Child refusing contact with NRP

[tfu]

Looking for some advice from anyone who’s been through something similar.
My ex-husband and I separated around eight years ago and have been divorced for four. During that time we’ve co-parented our daughter, who is now 11. It’s never been completely straightforward, but on the whole we’ve managed reasonably well. Everything has always been by agreement, with no Child Arrangements Order in place.
For the last six to eight months, my daughter has been telling me that she doesn’t enjoy spending time at her dad’s and would rather live with me full-time. Despite saying this, she continued going to his house.
Fast forward to the last two or three weeks, and she’s now completely refusing to go. She says she’s happy to spend time with him one-to-one but doesn’t want to stay overnight.
As you can imagine, this has caused a huge amount of conflict. My ex is accusing me of orchestrating the situation, but I’m genuinely not. I want our daughter to have a good relationship with her dad, and I’ve encouraged that throughout. At the same time, I don’t feel I can physically force an 11-year-old to go somewhere she is adamant she doesn’t want to be.
He has remarried and she has two younger siblings a toddler and a baby. Also they have moved about an hour away from where we live. She goes to school here and has plenty of friends here etc.
I’m feeling completely stuck. Has anyone experienced anything similar? How did you handle it? Did things improve over time, and what helped?
Thanks in advance

It's difficult - of course you want to encourage a good relationship with her dad. But she's not refusing to go for no reason, has she told you why she doesn't want to go? If she is used to being an only child, it's a big change having to contend with a toddler and a baby and a household that inevitably revolves around them. Is she feeling a bit sidelined and left out? Maybe she thinks if her dad has to take her out, she'll have his undivided attention for a few hours?

I don't think you should (or could!) force her to go but gently encourage her to keep the door open to it - tell your Ex that pushing her will only make her less likely to want to come and she still wants to spend time with him. She is reaching the age where seeing friends and going out at the weekend is becoming more important than spending time with family. She is approaching her teens and all that comes with that! Tell him to make the most of spending time with her now.

Thanks for your reply - unfortunately he doesn’t see it this way and has flat out refused to establish why she doesn’t want to go instead focusing on my parenting and critiquing my handling of the situation. I fully understand where she is coming from but he doesn’t see it at all.

I think there are a few things at play - he is critical of her in many ways, their house is understandably busier and noiser with two young kids and I don’t think she has a brilliant relationship with his wife. As well as all of stuff around missing friends and being in a place where she’s unable to go to the park to see her friends for example. My main issue is that I’m stuck in the middle - getting flack from my ex and upset from my daughter.. it’s starting to get a bit overwhelming. Unfortunately he’s a my way or the highway type of person so is refusing or choosing not to answer the basic question which is what can I do to make her feel better about seeing me rather than ranting about access.

A tricky one indeed…

I would support her decision not to go overnight. I know it’s an hour each way but I’d maybe offer to do the pick up journey so she didn’t have to stay. No way would I force her to stay in a busy, noisy home that she didn’t feel comfortable in.

Maybe suggest to your ex that they have a break for a while. Or ask your DD if she’d be happy for ex to come over to take her out.
This situation sounds very similar to a friend, her DD feels very pushed out in Dad’s new family, she also doesn’t want to go. The dads can never see that it’s the consequences on their own actions.

When this happened with my eldest, same age at the time, I supported her 100%. I can’t give a shiny shit if my ex thinks it’s me or whatever - I don’t care what he thinks of me, he’s my ex. So ever since, and she hasn’t been there for 8 years now, he drives to my house to see her twice a week. I have never minded him in my house, in fact I’m mostly out when he comes. They have a great relationship.

Listen to your DD. It’s up to him to maintain his relationship with his daughter. It’s not up to you to facilitate his needs. Ignore him. Your DD is old enough to know what she wants. She’s not saying that she won’t see him. It’s interesting that he doesn’t seem to want one-to-one time with her.

I was that child. My parents only child (they were separated before I have any memories of them being together) but pretty amicable on paper.
From around 7/8(?) I HATED going there, he had a new nuclear family and I didn’t fit in.
The one time I communicated that I’d rather see him less but one on one I was basically called selfish because I was taking him away from his other children.

I don’t really remember what happened but I stopped going EOW and overnight, went for the just the day every couple of months. It was awkward and I didn’t like going. I felt guilty for upsetting my dad but also very emotionally distant.
My mum tried so hard to keep it amicable that I thought I was a terrible person until I was 16 and she casually mentioned that he really should have done more to preserve our relationship.
I see him once or twice a year now and I still hate it and causes me anxiety for days before and after. It’s quite clear he doesn’t like my mum and I expect he blames her.

I don’t know what to suggest, other than having lived through it I would put your daughters needs and wants above any of the adults. Though I can see why that would be easier said than done if it looks like you’re alienating him.

No reason to be stuck. Just repeat it is her choice and if you had wanted to orchestrate a situation where she didn’t have to see him, you’ve had 8 years to do it so why would you do it now. Tell him he isn’t interested in how she feels, so this is about him not her and he needs to sort his own feeling out about it. You are teaching her that she doesn’t have to put up with any man forcing her to be uncomfortable. That’s a really important lesson. If he wants to go legal with it, let him.

I suspect the reason things have been amicable thus far is because he hasn’t been challenged.

One hundred percent it’s because I’ve not challenged him- you have hit the nail on the head. Funny how in every single interaction he is blaming me for engineering this issue and not once said ok how can I help her feel better about seeing me.

ill continue pushing for one on one time but there’s no way im facilitating time at his house given how upset she is. He’s informed me he will expect her this weekend but ive repeated that she will not go to his house willingly

Since he’s a completely controlling twat op, and your dd is 11 so has her own agency and her own phone (maybe), can’t you just block him? If he was a decent person, sure, keep lines of communication open to talk about coparenting. But he’s very clearly not a decent person. He doesn’t give a shit how his dd feels, isn’t prepared to put any effort in whatsoever. So, stop trying, stop letting him control you and be nasty to you. If he wants to see his dd, then he drives the hour, and takes her out somewhere - for dinner or whatever it is she likes to do hobby wise - then he brings her home. He has made some decisions which are obviously going to have consequences which he has to bear since he made the decisions

What she is doing is normal , my DSD was the same ( though perhaps a little older ) we worked round it - we would see her for the day and she came to stay in the longer holidays - then we would visit her at Uni . She isn’t that close to her siblings - which is sad - but you can’t force these things

I have a daughter a similar age who also refuses to see her dad. Not even overnights - flat out refuses to spend more than 10 minutes in his company.
I refuse to force her - she’s heading for puberty her body shape is changing and she’s becoming self conscious about it. I have evidence of where I try and encourage her to see him so that if he ever did try and claim it was me putting thoughts in her head I can demonstrate otherwise. She does have younger siblings who continue to see him which shows I’m not the one stopping contact
take your cue from your daughter - and just leave the door open if she decides to change her mind in the future - you aren’t the one responsible for managing his relationship with her - that’s up to him

I feel like I’ve been gaslit by him for so long and I’ve been really trying to facilitate contact and craft a perfect message. Now I’ve had some time to reflect and look at some of these messages I can see that it’s not in my control.

ive sought legal advice but ultimately with her refusal to see him I need to back her fully.

Thanks to all for responding - I’m so glad to hear your experiences