Worried about wife

[Guy85]

I am becoming increasingly worried about my wife, we have 2 children, one non verbal.

She’s not physically aggressive with our children, but she’s losing her temper much more than she ever did before. There’s a lot of shouting and screaming every day and throughout the day she messages me at work saying she can’t cope with them anymore.

Most nights I find her crying in the bathroom after the kids are in bed. She barely sleeps. If I wake up during the night, she’s often just lying there awake, staring into space. Since becoming a mum, it feels like she’s slowly lost herself. I try to help out as much as possible during the evenings and weekends, I say to her all the time just take a weekend away but she refuses saying she would feel too guilty.

I think she’s struggling more than she’s letting on. I want to help her, not judge her. I don’t want to make her feel like she’s failing or that I’m criticising her, because I know she already puts so much pressure on herself.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you approach the conversation? What actually helped? I really think she needs support, but I don’t know how to bring it up without making things worse.
I’d really appreciate any advice.

I think you need to discuss with GP, sounds like depression. How old are the children?

Sorry I should of said 4 and 6

Gently suggest she sees a doctor, she may be depressed, a starting point

Also you are entitled to input from a health visitor until your child is 5 . She needs to see her GP asap too

Ah bless ye both, it’s so tough, especially non verbal. You definitely lose yourself when you’re home all the time, the day is running from this has to be done to this to this, they’re looking for stuff, you clean, it’s messy again and by the day you can’t even describe you’ve done all day, play, wash clothes, dry clothes, put away, putting out bins, tidy, clean, food and constant drinks, kids getting messy, changing sheets, shopping, bringing kids out, dealing with tears, begging, trying to bargain, having to pick them up… I used to never even get to mopping the floor!!! Plus people offer help but you’re embarrassed it’s not going well and terrified of being judged. Plus you’re on minimal sleep. All you want is time to think, breathe, the ability to be clean and get some sleep.

Sorry to hear this. Do the children sleep well and consistently?

if yes, it could be depression. If no, she’s probably absolutely exhausted. I hate to say it but a weekend isnt going to help cure that. And when I’m beat, my husband telling me to just take a night or a weekend drives me mad because it doesn’t actually get to the bottom of what’s going on or offer a solution.

she’s given you license to have a conversation by saying she can’t cope; so you need to pick your time, meet her with love and grace and ask her what she means and tell her why you’re worried about her.

you should have some solid offers of real practical support of where you can take the mental
load and allow her to switch off. You sound fantastic, but subbing into 50:50 after work and weekends doesnt actually really provide respite. Assuming she’s taking the mental load for the non verbal child, offer to do all the admin etc for the other child and step up on house divide so she is able to switch off and regather x

Oh that does sound tough.
As a mum to Neuro diverse DC I would say that it can be quite isolating. Even when the DC have started school they often aren't invited to events with other kids, and other parents often just "don't get it". It's also hard to watch all the other mums celebrating all the little achievements like moving up a reading group or reading at the school assembly.
I agree that she may be depressed and should see her GP, but also ask for a referral to Autism community/family support (it varies from area to area). Ours is brilliant.
What did your wife do before she had kids? Music? Concerts? Gym? Maybe you could encourage her to go back to doing that and find a babysitter.

She isn’t just a mum. She’s a carer. This isn’t what parenting should look like and in no way what she would ever have signed up for. It’s crap.
She needs support and some normality. A weekend away won’t cure it. All the crap will be waiting for her.

Can you afford to have a cleaner a couple of times a week? It would take some off the pressure off of your wife. I'm assuming the 6 year old is at school. Can the 4 year old go to a nursery at least some of the time to give your wife a few hours off? Your wife sounds at breaking point. She might be depressed given she is not sleeping. See if you can persuade her to go to her GP.