Parents of older teens and young adults feeling stuck at the moment

[SuburbanDog]

Anyone got an older teenager or twenty-something who just seems stuck at the moment? I have. I’d love to hear from other parents of teenagers/young adults (18–25 say) who aren’t in school or uni, or who cant’t get a job. Have they lost all sense of direction? I’m not thinking about laziness. Not at all. It’s more like someone like my younger son or two of my nieces who have always been really bright, capable and full of potential but who are are now struggling to get themselves going. I’ve been reading about young people who’ve are overwhelmed by adult life. Genuinely scared by it. Does that ring any bells? I’d be really interested to hear about your kids’ experience but also about yours. Are you worried? What worries you most? have you tried to help? Did it work? As I say I’ve been reading about it and James O’Brien had an interesting bit on his show recently about it but I’m trying to understand what the experience is actually like for parents rather than relying on social media or newspapers. Thanks to anyone who’s willing to share.

It’s hard to get a job at the moment but, if you’re willing to do anything (within reason) a bright teen should absolutely be able to find something. My 18yo is on her third job since 15 - glass collecting in a pub one summer; working in a garden centre every Saturday for 2 years and now in a popular cafe saving for uni. Dd2 is 14 and did a week’s work experience at a local hotel where they offered her a job at the end. Indeed advertised jobs are a nightmare but taking a letter into independent places is successful for my dc and all dd1’s friends. She doesn’t know anyone in her group who doesn’t work.

Some young people seem to navigate this stage quite naturally, while others get stuck.

I think it's important to encourage independence gradually. In the younger teen years, that might mean sticking with sports, clubs, or hobbies—especially during the long summer holidays. Then, from around 14 or 15, it's helpful to encourage some kind of part-time work, even if it's only a couple of hours a few times a week. If nothing else is available, working for a family member is still valuable. The goal is to build confidence, competence, and a sense of responsibility. By the age of 16, I think most teenagers should have some kind of summer job if possible.

I know a few young people who have become "stuck." In every case, their parents are kind, caring people who have unintentionally enabled the situation. For example, they focused on arranging counselling for their child's anxiety instead of also helping them take practical steps towards independence. There's absolutely nothing wrong with counselling—in many cases it's a very important part of the solution—but it works best when it's paired with something proactive.
For example: "I'm happy to organise counselling if you'd like it, but you'll need to contribute towards paying for the sessions." That contribution might come from washing cars, walking dogs, mowing lawns, babysitting, or any other age-appropriate work if a regular job isn't feasible.

I also think parents can do a great deal by setting clear expectations. If you're not in full-time education, then you should be working or actively working towards employment. Parents can absolutely help their teenagers find opportunities, but they also need to know when to step back. For example: "My friend is looking for a student to work as a waitress this summer—you should give her a call." Notice the difference: you point them towards the opportunity, but you don't make the phone call for them.

Support, encourage, advise—if they'll listen—but don't do everything for them. That's how they develop the confidence and resilience they'll need as adults.