How to handle increasing defiance and rudeness from a teenager at home

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The defiance has reached new heights recently. The slightest request, even a “you should start on your holiday homework” asked once and after not asking anything else of them for several hours prior is prompting verbal anger and accusations that we’re nagging them. This attitude seems to be reserved for us, his parents; their end of year school report was glowing.

Half of me wants to dish out some sort of consequence for their rudeness and defiance, but I’m torn as don’t want to risk alienating them more.

Any tips from people who’ve been in a similar position?

If his report was glowing, why did you need to tell him to start working on his homework? I was a very high achieving student and this kind of stuff from my parents really got to me too. It created pressure and anxiety when none was needed.

So I'd say pick your battles. If he's doing well at school and is otherwise a decent teen, leave him alone. Teenagers are notorious for trying to get some independence and to try and find their way. You should be trying to get closer to him, not nag him.

I work with teenagers. Most of them hate being told what to do. I frame all requests as ‘can you do me a favour?’.

You need to reframe your requests: ‘I’m thinking of doing a bit of work. Why don’t I make us both a cuppa and we can both crack on?’ or ‘I was thinking of coffee/cake in town later on but I’ve got some chores to do first. Why don’t we both crack on and I’ll drive us in a bit later on?’.

Agree with pp’s.
it is very easy to get into a cycle of negativity with teenagers and they actually feel it more than the parents.
Let him make as many decisions of his own that he can, allow him some control.
Say something nice to him at least once a day and a little bit of indulgence can reap rewards as in making him a cuppa or a favourite breakfast.
They want independence but still some not too obvious mothering.

What is the context here. Why would you need to ask a teenager who has a glowing report to make a start on their holiday work? It’s up to him when he does it. Unless the context is him whinging he’s bored and had nothing to do.

How old is your teen? If they're 13 I think it's ok to remind them about holiday homework, any older than that I think it's their responsibility.

It definitely makes a difference how you frame the question. My DS14 would bristle a bit if I said ‘you should do your holiday homework’.
Instead I asked him how he intended to manage his workload over the holidays, and he showed me his study plan.

There definitely should be consequences for rudeness and defiance.

Ignore the rudeness. Brush over it or turn it in to a joke. They are trying g to provoke a reaction so don't give them one. They'll soon get bored.

Ask for their help instead. Ignore bad language, they'll grow out of it. Focus on getting the job done as a team.

Assuming you are in England, the holidays have literally just started. Have a day off.

They’ve been given a pre GCSE course homework book for one subject and told to do a section a week. On reflection, I suppose that I am quite “helicoptery” about ensuring homework gets done on time and probably do need to make an effort to step back from that.

14 so probably on the cusp!

I think it was a bit early in the summer holidays to nag them about homework. Framing this as a request is a bit disingenuous when you used the word ‘should’. I would apologise to him and start a new conversation about how he plans to spend his summer holidays.

Yes, rudeness is generally a battle that I’ve decided not to pick but it’s escalating and I’m wondering if that was a wise decision.

On reflection of my own parenting, it took me about a year to realise that ‘you should start on your holiday homework’ had absolutely zero positive results. It definitely didn’t make them start, and on the outside chance that they had a plan to, they now won’t. It’s really hard to pull back from but just learn to understand it doesn’t help.

PPs have this right with the collaborative approach - "let's get some work done" etc.

Also, try to reduce smartphone use in front of them, as that is the greatest obstruction to studying or using time constructively. Always make it "do as I do" as opposed to "do as I say".