Is this normal behaviour for a 6yo and did I do the right thing??

[CaffeinatedMum]

Really struggling to work out whether my six year old DS’s behaviour is ‘normal’ or whether it’s a sign of some sort of neurodiversity, and also whether I’m therefore parenting him right or should be stricter.

Long story short came back from work today, both DSs had been looked after by my DM. On my partner returning home (he is their dad, we’re just not worried), eldest DS6 flipped and threw a small bucket of water at my mum and kicked his leg in her direction.

I got home two minutes later as this was unfolding,

Took him upstairs and tried to understand how he was feeling, why he had acted that way. We were upstairs for a long old time with me trying to calm him, him getting upset etc,l. He said it was because he’d wanted all day not grandma (cue mum guilt!) and was also clearly exhausted. I calmed him down, made him apologise, and didn’t let him watch tv for rest of the evening as said he needed to calm down and have an early night as clearly tired.

But part of me feels I should have been stricter and given more consequences! He also insulted my mum just to me which obviously I immediately pulled him up on. But I’m worried to at by not giving him stricter punishments I’m being too permissive.

I don wonder if there is ND at play but equally he can be lovely to everyone outside of immediate family and only melts down like this at home when over tired rather than at school.

Any views welcomed torn between being too permissive and not giving enough consequences!!

married not worried

Not normal. Your poor mum.
Definitely crack down on this behaviour. Lots of consequences. Praise for good behaviour too (if there is any)

I quite liked the “not worried” typo lol.

I think you dealt with it pretty well to be honest but I think I’d have been a bit harder. I wouldn’t have linked the consequence to tiredness, I’d have taken away his screen time for being mean to Grandma. Six is old enough to understand that.

@NorthCoast500 Shouldn’t have mumsnetted after wine haha. I did also say it was because of how he had been to my mum, and I did make it clear what other consequences there would be if that behaviour continued.

@Floppyearedlab I really struggle to think of consequences. I can if it’s relatable I.e arguing with brother over a toy, toy goes away. But I struggle when he’s having a meltdown like that to know what to do to be honest. Everything I’ve read it around staying calm and regulating them then give the lesson afterwards, but I also feel like that’s not then giving a consequence.

I should add this isn’t behaviour that happens all the time, but often enough that it does concern me.

When you had your chat with him , what did he say other than not grandma all day? Was he angry? FrustraTed?Why? What actually happened before he acted that way?

Consequences wise , having to apologise and no telly/early night is good enough.

Tricky one, as I do think generally that us adults are guilty of expecting kids to comply and regulate; but it takes a lot of maturity to be able to do that.
I would say the behaviour sounds very typical of a tired 6 yr old to be honest. Sometimes it's horrible, bratty, embarrasing and downright stressful.

The hardest part of parenting is staying regulated and rational yourself and teaching them to become self-aware enough to regulate.
However I also think it's crucial that they understand that we ALL make mistakes and have big emotions/feelings, but apologising and accountability is the important part.

I think it sounds like you dealt with it really well!

And I would just reiterate boundaries like You can kick a football, but you cannot kick other people or x,y,z (consequence) will happen.
He will get there eventually!!

My teenager told me to Eff Off yesterday. Absolutely not acceptable, however we've had a really awful few days (family emergency) and when we chatted afterwards and had a hug, he apologised for swearing at me.
I'm sure some MNers would clutch their pearls at that, but I know my children are considerate, kind and decent..a few stresses is just part of the parenting journey...!b

I think you handled it perfectly. Although it depends if this is unusual behaviour or not. If it’s a one off, I would presume there’s just some emotional stuff going on about being left with grandma that he can’t properly understand or articulate and he’s lashing out at the end of the day. Kids do this, they have to be on their best behaviour for other grown ups and holding themselves together all day can get hard, so they lash out the minute you get home.

I like “natural consequences” so would also have framed the no TV as being about tiredness. However, I would have also made it clear that physically lashing out at his grandmother and being violent like that was absolutely unacceptable and was not to happen again.

Edited to add: I have two kids, older now than yours, one ND, one not. Either of them could have displayed behaviour like this as a one off, neither of them would have done it habitually.

This.

And I can't help but think that Grandma has probably given more treats/sugar, perhaps not got them outside as much to burn off energy etc...? Maybe they're bored? Maybe they've been playing with water and that was fun before...maybe the child has previously had a water fight and it's been acceptable to throw water at one another before, so why not now...?
Maybe wrong assumptions...but I think at that age, it doesn't take much change, for it to entirely derail their mood

This sounds like something that would happen with my ND six year old.

He is impeccably behaved at school and with grandparents, and also mostly very well behaved at home but he also has huge meltdowns at times at home. He has excellent manners and knows how to behave himself, but when hugely disregulated his executive functioning goes offline and he just can't control himself any longer.

The psychiatrist we saw for his autism assesment said this is typical of autistic children who are very good at masking. They mask at school and with grandparents etc all day, which is utterly exhausting for them. Think if them like a bottle of coke being shaken up all day. More and more pressure bulds, until they just can't contain it any more. Transitions between caregivers are a classic flarepoint.

If he's ND then punishing the behaviour more harshly as a PP suggested is likely counterproductive. He's likely not able to regulate his behaviour sufficiently yet to control himself in these situations. If he is ND then he will likely need your help to learn different coping strategies and may need some adaptations to the way her is parented and dealt with by others to support him.

I think you dealt with it well in the circumstances.

I'd look to get him assessed as a priority so you can put tailored support in place and develop more strategies to support him.

@ChalkOutlines I talked it through with my mum afterwards and sounds like he’d been good as gold all day then just flipped when my partner got home. I think it’s because he was expecting me to be home first and when I wasn’t he just flipped and took it out on my mum. I reckon he’d been bottling it up all day then it all came out. That’s the only thing I can think of.

@LeaveMeBee yes they’d had a water fight at holiday club earlier on in the week, they were meant to have another Thursday and didn’t which he was upset about so not sure whether that was partly it with the water, not that it makes it ok.

I think this is spot on. It sounds like you’re well attuned to your child. He’s lucky to have you as his mum.

@Tiptopflipflop The coke bottle effect is exactly how I’d describe yesterday. I think this is where I’m struggling, I know if he is ND then punishing is likely to be counter productive from what I’ve read, but then equally I don’t want to use it as an excuse for him to get away with bad behaviour. I’ve recently been trying to parent him as if he is ND which I do think has been helping, and ultimately trying to prevent the triggers for his behaviour I.e being overtired (main one). I think I will probably wait until he goes back to school and if anything changes before doing anything, I’m a bit reluctant to rush into trying to get a diagnosis for something when for the most part he’s absolutely fine.

@BibbityBoppity2 Thank you, that’s very kind to say. I definitely don’t feel like I’ve always done a good job at parenting him but I have been trying really hard recently to understand him and look at what works for him.

This makes so much sense then!

If he'd had a great time experiencign laughter and joy during a water fight, it may explain why he then tried to start another one wirh grandma.
Sometimes it is that simple with kids.
This is where it's teaching them about boundaries; you have to ask someone first, you can't just throw water because that's unfair.

Does he have a language delay?

Also to your reply above: Grandma said they've been good as gold all day..but what does that MEAN. For some of the older generation, children being "good" involves sitting still and being quiet...whereas I think now we have a lot more understanding that kids needs to move, climb, shout and run etc.

Context is everything. And i think parenting is particularly hard when you have multiple children because their needs will be different. Some kids will get tired from too much time at the park, and be stroppy because they're tired.. others will need the park and then soft play and still be bouncing of the walls! Imagine that if they're siblings and ones tired and the other is a Duracell bunny...😂

The fact you feel like this means you're a good parent.

Bad parents wouldn't even care or have those thoughts!

There's a saying around being a "good enough" parent. You are human too, some days are easier than others.

6 is such a small age too..!

@LeaveMeBee nope no language delay, he’s actually pretty good at identifying how he’s feeling, We definitely have that issue as my youngest still naps so by the afternoon he’s bouncing off the walls whereas my eldest is tired but always refuses to actually chill out and rest. It’s always worse on either a Saturday after a full week of school or in the holidays on a Friday after a week of holiday clubs.

Mine are older than yours now. But I definitely remember feeling like I was in the trenches when they were that young.. it's hard!! Really bloody hard, some days.

I think children can get very frustrated and angry when they're tired and dealing with tricky situations. He obviously just lashed out and couldn't communicate his feelings very well. You dealt with it well. Just keep reiterating to him what your expectations are. Maybe.if she looks after him again timetable in some TV time towards the end of the day where he can be resting and in his own space.
There is a tendency for the school holidays to involve a lot of activities and not enough down time especially from people who aren't the parents. They might feel bad they're letting the children have screen time etc.
He is very young and it's hard for him to express how he feels.

I guess the question is “what do you think you should have done differently?” “What other consequences do you think you should have given?”

Because the point is that you dealt with it how you felt it should be dealt with - therefore you went with your instinct. Which in my mind means you most likely dealt with it correctly as you clearly are attuned to your DS.

He's 6. They aren’t anywhere near close enough to any sort of emotional development level yet whereby when overwhelmed they can rationalise.

Tory when he’s calm talk to him again. See if he can explain how he was feeling and how his body was feeling. (Look at zones of regulation) Talk about what he can do when he feels this way. Keep going through this every time he gets overwhelmed until he’s able to recognise how his body feels (interoception), the related feeling and a solution.

Zones of regulation are a tool often used with ND people ao if you’re concerned about ND it hopefully will be an effective tool and if there isn’t it’ll hopefully be successful too - so win win!

I felt like this too. I was worried about labelling him. And like your son he's fine the vast majority of the time. He's very bright and articulate and doesn't present with many of the traits you might typically expect in an autistic child. But we actually ended up down the diagnosis path somewhat accidentally when we saw a doctor about something else and they identified it and encouraged us to get a diagnosis.

I'm really pleased we have because we've been given lots of little strategies to help him, and with a diagnosis the school can do some subtle things to support him too. We're not gping round telling people about his diagnosis, it is his private medical information, but it is allowing us to make things a lot easier for him. It is also allowing us to teach him strategies that work for him and have that applied consistently with school etc.

It also means that if he does have a meltdown with family or at school (touch wood it hasn't happened yet) they will treat it as an autistic meltdown rather than punishing him for being naughty. That is important ahead of the pre-teen years when their hormones.stsrt surging which can tip them into meltdowns at school.

It's only been a few months, but we quickly found that once the school put some subtle adjustments in place for him, he became less tired at.the end of the day and a lot less disregulated at home. Things like discretely sitting him at a quieter table, having a visual timetable on the wall so he knows what to expect and when, being much clearer in their instructions etc. None of his classmates would notice any difference, but it's quietly helping him and he is a much happier child for it.

I think you handled it well. Maybe a bit of discussion now about poor grandma now he’s calmer and how it would have made her feel a bit sad. Perhaps he could draw her a picture to say sorry.
My three sons are young adults now but I can imagine one of them could have done something like this age 6 and he doesn’t have any diagnosis and seems a functional, kind person. He just got overwhelmed at that age after a long day away from me.

I’ve also got a 6 year old (but a girl), and in the past 6 months have really noticed really difficult transitions, leaving the car after school and utterly melting down with dad at home as soon as crossing the door. I see so much masking at school and unraveling at home, no ND assessment or diagnosis, but ND sibling so I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve also read via dr Google ages 6-8 pre-hormones suddenly have bursts and emotions are all over the place. Either way, your son has a lovely mum and I’m sure your mum will be ok. You’re trying and that’s what matters.