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Parenting

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Not settled at nursery after 1 year…

8 replies

Eth4455 · 29/07/2026 19:25

Looking for some advice re:separation anxiety in a 4 year old. They have been at school nursery for almost a year and drop offs have been extremely difficult. She screams and holds on so tight it takes time to peel her off. Shes in complete panic mode. She does settle down within 10-15 mins and seems to have an ok day. I wouldn’t say she loves it but not upset. She’s had two accidents at nursery that have led to A&E visits which seem to have traumatised her and after each accident we regress back to hysterical drop offs. We seem to make progress and then either a holiday/nursery closure or accident sets us right back.

Staff turnover at the nursery is high, all advice we’ve received has been to do with keeping the routine consistent and making drop off quick. We have kept things very consistent on our part for months - rearranging holidays etc. There’s not much else we can do in terms of consistency. When we arrive at nursery there are a few staff that will deal with her, the rest just refuse to make eye contact or even say hello. I understand she’s difficult but I suppose it’s not surprising she isn’t comfortable there. Over the year she has developed relationships with around 7 staff members but they’re all mat leave, sick leave, part time.

How would you approach dealing with this? Is it unreasonable to expect the nursery to have a plan in place prior to arrival (same time every day). I have a meeting tomorrow so wondering where to even start.

The nursery and health visitor have no concerns about additional needs. I don’t think I do either, she does well outside of nursery.

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Marroon · 29/07/2026 19:27

Will she not be in school in September if she’s 4 now?

Eth4455 · 29/07/2026 19:30

No, we live in Scotland. School next August

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HelloDarknessmyoldfrenemy · 29/07/2026 19:37

The school/ nursery sounds rubbish. Also, that is very high staff turnover which generally means the staff aren’t happy either! If it’s a miserable place to work I can’t imagine it being very nice for a child. Any chance you could move her?

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Eth4455 · 29/07/2026 19:42

Definitely considering it but because it’s the school nursery they do form their friendship groups prior to school starting. Plus they’ll have an enhanced transition to P1. They get familiar with the lunch hall etc which I feel is beneficial. But otherwise I would have moved her already I think. Sometimes because I’m so in it and emotional about it I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

My son went to the same nursery and we loved it. The teacher in charge is the same but most staff have changed. Just so disappointing and frustrating.

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HelloDarknessmyoldfrenemy · 29/07/2026 19:52

Eth4455 · 29/07/2026 19:42

Definitely considering it but because it’s the school nursery they do form their friendship groups prior to school starting. Plus they’ll have an enhanced transition to P1. They get familiar with the lunch hall etc which I feel is beneficial. But otherwise I would have moved her already I think. Sometimes because I’m so in it and emotional about it I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

My son went to the same nursery and we loved it. The teacher in charge is the same but most staff have changed. Just so disappointing and frustrating.

I think after a year you need to do something different. The nursery clearly aren’t going to change.

Also, at 4 friendships are very fluid so I don’t think is a big problem changing now and then changing back for school. Also she might be a bit stuck in a rut where she has been scared and upset for so long that it’s her automatic reaction now and a change may help with that. Does she do any extra curricular things which are drop and go? Like dance, football swimming? If so, how is she with those?

Eth4455 · 29/07/2026 20:09

HelloDarknessmyoldfrenemy · 29/07/2026 19:52

I think after a year you need to do something different. The nursery clearly aren’t going to change.

Also, at 4 friendships are very fluid so I don’t think is a big problem changing now and then changing back for school. Also she might be a bit stuck in a rut where she has been scared and upset for so long that it’s her automatic reaction now and a change may help with that. Does she do any extra curricular things which are drop and go? Like dance, football swimming? If so, how is she with those?

Yes I do think you’re right, some of it has become habit. However after having that last accident it’s definitely gone back to panic and not just habit. You know when you can tell how upset they really are.

We’re in the process of changing gymnastics as they’re off for the summer. At her previous one you would leave the room and go upstairs to a viewing area. She did very much get herself into the habit of wanting me to stay in the room, but she seemed to enjoy the attention she got from the coach who would come and get her and that would be her routine. She would then join in and just look for me at the window occasionally.

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BringMeWine448ew01 · 30/07/2026 20:37

Change nursery. It's been long enough and it doesn't sound she is getting the care she needs.

TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 30/07/2026 20:43

Change nursery! A year is massively too long to be unhappy every morning especially when you probably only have 2 years of actual memory.

She'll also just be in the habit of being upset now.

Definitely change- imagine if you hated your job as much as she hated her nursery, would you have slogged it out for a full year?!

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