Anyone else feel guilty working all summer and not affording holidays?

[Pastasaladaddict]

Does anybody else feel massively guilty that they need to work the summer holidays and also can't afford to take DC on holiday.

We have 1 DS13 who is diagnosed AuDHD and amxiety. We knew the step up to high school a couple of years ago was going to very very difficult.

We took the decision to set up our own business so that we had the flexibility we knew we would need to support DS. It was a massive financial risk but we had no choice.

It was the correct call as DS did not cope at all and is still on a very reduced timetable at school. Having our own business has allowed us to manage this but we are absolutely exhausted.

The business requires us both to be working FT hours (at least 40 each a week) and is bringing in enough money to cover the bills etc but not enough spare for holidays. As we need to fit in FT hours working around DS being at home most of the day we are both working as early as 5am before DS wakes up and up to 11pm when they are in bed.

It's just exhausting all round.

What's made me feel absolutely terrible is that annual leave isn't a thing for us. If we don't work, we don't earn and the bills don't get paid. We will for the 2nd summer holidays be lucky if we can manage a few afternoons off to spend with DS actually out doing anything. It's the busiest time of year for the business.

I hate it, DS only has 1 friend and can't "play out" independently so is stuck at home most days during the holidays. Grandparents may take him out 2 or 3 afternoons and friends parents may take him out for a day but that's all he has to look forward too.

The guilt is awful. We took the financial hit and risk to support him but the pay off is way more than I expected.

I know in my heart that we took the only choice we had when starting the business (couldn't manage financially on one wage) but only having a few half days off over the full summer holidays to spend with DS hurts. Friends and family are all over social media on holiday or out and about with their DC "making memories" and we are stuck at home, knackered and just about managing the daily grind that comes with having a disabled child.

I'm just having a rant really. This time last year was really difficult mentally too.

Do other people in the same kind of boat feel the same guilt?

Not quite the same boat, but having been unemployed for 9 months following redundancy I have just started a job which is a relief financially but I don't feel like I can ask for leave when I'm only 2 weeks in, & certainly won't be going away on any holidays for a few years at least I imagine. Holiday clubs are fully booked (DC finds them boring anyway), friends are all off on holidays abroad etc so not free as company & I can't host anyway because I'll be out at work so it'll be a combination of DC being shunted round any family available or stay home whilst DH works from home so on a device all day most likely. It sucks, but needs must. I do feel guilty though - DC is already sad that I'm not around as much so I feel like I'm failing her already but the bills need to be paid. My hours are easier than yours though mine's just a regular job & I don't have to factor in additional needs, I'm sorry it's so hard. You're doing the best you can, even if the exhaustion makes it seem like you're not. Hope it gets better x

I get the parent guilt.. it is an awful feeling.

For me, I think the part of your post that sticks out is the lack of general time to do things.

I don't think children need holidays, although they are obviously nice, but I do think "only having a few half days off over the full summer holidays" is a problem.

Just frame it in a positive way though - you know that it isn't ideal.. now the challenge is what changes can you and your husband make to your business operations to improve this. Forget a week or two off for now, just focus on how you can adapt schedules/work to give yourself regular days off to spend time together. That will be a really good positive step that will likely make you all feel much better.

Obviously I can't help with how, because none of us know the situation with your business, but I hope you can find some way to shift around hours, or divide work between you differently to concentrate time off on a number of clear days.

I’m going to say something now and apologies if I get it wrong but he probably doesn’t want to go on holidays.

You do need a break from work though yourself. Please look after your health x

Does your child actually want to go on holiday, have they said that they do? My daughter is AuADHD and absolutely hates the idea because of disruption to her routine. You sound like your suffering burnout from constantly working, is there any way you can take some time off for yourself even if it's a few hours? Parent guilt is horrible, we always feel we should be doing more , but sometimes it's just not possible.

I also run a business. I sometimes work Saturday or Sunday (when partner is off) and then take time off during the week so kids have fewer days with no interaction.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

We probably are close to burnout tbh which isn't helping the situation. Can only see the negative in everything. It's hard to see the wood for the tress at the moment.

I have spoke to DH and we are going to sit down tonight and work out how we can take at least 1 day a week off to spend some proper time with DS. We are just going to have to manage it. We also need to discuss the hours we are working because it's just not sustainable. I think if we can make it through until the new year we may be in a position to employ somebody PT to give us a bit of breathing space.

If DS was in school full time it would all become a bit more manageable but that's not going to happen. School actually mentioned the possibility of reducing his hours further if he still isn't coping come the end of September.

I think after so long plodding on we haven't stepped back to look at things properly from the outside.

Big discussions needed and a plan worked out.

Thanks again for all you input.