Really stupid problem but it is getting me down

[isthisaplum]

I have a just turned three year old daughter who has been quite bossy and domineering for a while now. I don’t let her; she does have to cede that others have needs and wants, but in all honesty that message doesn’t seem to be sinking in.

The main issue is related to a particular phrase ‘go this way.’ I don’t think it’s actually linked to which way she wants to go as you can guarantee whichever way you go will be the ‘wrong’ way and she’ll start screaming, sobbing and trying to go the other way. It’s happening so many times in a day it’s absolutely draining me and meaning the simplest of activities are just horrible. I sometimes feel like all I hear is ‘go this way, go this way, mummy no go this way’ which then culminates in a big meltdown.

We are on holiday at the moment and I’m struggling to enjoy myself at all because she’s so relentless.

Unfortunately you just have to keep saying “no mummy needs to go this way” and it will phase out I promise. They all go through this sort of thing as toddlers they think they know best the main thing is you don’t pander to it which it sounds like you aren’t. It’s exhausting but just know this bit now is 100000 percent worth it in the long run for her to learn boundaries!

It sounds like a typical 3 year old trying to have some control over their day.
Is there a time you can actually let her have a choice rather than just “no”?

This! Hang in there as it’ll get better (although you can enjoy another version of DC knows best when she becomes a teenager!)

Sometimes but it’s extended to everything - so this morning we were just practicing riding bikes up and down and she wouldn’t stop yelling at her brother to go this way and then trying to physically turn his bike around which obviously is dangerous … then we come back and she’s screaming hysterically and I’m all het up and stressed and ds is grumpy and DH asks what’s wrong and ‘she wanted to go this way’ - it’s so silly! But really impacting me!

And thank you for the encouragement; it’s reassuring!

You just repeat yourself 10000000 times, pretty typical.

I'd also second making sure there are activities where you don't have to say no all the time.

Give her some say when it's safe and then do it your way when it's important (despite the kick off). She probably just wants some control.

Let her direct you sometimes but not others and tell her beforehand which type of outing it will be. Also, try giving her choices where both options are acceptable to you. For example do you want to go down the stairs or the lift to get to the swimming pool? She feels in control but really you are. Or let her direct you but on a time limit? You can tell brother which way to go for 5 minutes but after that he will be making his own decisions (if he doesn't mind).

You will honestly look back one day and reminisce and laugh about it. For now you have to see it for what it is: crazy toddler brain. It will pass.

Be breezy and unbothered. If she’s building to a temper about it, make light of it. Scoop her up and tickle her and say “go this way!” and throw her in the air. Then “go that way!” and dangle her low down. Start singing “go this way that way over and under, over the Irish Sea!” while you swing her back and forth. Go daft. Break the cycle right before it happens and make fun with it. If she likes to play with little people or teddies, role play one being bossy and saying “go this way!” and what the other little teddies do and say about that. All toddler phrases that they latch on to are scaffolding for more language. Find the language around it for her, not just saying “no” all the time. She’ll dig her heels in further because then it’s a battle of who’s right: mummy or me.

Remember how silly it all is and how you’ll be reminiscing about the “go this way” phase with her when she has her own 2 year old and that will help you scoop her up and tickle the nonsense out of her. Toddlers latch on to phrases and get stuck in little loops.

That’s very true @Prrrprrrprrr

I'd introduce taking turns to decide which way to go.

Thanks, but I am a bit loath to give her that control as it isn’t always possible or practical and she’ll often change her mind anyway - so even if you say yes we can go that way she’ll start screaming to go the other way and on and on!

Shes been lovely today bar that one incident … honestly cannot wait for this phase to end though!

Give her as much choice as you possibly can, over everything, where it makes no difference to you.

Do you want to wear this blue dress or this green one? (holding them up)
Do you want peas or beans with your dinner?
Do you want to go to the shops now or after lunch?
Shall we walk through the park to the shops or down this road to the shops?
Shall we go to the baker first or the shoe shop first?

Get into the habit of offering two choices (three or more options can be overwhelming)

Then when there is no choice, and it has to be your way, just breeze right through with a cheerful smile. Don't get emotional. Pick her up and carry her, or if she goes rigid and won't go into the pushchair or car seat, 'karate chop' or tickle her hips to make her bend (very gently of course) and quickly strap her in. Be utterly deaf to the screams and protests - no cajoling, no comforting, no verbal response at all. Don't engage.
Just carry right on smiling, then after a few moments when you have started walking or driving, introduce a distraction: 'oh look at that X thing' or a total change of subject 'I like Bluey better than Bingo' (a statement, not an attempt to engage in conversation as she may choose not to respond).

She'll continue to fight you for control unless you give her some opportunities to choose. Better on your terms than hers when you end up giving into a tantrum.

Oh god, 3 year olds are relentless! She is asserting herself and it will take a ton of patience and repetition to rein it in. Give choices where you can and stand firm on the non-negiotables. Ignore the tantrums as much as you can and when they tail off, distract with a cheerful 'Oh have you finished? Shall we go in the garden/read a book/make some lunch now?' Don't give the tantrum power, just appear unruffled and a bit bored (even if feeling stressed on the inside!) Try not to feel embarrassed or worry what other people think if you're out and about - toddlers are prone to tantrums and it doesn't make you a bad parent! It's a stage and it will pass if you don't give it oxygen and be consistent.

I think you’re making this a battle when it shouldn’t be. Okay, the forcibly turning your ds’s bike, sure, it’s a problem. She sits out until she calms down and apologises. It might take 30 minutes. Wait it out. But otherwise, why not go her way? It doesn’t have to become a thing. Or say you want to go the opposite way, so that ‘this way’ is the right away. Let her take you all on a journey sometimes. You’re on holiday. You don’t have anywhere to be. Make a game of it sometimes.

why not go her way well … I don’t want to sound horrible but maybe if I had just her and I didn’t work and I never needed to go anywhere or do anything … even then that doesn’t work! Because even if you go that way she’ll then shriek at you to go the other; you go the other and she’ll wail to go the other way.

It really has nothing to do with which way she wants to go - it’s purely a control thing and I do get that, it’s just been going on so long and she’s so persistent with it that it’s becoming incredibly difficult to manage. With the best will in the world and buckets of patience and loads of support repeated toddler tantrums are incredibly draining.