Is this normal-ish for an 8 year old?

[Eightchallenge]

Struggling a bit with my 8 year and not sure if my expectations are unrealistic.

We have to ask him multiple times before he does ANYTHING, I feel like such a nag.... getting dressed, brushing teeth, showering, putting PJs on....

When I start raising my voice because I have run out of patience he will then start shouting "I know!! Stop asking me!!!"

His sister (4 years younger), will get herself up, dressed, breakfast, teeth, shoes on with no reminder at all....

He can also be pretty lazy. We were playing table tennis earlier and he kept kicking the ball back to me to pick up rather than picking it up himself. He'll always ask me to do things for him before doing it himself. We sometimes feel like his butlers. He leaves his snack wrappers everywhere, again needs telling a million times to throw then away/tidy after himself. Leaves toothpaste all over the sink everytime, lid on floor etc when brushing teeth.

He does talk back a lot, will make sarcastic comments such as "oh great, that will probably take 3 hours!", says "I don't care" " you can't tell me what to do" etc..

Consequences do tend to work but in the last week not so much. His bad behaviour seems to have ramped up since the start of the summer holiday.

It sounds bad written down but this is maybe 15% of our interactions. He is otherwise lovely, fun, affectionate, kind to his sister, works hard at school, will have the occasional burst of helpfulness at home and ask to make lunch or clear up the table by himself.

But after the last week, I am pretty drained. Please let me know what I am doing wrong!

Sounds Very similar to my 8 year old girl! And from conversations with friends, very like them to! I have no answers but it's maddening!!

I've been listening to the Calm Parenting podcast, among others. You might find it helpful. 💐

Normal

Thanks that makes me feel better at least (though sorry for you!). It is literally week 1 of the summer holidays, how will I survive!!

I am not really sure if he has gotten worse with the laziness and mess or if I have less patience for it now he is older, but it is so irritating.

The backchat/shoutiness is new and hopefully just a phase. Urgh, exhausting.

Interesting how his 4 year old sister can do these things but he can’t. Have there been different expectations of him because he is a boy?
This was the case for my friend. She was way more independent yet her mum was still washing and cooking for her brother in his 20s.

My 7 year old is increasingly like this. My mum said I was the same at his age so it’s karma apparently

Ours is like this, adhd in my opinion (both husband and I are psychologists). We won't pursue a diagnosis but did a free parenting children with adhd course through our council and it helped massively. I recommend looking into how to parent adhd kids as it's different to neurotypical kids.

My 8 year old boy and 4 year old girl are complete the same ! It's exhausting and maddening! I am coming to dread bedtimes which has generally never been the case in my house 😫 my 4 year old is also starting to copy now too. @Mumtobabyhavocthanks for the rec I need to listen to something like this and try to change my reactions as well x

Definitely not a different expectation from being a boy vs a girl but as he was our first child we probably did baby him a bit too much.

But it's also a temperament thing, my daughter was born independent! She used to have tantrums at 2 years old if I tried to help her with things! She already put her shoes and coat on herself at that age. She also loves being helpful which DS caught on to at some point and I heard him ask her to get things for her a couple of times... I put a stop to that straight away as she'd only be too happy to do it!!

I am hyper aware of not having different expectations and falling into stereotypes and in fact it probably feeds into my frustration with DS. I don't want to raise a helpless grown man!!

Thanks, already popped an episode on and relate to so much of it! So helpful!

@Vitany Why are you not pursuing a diagnosis, out of interest? (Psychologist here too).

and to the OP sounds like my 4.5yo likely autistic daughter with pda profile. But absolutely does not mean your kid is too and especially just on what you have written. Sounds like whatever is going on they are ‘demand avoidant’ and might be anxious underneath the defiance & looking into strategies for that may be helpful. Has transformed environment in our household. Try reduce demands eg doing some tasks for him initially & not making a thing of them, giving more control, and for anxious kids the holidays away from usual routines can amplify the overwhelm.

Maddening really is the word. My 4 year old does very occasionally try to copy too and it really stresses me out as I think her being so easy at the moment is my only salvation! Also when they play together as she will happily compromise etc.

I do also need to work on my reactions. Some days I think I do pretty well and others not at all. I'll use the podcast as a parenting course through summer!

That is interesting as I have over the years wondered if there was something there. Age 5 or 6 was tough, he could get very emotionally disregulated and lash out. That has massively lessened now but I think there is an underlying anxiety issue.

For instance, last week he started a new class (which he had asked to do). All fine until we got there, then he panicked and had a meltdown, he was shoving me/kicking me, could barely contain himself in public and asked to get home as it was all to new and he couldn't do it. I somehow managed to calm him down (took 20 minutes), he went in and loved it, apologised to me for his behaviour straightaway and spent the day saying how much he loves me. I think he recognised I had helped him overcome some big emotions.

He had not had a meltdown like this for years. But yes, the defiance could be anxiety.

With PDA would this also not show with the demands of school? He has no problem there, he is more the kind of pupil to ask for extra work!

My 8 year old nephew is a bit like this. He has a 2.5 year old brother who he’s very good with. Sometimes things are just “not fair” and he storms upstairs and has a tantrum. But he had an excellent school report with caring behaviour towards other kids. So I think it’s normal. He often gets caught up in the moment re exciting things then tidying afterwards (of course that’s a pain!) and likes to test boundaries. He knows when he’s done something wrong though.

This describes ds (6 at the end of the year) to a point - drops rubbish on the floor, needs constant nagging / help to do basic tasks, but very loving and sweet. I’ve also started to get ‘I don’t care’ and so on which I think comes from children at school.

It can be, very much depends on the child. My eldest is like this. She’s 13 now. She gets very cross with me because she’s DOING IT!!! And I don’t need to ask for the 20th time!! Except she’s not doing it. She’s sat in exactly the same spot as she has been the last 20 times I asked. She was definitely like this at 8.

My 8 year old, however, is a different beast altogether. He will be up and dressed before me. Does things as soon as asked. Tidies his room for fun. 😂 It’s very much down to personality.

Oh no! She's still like this at 13, I need to be ready for the long haul!

Yes my youngest is very much the same, loves helping and tidying for fun. So funny how different they can be despite being raised the same way!

We aren't going to pursue a diagnosis for now because my husband has adhd and it got in the way of him becoming a pilot. Weird logic as I doubt my daughter has an interest in jobs that a diagnosis could be a barrier. Her symptoms are manageable for now, if she becomes more disruptive at school then we will reconsider.

OP, note that PDA is a lot more severe than your description. kids with executive function issues just struggle to focus on tasks, cannot organise their thoughts and struggle to make precoscequential thoughts such as if "I don't get dressed now, I'll be late" or "if I do x, mum will be pleased".