Struggling with my four-year-old's aggressive meltdowns while awaiting ADHD assessment

[Naughtychildhelp]

Please, please help if you’ve been through this. 🙏
My son is 4 years old (March-born), and if I say no or he doesn’t get his own way, he’ll hit me, spit at me, scream, and completely lose control. Today it happened in the supermarket, and I was so embarrassed.
His nursery believes he has ADHD, and he’s currently waiting to be assessed. I’m a teacher myself, and I also feel he’s neurodivergent.
The truth is, I’m really struggling to cope with his behaviour. My eldest is such a sensible child, but my youngest’s behaviour is affecting so much of our daily life. I avoid taking him to places because I’m so anxious about what might happen.
There are always consequences. Today, I picked him up while he was screaming, abandoned my shopping, and took him straight home. I ended up sitting in the car crying afterwards. Yesterday, the same thing happened at the park, and we had to leave.
When he starts escalating, I get down to his level, speak calmly and kindly, stay firm, and don’t give in. But it doesn’t seem to help him regulate or reduce the situation.
Has anyone else experienced this? Did anything genuinely help? I’m feeling exhausted and quite heartbroken, and I’d really appreciate any advice.

he will be too young surely for an adhd assessment.
do you mean autism assessment?

either way a diagnosis wont stop his behaviour.
you need to find some way of managing, take a step back

Meltdown are not tantrums. Meltdown are lose of control and should not be punished.

You need to look at the triggers. Supermarkets are often overwhelming for ND people. I wouldn’t take one of my autistic kids into supermarket and would only pop into one with the other if she was able to tolerate it on that day.

I agree with PP. I’d be avoiding overwhelming situations when he’s struggling to self regulate.

If you look at STAR analysis you should be able to unpick his behaviour. Setting Trigger Action Result.
In this case the result wasn’t favourable for you but in a way it was a positive result for him as he didn’t want to be there.

I’d set some clear rules and boundaries. Use symbols and timers, First and Then approach. You probably need to use reduced language especially once he’s in crisis.

If he’s likely to be ND a Sensory Specialist OT assessment will be helpful. Look at SPD strategies. The Out of Synch Child has Fun is a good book with practical suggestions for activities.

Look at positive rewards not just consequences.

Online delivery for astart. Mine were really quite old before they could cope with supermarkets.

consequences etc only work over the longer term. You’re better off avoiding busy noisy environments full stop fir a bit

Could you do a sensory assessmemt yourself? There is a really good video which covers the basics on this website. Once you understand what his strengths and struggles are, you can make sure he isnt in situations where there is more than he can cope with. Dont avoid stuff totally, just limit it and understand which bits are hard for him. https://www.sheffieldchildrens.nhs.uk/services/child-development-and-neurodisability/sensory-processing-difficulties/

my ds4 can be that bad in the supermarket if I say no to buying toys . I end up buying something for him . following with interest

My 7 year old is an angel....my 5 year old is so incredibly difficult, always has been. He bites, hits, throws things at us, screams. Only difference to you is he is much better outside the house and the meltdowns happen at home. He is also perfectly behaved at school so when we went to speak to his teacher they couldn't say much as they had never seen him behave like that...and I don't think fully appreciated how bad it gets.

We have found that when he is in one of his rages, there is nothing you can do. You have to let it "burn out". Consequences never worked, because in that moment they can't be reasoned with. And consequences after don't mean much because I don't think the meltdowns are really a conscious choice. We make sure we give him lots of love afterwards and really we're just hoping he grows out of it.

I don't have any real advice but just solidarity! I found most advice really unhelpful...any parenting style would work on my eldest, but they're an easy child. A child with such strong feelings and difficulty coping is just a different ball game.

You are understandably at the end of your tether. Typical approaches with consequences dont work, as you have found, which feels unsettling as that is what we have in our "tool bag" to deal with unwanted behaviour.

One thing to possibly investigate, with his strong reaction to being told no is Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) and look at the recommended approaches, this is a a different difficulty to ASD or ADHD.

With ASD meltdowns the rational part of the brain has disengaged, and they can't be reasoned with. You can only keep them safe, and wait until the disregulation has passed. They are overwhelmed and unable to process whist in this state (Good or bad stuff, bribes or consequences)

Its hard sometimes to distinguish between a meltdown and a tantrum. My personal rule of thumb is that if I gave in to what they want , would they calm down? If so, its a tantrum.

Look at what potential triggers are. A busy environment? Bright lights? Noises? Smells? Sometimes these are okay in small amounts, but accumulate till the smallest of things tip them over the edge.

Be kind to yourself. Its hard when our kids don't conform and follow the rules that work for everyone else.

Good luck when he's 15.

Can you give examples of what he wanted that he couldn't have/do?

My nd child was the same but I just take photos on my phone and add things to 'the list' which placates him. The list doesn't exist obviously.

If he was having a meltdown, 'consequences' don't work though, pressure hugs work quite well.

Also don't discount hunger. My ds was so volatile at 3-5 and 99% of the time his biggest meltdowns were hunger related. I got in the habit of carrying nuts etc. because he has ADHD he would never sit long enough to eat a meal. Two mouthfulls and he is 'full' because the food is now boring and running in circles is better. So 30 mins later he is hungry again.

When he starts escalating, I get down to his level, speak calmly and kindly, stay firm, and don’t give in. But it doesn’t seem to help him regulate or reduce the situation.

You may be ND as well as not ever compromising is a form of rigidity and PDA that put his unstoppable object to your unmovable force at loggerheads.

You need give in sometimes, otherwise every little thing turns into a contest of wills. Before saying no, think of what if you said yes?

Obviously, there will be some times you have to say no but I think if you reflect you might find you’re saying it more often than you need to.

There is also the power of ‘yes….plus’

Mum can I have an ice cream ‘yes, when you’ve had your dinner’

Mum I want a puppy ‘yes I do too! But you need to be a bit older so you can help choose it <or> ‘yes, me too but sadly we can’t because it wouldn’t be fair on the puppy as we don’t have a garden or I’m allergic (etc).

But we can ask anyone with a dog if their dog would like a quick pet?

So even if it is a no, you can empathise and validate with their wants, leave a crack open for a future yes if appropriate or if it’s never going to be yes then a say a yes to something related as consolation. Sometimes you can ask why do you want? And the consolation presents itself!

Why do you want an ice cream? I’m so hot I feel like a forest fire. Well let’s get you an ice lolly or let’s set up the paddling pool this afternoon etc.

Exactly right, supermarkets are still triggers for me today in my 50s. I tend to cut short the shopping and we make do with whatever got in the trolley when I feel the pressure becoming unbearable.

My personal rule of thumb is that if I gave in to what they want , would they calm down? If so, its a tantrum.

I am not sure that works. If there is sensory overload involved and say the child is demanding their video console so they can regulate and you remove the child from the sensory overload give them their tool to regulate, then they calm down. You can even stop a meltdown in its earliest stages. That doesn’t make it a tantrum over screen time.

The same applies with food. The poster talking about her child reminded me of how low blood sugar would cause meltdowns at the slightest tiny hint of the outing not going exactly to plan. So a request for food/drink, usually a treat when it’s a child is more about fuelling up than craving sugar. I used to carry quick healthyish things like those strawberry oatmeal bars in my bag.

As meltdowns occurred I would literally remove mine from the environment. I found getting down to their level escalated matters, whereas a firm no, a firm hand hold, no eye contact and a swift removal to the car/ home worked better.

When things are calm, feel free to talk it through but not whilst tensions are running high!

This is how we’re doing it to be consistent . It’s just got worse and worse recently and now we feel we have to work out how to reduce the behaviour.

we Also have to step in. His behaviour is at anything out the house/ the supermarket was just 1 example. But he grabbed the trolly off his elder brother and started ramming it into him. It’s not behaviour that is just asking for sweets or something. Same yesterday at the park, he was throwing sand at others eyes and I had to stop him. Then we we stop and say no . It’s kind at first and we get on his level and say no thank you that’s not what we do , he yells and hits out

You are so right. I oversimplified it in my ramblings. I have 3 asd dc, and each is so different, and I must confess I was thinking of my younger dd, who has similar traits. It is true that for certain things its something that may be a coping mechanism/ grounding, or simply the straw that broke the camels back.

Hiya OP,
I’m in Scotland and have recently completed a 6 week course for parenting an ADHD child - mine is audADHD too. It was life changing and I’m so glad I went on it. Taught me things I would have never understood or thought about!!
I had the worksheets emailed to me. Please feel free to pm me and I can send the pdf’s.
The best part what’s that the person taking the course was an NHS clinical consultant and he was ADHD too. Gave me such hope that our wee ones can go on to achieve great things!