Should I do every bedtime or let DH continue to fail miserably?

[Porterpolitics]

DH and I have two children, 5 and 3, with one more arriving very shortly. He hasn’t ever been especially good at bedtime and what will usually take me 30 mins in soft lighting, hushed voices and whispered stories takes him 90+ mins on a good night, with high tempo dance music blaring, shouting, screaming, often culminating in him losing his sh1t and me having to intervene. This means the 60/40 split is increasingly 80/20 with me seeing them both off most days of the week, in spite of being quite heavily preggo.

He appears to be a) unable to fathom why allowing them to bounce round the room won’t make them magically fall asleep and b) unable to understand that the amount of time we have together to unwind in the evenings is the inverse of how much time he spends putting them to bed. He also won’t listen when I tell him he needs to whisper, calm his voice or encourage some quiet time. He simply tells me they don’t behave for him like they do for me whilst simultaneously blaring out Taylor Swift from his phone.

He recently took a few days off work and ran them into the ground so that by the time I got home from work at 5pm, they were both asleep on the sofa, filthy, not fed and fully dressed. I woke them up to eat and brush teeth but they then obviously were not tired for bed.

So far it hasn’t been ideal (!) but the oldest is now primary school age and I’m about to EBF DC3 so I’ll be taken out of the equation and will no longer be able to intervene as readily as I do now. I don’t want our oldest to be going to bed so late that they fall asleep at school.

So my question is WWYD? Would you take over every single bedtime knowing they’ll be down before 8pm, even though that will likely mean doing so with a newborn hanging off my boob? Or would you leave him to it and hope he eventually works it out on his own? I’ve been attempting the latter for weeks but it is getting us nowhere except later and later bedtimes.

I’m no good at expressing milk and don’t want to bottle feed DC3 so I know they will be Velcro’d to me whatever happens.

Can you both arrange that he does breakfast time instead? That would play to his high energy vibe?

I don’t know that this solves the problem @SeaToSki - I need to be up for work and drop off anyway and I would still be attempting to manage three kids on my own in the evenings

You’ve got the school holidays. I’d leave him to it.

I'd leave him to it also. Apart from the fact you have another baby coming, he needs to be able to do bedtime in a way that means the children go to bed at a reasonable time.

You shouldn't have to do it all especially with a newborn baby. What does he say when you ask why he plays high energy music at bedtime?

He might feel very patronised but I'd handle it the way we train teachers. After every bedtime that he does, ask him how he felt it went. Force him to stop and do a bit of a self-evaluation in his head. No need to give him the solutions, he'll work it out unless he's really dim

I'd leave him to it.

Or just leave him altogether. He sounds insufferable! Strategic incompetence is a major, major ick.

pathetic!!

high tempo dance music blaring, shouting, screaming, often culminating in him losing his sh1t and me having to intervene.

Yuck. How can you be attracted to him?
Tell him he needs to resolve his issues with this and you will absolutely not be stepping in to fix it for him.

Leave him to it. If you step in now, you're consigning yourself to doing bedtime for all three children for the next five years minimum. The suggestions above about asking him to evaluate it are good.

Yep, this has been my attempted approach for the last 6 weeks or so but I’m concerned that it hasn’t actually made a jot of difference.

He says he has his own methods (which I have explained clearly aren’t working!) I suspect it starts out with them begging for one bedtime song and then two and then three…. Before he forgets it’s bedtime and is showing them dance routines and football anthems 🙄

Does he actually want them to go to bed early or does he enjoy the high tempo dances?

if he ran them into the ground then he’s got ideas about how to manage their energy it’s just not fine tuned.

Make him leave his phone downstairs, and get the kids to do your local Library’s summer reading challenge, so they have to read in bed

@Solasum they can’t read- they’re 5 and 3. The phone idea is a good one, but I’d have to hide the Yoto as well.
On a side note, what sadist buys a 5yo Huntrix Demon Hunters on Yoto? 😤

Could you do bedtime together for a while, with you modelling what works for you?

Can you not do bedtime together your way. That way he sees how much easier it is. Discuss it first and how its going to be. Im sure after a couple of weeks he will get the idea. Good luck ❤️

I really don’t want to be that person but why on earth would you want to add a 3rd child to the mix? I think you’re in for years if pain if he can’t follow a simple instruction.

We have tried tandem- unfortunately it has the counter effect as his booming voice rallies the one that I’m ’in charge of’ as well. On those occasions I have left the room and left him to it because he simply does not follow my cues.

Do it together (your way). Over and over again. Do not take over. Do not let him off the hook. You keep the timings on track, he supervises teeth, reads the story quietly while you are present but not an active participant.

You should not have to do this but he sounds chaotic so try and help the household routine as much as possible before the baby arrives.

if he won’t engage or take responsibility for a calm DC bedtime then you have bigger problems

It's so painful, but I'd leave him to sort it out himself. Put on some white noise or music so you can't hear the drama. How is he with parenting generally? Is this a genuine blindspot for him, or is he taking you for a mug?

@Porterpolitics They don’t need to be able to read to choose books, and enjoy looking at the pictures while he reads to them. Sounds like him might enjoy doing voices etc

Is just let him crack on and not fix any issue. My husband is a very hands on dad but her works 12hr shifts and if she’s awake when he gets in at half 7/8 he goes up and has a cuddle and I know she’s now amped up but it’s his problem to fix and don’t intervene

Just leave him to it. Surely, you’ll be going to bed with baby, so it’s his evening he’s eating into. He’ll be doing all the tidying up and getting everything organised for school as you’ll be fully on baby duty, so let him have no free time. I bet he’ll actually put some effort in when the novelty wears off and he realises these are his evenings now. Even on the weekends. Even on the ones when he’d like to go to the pub or sit and relax. That should motivate him a bit.

They say the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Your husband does sound quite stupid. I mean, dance music?

Thank you all- sounds like I just need to plough on with the current method and hold firm.

@AmberUser very hands on and a ‘fun dad’ but just not great at foresight. Can’t see cause/effect very well. I don’t think it’s conscious, but definitely an element of incompetence

You are joking?

You soon have 3 children with a man doing bedtime with high tempo dance music blaring, shouting, screaming, ?

you have a DH problem.