Abusive ex co parent

[Yappydee90]

Hi all

I left my abusive ex husband nearly 3 years ago, he was mentally, verbally abusive and controlling and this has continued the last 3 years through our child arrangements.

All of last year he was barely in our child's life, we even went to mediation which had to end as he also used that to abuse me.

This year he has mostly been consistent seeing child once a week on a Saturday 10-5 however he will usually bring back child early. He also does nothing with child on these days.

Over the last few months when he's asked about overnights etc Ive offered, set out an arrangement which will be followed by him for a few weeks then trails off for reasons off him such as work etc.

The day before the six week holidays started this year he said he wanted to have an extra day every week, I said ok but would have to go week to week as I already had plans as he was asking so last minute, then when I offered him an extra day, he said he'd respond in second and 24 hours later he hadnt replied so when he finally did I said I thought it wasn't what he wanted as he didn't reply. He flipped out over this calling me controlling, stopping him having a meanifull relationship etc I'm selfish, the whole shebang. This was for an extra day not his normal contact.

Anyway that weekend was our child's birthday that I had invited him and his family invited too, none of them came.

The night before my child's actual birthday he again started with the name calling and how he's going to court because I've "started all this again" How I'm manipulative etc

I then asked for us to move to a mutal place for handovers instead of each other's houses going forward due to his messages and again Ive been sent abusive messages. I've told him now email only.

Why do I feel like I'm being unreasonable here, our child is 6 and has autism, which he also doesn't believe which worries me!

I'm not scared of court anymore just looking for advice I suppose 😔

I can’t believe you’re offering extra time and overnights with an abusive ex who is a lazy crap father

He hasn't had them since April and when he's asked since I've said they would have to be built up etc

I'm just always torn as I feel guilty if I don't I suppose and his abuse doesn't make anything easy!

Guilty about what? Guilty about offering someone like this overnights either a vulnerable young child?

Come on @Yappydee90 you need to put your mum pants on and start being very clear here. Email only. And no inviting him to birthday parties fgs

Is he paying you CMS?

I would tell him that you have decided that it is best for all concerned to stick to the court ordered contact.
Keep a record of every contact session and the length of time, including any unpunctuality.
If he genuinely wants more contact, he can go back to court.

Yes he is

We haven't ever been to court this has always been between us

Why are you bending over backwards to facilitate contact with an abuser? Drop the rope completely.

How old is your child? Are they bothered about whether they see their arse of a father or not? If not then stop pushing it. Let him take it to court. It might be better to have a court ordered agreement in place anyway if your child does want contact.

Although he's threatened it 3 times now

Why would you care if he took you to caught? Surely you have an avalanche of evidence proving his abuse and inconsistency

Im not pushing it, he is unfortunately and I don't know where I stand with it

I said in my post I don't care if he takes me to court.

Then just step back and let him go to court. It might be all hot air from him, or it might not. You'll find out soon enough.

It sounds like getting a court ordered agreement in place might not be such a bad idea.

How old are the children? Are they bothered whether they see him or not?

You need to tell him that you’re sick of abusive messages so you won’t be discussing or negotiating time anymore. He can have the time that was originally agreed and clarify what you mean by that. And tell him if that doesn’t work for him he’s welcome to take you to court, but that you won’t be dealing with abusive messages anymore.

Then tbh I’d readdress if your kid really needs to see an abusive person who doesn’t support them, as much as you were even allowing originally.

keep a record of all of the abuse, especially anything concerning around dc.

They are 5 and they don't talk about him when not with him but never really said no to going, my child has autism so it isn't that straight forward for them, they are not in distress after being with him

Honestly I'd much prefer if he wasn't in our life but it's not that easy, he won't ever leave this.

He hasn’t seen his child once since April? Or hasn’t had them overnight since April?

He's hasn't had over nights since April

Stop chasing him and bending over backwards for a man who is still abusing you. He’ll be getting a kick out of your messages and the power he has by not replying to you.

If he wants contact then he can take you to court. I suspect that he keeps on threatening you because he knows that you don’t want court.

When he says that you are preventing contact etc this is part of the manipulation script by an abuser. You know the truth. You have the evidence (if not, start keeping a timeline) and when you wobble, you can read this to remind yourself that you went further than you should have. Stop twisting and turning yourself into knots. He knows that guilt is a button that will trigger you and keep you under his control.

So absolutely don’t offer any more

I do have a lot of evidence to use that's why I'm not worried about court, he just keeps on and on at me and I do keep my nerve and hold my ground most of the time and say no but his abuse this week yet again has really gotten to me and now I'm going to completely grey rock going forward.