Family complications

[Dimpleslass]

Hi all,
First post here!

Few things to unpack… I’m 37, nearly 38 and never really wanted children. I’ve got to an age where I feel a bit like I need to decide seriously whether to have a child or not. I’ve been coming round to the idea and my husband and I have been having conversations around this, both a bit torn.

He asked the other day if we did have a child, would I be okay with his mum seeing the child? My mother in law has had 2 (that we know of) affairs, 3 husbands, and shows no remorse for her behaviour. I come from a broken family, my dad had an affair and I never saw him after I was 7. He tried to get in contact with me when I was older and I didn’t want to. I felt he did wrong and didn’t deserve me in his life, and it would be doing a disservice to my mum who had to bring up 4 children without his support, both financially and physically. He died, I went to his funeral but I don’t feel guilt for not seeing him.

My husband says he wouldn’t feel right if we had a child that the child would miss out on seeing their grandmother but I don’t feel like she deserves that privilege. It’s made me doubt having a child. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Your husband wants the child to see his mother or your mother?

I wouldn't reconnect with a parent only to let them see a gramdchild, no.

His mother. We see her at family events and that’s all. Our relationship with her has changed massively since her recent affair came out. She cheated on his father when he was a teenager and it was kind of swept under the carpet for the children’s sake. I think that’s why I struggle, we have very different views on dealing with these things. To have one affair is bad enough, but having several is unforgivable in my opinion.

Well if you're already seeing her at family events then you can't exactly leave the child at home so they would see your MIL.
However, that's not the big issue. The issue is that you think it this is a big issue and what is standing in the way of you having a child. If this is enough to give you doubts then don't have one - you just don't want to enough. If your baby should have additional needs (the risk goes up the older you get) are you cut out to love them unconditionally and cope with all the challenges that would bring?

So you know all the details of the marriages between your husbands mother and his father and stepfather ? The answer to that is no btw. No one but the people in a marriage can know. The only thing that is universally true is that people do not leave happy marriages.

I would say you need to get off your high horse and let you husband decide if HE wants your child to have a relationship with HIS mother . You sound extremely judgmental and inflexible. Probably not the best character traits for a parent.

As long as your MIL doesn’t pose a safeguarding risk to your child, I think this is your husband’s decision to make about the sort of family relationship he wants to have with his mum going forward and you need to support that. You can have different opinions about infidelity and its impact on the family, but ultimately, this is his relationship to manage. People can be awful partners, but still wonderful grandparents. He has to be the one to make that call.

The exception would be if she poses an actual risk to your child. My mum, for instance, is married to a man who is convicted of child sex offences. He’s obviously a safety risk to children, but she is too because she has facilitated his contact with children in the past (and frankly, she thinks a man who abuses children is a great catch! Her judgment on all things is obviously very flawed). Neither of them have any contact with our children.

Dh also has a family member who is a convicted paedophile. We have no contact with him either. Dh was on the fence as he thought maybe it would be okay if we saw him in big groups. Nope, because of the actual physical risk he poses, I vetoed that. I think that is one of the few situations where it’s okay to override a partner. I think your situation is different though. You may think your MIL is a shit person, but that doesn’t make her a risk to children. Ultimately, your dh needs to decide if he wants to continue having her in his life, ideally before any children come into the picture.

Wow…you don’t even know me! This comment is judgemental and highly unhelpful. Leaving a relationship is VERY different to having an affair, let alone several affairs.