonal teen and flipping out when his mates get more screen time then you might have a problem. You sound like you’ve got a lid on it. Keep talking about other stuff too.

I think it’s ok. What about playing games with him on the switch. There are some amazing games and playing as a family or even just with your Mum is a lot less intense than if he’s playing with other gamers. My kids were bought up with Nintendo systems right from gameboys to the N64 onwards. We still get together for MarioParty nights (plus other) even though they have all left home and the youngest is 30.
What games is he playing, some a much more addictive than others. I allowed an hour a day but I was strict with it, I also never allowed first person shooters. I made sure I knew what all the different games were like. they did loads of sport and other activities so I wasn’t worried about that hour a day.
Some games are just incredible and it’s hard to not obsess about them. I still remember playing the original Super Mario 64. It’s was brilliant and is still brilliant.

I’d say it’s normal at that age. My son is the same and all his school friends. They all talk about Minecraft and Mario games.
I think as long as they do other activities then there’s nothing wrong with enjoying games.

Thanks guys, this has been really helpful!

The podcasts are the bit of this that strike me as unusual. Personally I'd knock that on the head, because as you say, he thinks about it enough without that addition. And what games is he playing at 9 that have podcasts about them.. I'm obviously missing something there, don't tell my DS about that 🤣

Things which have helped us/friends:
make sure he is achieving stuff outside the switch that you can praise him for. Sounds like there is plenty, so that he sees himself and his achievements as well rounded rather than entirely switch based.
(In my experience) be careful about denigrating the switch too much or refusing to listen when he wants to talk. We didn't do our son (10) any good with that because there was a big clash between what he enjoyed and loved doing, but he felt ashamed of that enjoyment because we largely refused to listen much / refused to share his fun or praise him much about it.
Don't let play dates be entirely screen based, kick them off it to do other things as well.
And keep doing all the other stuff like eat together, read together, go out together etc that you're probably already doing.

HTH, I share the struggle!!

@AllotmentTime thanks for your sound advice! The podcasts are on Spotify which I gave him on an mp4 player for things like history podcasts, and he's caught me out by finding gaming ones that also show game play.

Mine is like this, similar age, similar restrictions, wide range of other interests/hobbies (instrument, 2 sports, swimming, cubs). Will draw characters, chat about them, today spent 3 hours running round the park reinacting a sonic game. Hes autistic though, so when he goes all in on something, he really goes all in 😵‍💫

Yes you have a problem, and the solution is for the entire family to go cold turkey.

Unplug the Switch and put it away. Remove access to the podcasts.

Get your child into real life activities.

I’ve found this really helpful as I have a similar 9yo. He also is out and about a lot and does at least an hour of sport a day.

As someone said, albeit about men, I can spend hours talking about or watching football. Or knitting!

Yeah I’ve had this with Roblox and found my child asking all the time. I’ve had to stop her playing it completely!

What's wrong with listening to podcasts about games and their characters etc?
Analysis of characters in fiction is a normal thing - whether book, film, tv or game characters.

I think it’s just a special interest thing, kids can get really into a particular topic. It used to be Minecraft for my 7yo, now it’s Star Wars. When she isn’t watching, she talks about it constantly, reads about it, listens to audiobooks, draws and writes stories on it, makes figures out of clay from it. We had a two-hour train ride the other day and she literally talked about Star Wars the whole way! It’ll move onto something else at some point!

Tbh I get really into stuff too, I just have the benefit of years of social awareness not to bore people and keep it to myself.

I don't think it's a problem. Millions of people have video games as their special interest, as proven by the fact some of the biggest Youtube channels were all Minecraft or gaming themed. Video game theories or gameplay videos is a massive genre of entertainment. They go into details like secrets, theories, glitches or easter eggs and are genuinely interesting for those who enjoy a game.

It's like worrying whether boys or men obsessed with watching football is a problem when that's obviously just as sedentary and screentime heavy (making the controversial theory that the majority of footie fans do not actually play football themselves but just like watching and talking about players and stats).

I feel sad at how many parents here actively police their children's hobbies and brutally stamp out any interests they deem inappropriate. Many children who like gaming develop an interest in creating them and end up going into coding, programming or 3D design. All highly lucrative fields in today's world, especially compared to the plethora of academic but entirely useless degrees out there.

There have also been studies that kids who play above average amount of games actually have higher IQs. Probably because most game mechanics have a lot of problem solving, abstract thinking, 3D visualisation and creativity built into them. And they have a tiered difficulty system so they adapt with the players skill level. Some believe that naturally smarter kids gravitate towards gaming because they are constantly given new challenges. They don't get bored after mastering repetitive tasks because by nature, a game always serves up more challenges and more puzzles.

In contrast, real life situations often bore intelligent kids within a shorter time span. Once they've explored the area, figured out the few tasks, they need a new challenge which a physical environment may not provide. Yes, they can get creative and come up with a few new ways to play with friends (built a fort, treasure hunt, hide and seek etc), but those don't necessarily provide the same level of accomplishment because it's more of a role-play rather than problem solving activity.

If he's really into games and gaming why not get him into programming? DS started basic programming with Scratch at this age and is now working as a software engineer.

This is true. There's been studies that show playing computer games helps with fine motor skills, hand eye co ordination and faster reaction times. There was one saying it makes better surgeons due to these benefits. My son plays games with his school friends online so it is more interactive / social than when I played games as a child. They work together and build things.

Maybe it started during covid but virtual third spaces have replaced real ones for children. It's much cheaper and safer as well compared to hanging out at a park or the mall. For many children, gaming with friends is a way of spending time together in addition to physically meeting up. There are plenty of games which can be played collaboratively and having friends online is a crucial socialisation factor that many older generations underestimate (would add a disclaimer that this pertains to playing with friends you know in real life, not total strangers online).

There was a reddit thread recently asking teachers who they feel the "outcast" children are in this generation. Many replied saying that it was actually children with extremely strict screentime rules and those who weren't allowed to partake in any form of popular culture & video games. They get ostracised because they couldn't join in any of the social gaming, which by nature is a bonding experience similar to being invited to parties. And they didn't understand the shared language, insider jokes and memes that inevitably also come from gaming culture.

And puts him with living beings?

I'd say it's relatively normal but keep an eye on it.
Contrary to all our friends we didn't impose strict gaming limits. We said he could ask to play and accept that the answer may sometimes be no. When they play there isn't a time limit but they have to turn it off with no fuss when asked. If they can't follow these rules then we'd have to reconsider. 4 years on we have never had to. Most days it's back from school, often a club or park visit after, homework and snacks then the can play until dinner which is always less than an hour. Dinner is a natural end. Holidays we say they can play at 4pm until dinner.
Friends kids have strict limits and kick off of they miss it or get up early so they have have their allotted time before school etc always begging for 10 more mins etc.
Maybe allow it to play itself out over summer to see if he is less obsessed when the pedestal is removed?
But yes I remember the "mummy, in Minecraft....." Phase 🤯