Is it weird we have no playdates?

[Sunnysideupxo]

My son is just finishing up his third year in school, he also attended the school nursery.
He appears to have friends, enjoys school and there have been no real issues im aware of.
Since being in school we have not really had any playdates, my son goes to many activities where he socialises with kids and is attending a summer scheme 2 days a week. Comparing myself to my friend's whose children attend other schools makes me feel sad, they seem to have regular meet ups and playdates which we don't. I have tried, we went to a soft play with one mum, I then invited her child to another activity but nothing really since. We had another child to ours for a short playdate and my child went to theirs but again nothing since.
I think part of the problem is im not really friendly with any of the other Mums, I have tried, I always say hello on school runs and make small talk but I find most busy/stand offish and don't feel particularly close enough to any to ask about further playdates etc.
Should I make more of an effort and put myself out of my comfort zone or be happy my child is socializing at groups and activities?

Why can’t you meet up with your friends and their kids?

We do, we used to a lot more when the kids were young but everyone is quite busy and don't really live locally to us. A lot of my friend's would have local friends/school mums who they meet up with

It will come. He is still young. Invite his friends to yours again. Dont worry though. He sounds very sociable with plenty of opportunities to mix with his peers. Thinks us mums always worry. I would just ask him if he wants a friend over after school and invite who he says.

You kind of have to make a sustained effort to organise playdates with the kids he enjoys playing with, regardless of how well you know the mum. As some of those are reciprocated, you get into a bit of a rhythm, and it takes less putting yourself out there.

Yes Its difficult though, as I have reached out a few times and when it's not reciprocated it feels kinda embarrassing. Ive put stuff into the class Whatsapp about meeting in the park but its usually met with excuses. Im guessing other kids in the class must meet up surely?

If your kids go to the same school then surely you are all "local" to each other? I can't imagine anyone refusing to invite someone for a playdate because they don't live within walking distance. 30-45mins driving is totally fine for most people these days.

To be blunt, the problem is almost certainly because you're not making an effort with the other mums. If asking them cold-turkey for a playdate feels too awkward, you have to get to know them a bit better first such as during a birthday party or volunteering for the PA or a school event. Another low-pressure way of building up friendships is to go to a local event, workshop, museum or village fete together. If you happen to know another mum with a similar schedule then you can ask if they're interested in going to xyz after school or on the weekend. That way you also get to spend time chatting which makes arranging playdates a lot easier.

You've misunderstood, that response was to someone who asks why I don't meet up with my friends and their kids. My friends kids attend different schools much further away and our kids don't spend as much time together. I would see my friend's in the evening without kids.
This is more playdates with school friends and school mums. We don't live in a little village but instead more of a big city so much harder to run into people

You’re coming at this the wrong way. You’re not doing it to have it reciprocated, you’re doing it to ensure your child sees his friends. You mention only hosting three in total, over three years at school, only one, which you refer to as ‘short’, at home? That seems to me very little, certainly nowhere near enough to write the whole thing off. I barely knew any of the other parents at DS’s first primary because I never did drop offs and pickups, and it made no difference. I just invited children DS liked to come to ours after school, and kept doing it, even though I had to arrange to work flexibly to make it happen.

If you want playdates, ask him who he'd like to invite over to play and tea and then ask the mum. Don't worry if it's not reciprocated, that's not the point. Some mothers will be unable to host after school playdates because of work or other commitments. If your son is enjoying his out of school activities, then a playdates every couple of weeks is fine! We used to go to the local park after school and often at weekends and my kids would usually see someone they know to play with. Get chatting to other mums in the park too and get involved in school activities and PTA if you can. That's the best way to get to know other mums.

At that age, playdates are far easier when the parents are pally and can have a good chat and a coffee. When parents aren't close, playdates are awkward and less likely to happen.

3 years at school, so going into Y3? At that age the parents don't accompany, they just drop off at yours at weekend or you collect the friend and walk them directly home from school. You don't need to know the parents, you just need to not be known as a weird/dodgey parent! You already have individual numbers from WhatsApp group. Just get inviting! I have 3 primary aged children and we have kids round at least once a week. One short visit at your home in 3 years is really very strange.

We made an effort to arrange play dates and soon realized that everyone was happy to accept but would not return the invitation. I found this annoying but I am also aware that many families don’t feel comfortable hosting for various reasons.

My advice would be to invite children over for play dates - if you value the relationship your child has with the guest. And try not to get upset if it becomes a one-sided relationship.

Play dates are a two way street, you can’t sit back waiting to be invited rather than doing the planning and then be annoyed about it.

There were plenty of playdates from nursery onwards for my DCs. I wasn’t always friendly with the mums, but it was a good way to make friends.

Do you know if other children are going on play dates? Does he get invited to parties?

I don’t think there are huge amounts of play dates at this age. Parents don’t want to go and socialise and they are just getting to the age when people feel comfortable leaving them. I’d say mine had maybe 2-3 a year, if even that. In both cases, that was usually with one specific friend (both cases SAHMs who didn’t have a whole lot else going on).

Mine is going into Y4 now and has had maybe 5 in the past year if I were to guess. We’re all busy. I don’t have time and energy for play dates and neither do they. Has nothing to do with mum friends. None of the mums of my ds are really my friends. I have their numbers because of previous birthday parties, but we don’t socialise more than dropping off and collecting and sometimes chatting at a party.

People are busy. There aren’t many true SAHP anymore, most are having to work around the school runs. If like us, they have dc who have after school activities. I have to drive my teen to work or sports training 3-4 afternoons a week. There is no room for play dates, so don’t feel like everyone else is having them because they really aren’t, except for maybe the few who are using it as a childcare swap.

Same situation! I have some mum friends but they always seem to be busy. It’s just us and we have no family etc around so we spend the holidays by ourselves. I put myself out there with friends and on school WhatsApp and never get a response. DC is very social and popular so I think I’m the issue because I’m very shy and maybe not that interesting? They always get invited to parties and have lots of friends at school and no behaviour that would put parents off.

I hate it though because it has such an impact on DC as they want to be with their friends here and there. I tried that Peanut app but didn’t have any success as people just don’t reply to messages I found but you might find it handy?? It’s for local mums to make friends.

Good luck, it’s hard. This subject makes me really sad.

But how many times have you had your child's friends over to your house on playdates? I mean during the school year -- summer holidays aren't generally playdate central, as people are away, kids are at camps etc. Are you saying you keep inviting your child's friends over after school and their parents always say no?

I mean, this isn't about your friendships, but your child's. I could barely have picked out the parents of DS's friends at his first primary out of a police lineup. My only concern was to establish myself with them as a responsible person who was happy for them to come and check me out at a first playdate, or stay around if necessary.

Yes, I am saying that. I have asked people to ours or to meet at a location. I take snacks when we’re going to other's. I have offered to have other peoples children when they have announced they’re stuck, say an inset day they are stuck for. It absolutely isn’t about my friendships at all, I am not looking for friends which is why I said I feel guilty for my DC.

Please don’t pick my post apart on this subject and try and make me feel even more shit, I have cried more than once about this as I see DC missing their friends on all holidays and often ask me for playdates throughout the year and it’s always a ‘Sorry, too busy’. And I know I put the effort in, I am a good person but I’m shy and awkward. DC is very popular so the only reasonable conclusion is me. I don’t think everyone is really busy all the time.

Glad I'm not the only one feeling this way, funny I did actually download the peanut app when my youngest started nursery with the hopes of having some local friends to meet up with more for my child, he finished nursery at 11 so the days I had him felt long. Wasn't very successful unfortunately. I have lovely friends but they don't live locally and our kids spend less time together now. I do feel it's a combination of people being busy and likely as I'm not that close it being harder to casually meet up. I feel my son probably isn't as aware as he attends summer schemes 2 days and then time with his grandparents. I have no idea if other people have playdates, I assume so but then a lot of the mother's day seem to be closer and have had older kids in the school etc oh well