Overwhelmed with big life decisions - WWYD?

[itsmehiimdaisy]

Would love some outside perspectives. Feel sick to my stomach at receiving call this morning to book in my frozen embryo transfer for early September (had PGD IVF this year as DD has Cystic Fibrosis). I should be happy at this news and that we have two viable embryos yet I feel worried about affording it all and our living situation. We currently live in a two bedroom new-build flat in Walthamstow that I own. My husband has a life-limiting illness which has been the case since 1 year after we met, which was 12 years ago now. I’m 39 and have a solid job and salary (v low 6 figures). My husband has struggled for work since he was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2014. He is very caring and does help with childcare. My parents think it’s ridiculous to have another baby living in a flat, but I’m not sure what my options are as we pretty much only have one salary (husband works part time in a restaurant, zero hours contract, and pay is sporadic). I love our local area, friends, school and close to tube which I need for work but we can’t afford a house here. We also need to be close to London as both husband and daughter have a lot of hospital appointments. Marriage is a bit rocky too. I feel I’m carrying a lot and perhaps shouldn’t have another baby?! But I would love my DD is have a sibling… should I sack off the frozen embryo transfer as then it’s easier for us to stay in flat / London? Or try and move slightly further out? Feel angry and annoyed that my husband hasn’t tried harder to get more work - he is perfectly well enough but had a confidence knock. What’s your take on these snippets I’ve shared of my life?

I’m sorry, that sounds a lot, but seriously if your only reason for having a baby is to provide your child with a sibling - don’t. There is nothing in your post that reads as if you want another child, it is not a brilliant situation to bring a child into.

You DD will be fine as an only child if she is provided with plenty of socialising opportunities. There is nothing to guarantee that a. Your next child wouldn’t be e.g very special needs meaning that a sibling relationship is not straightforward or b. That she would get on with her sibling in the long run.

Thanks @Libre2for your perspective. The problem is that I do want another baby…hence going through IVF. It would be easier if I didn’t, but I’m yearning for a little one again. It’s just our situation / set up feels a bit complicated for it.

I would look at your bandwidth long term, you will need to keep working, presumably full time, how do you find this at the moment with one child, do you think you will cope with 2? what happens if either your child or your husband needs more care, will you be able to manage this whilst working? Can you afford to be part time if it gets too much for you? If you did split with your husband, could you manage on your own with 2 kids?

Would you be happy living in your current flat with 2 children - is there space for you for at least a few years? Will your husband need adaptations to the flat? If you moved, how much would it cost? What would your commute be? Would this be sustainable long term?

Is your husband as keen to have a second child as you?

if it was me, I’d probably reorganise things a bit, if your husband is only doing very part time sporadic work, you would be better him being a full time SAHD and you focussing on your career, he could sort all childcare, food shop and life admin to take the pressure off you. I guess if you are earning 6 figures you don’t get the free childcare. Would he be willing to stop working and be a SAHD? If you did this, you’d need to be a proper partnership with no resentment on either side, my FIL was a SAHD and it worked well for them (although very unusual in 80s/90s).

DH and I are going through a similar debate, ours is around whether we can we cope with a second mentally, our son is full on energy and a very poor sleeper. DH doesn’t want a second but I would, although I don’t want to force him to have a child he doesn’t want - I think that would be worse for the whole family.

Without the support of your parents this will be difficult. How poorly is your daughter?
Would a baby bringing in various childhood illnesses compromise her health.
I can’t see how a baby would add anything but stress to the family. Sorry.

It sounds mad to me to bring a baby into this situation. How much care does your dh and dc need? How old is your dd?
being in a 2 bed apartment would be the least of my worries if I were you- though it’s still a valid reason.

I would be thinking more about overall finances, caring for a baby and other care responsibilities, my mental and physical health.

your dd doesn’t need a sibling but she would benefit more from parents who have the capacity to parent as best they can.